Tuesday, June 17, 2014

New Beginnings and Second Chances 6

I liked flying, especially in the mountains. The area around my cabin was great for flying, or maybe that was just my bias. I had built the cabin in a good location for taking a breather so maybe that’s why I now had a love of the area. It was a point where I could just relax.

Looking to my left I saw Rachel in her Bald eagle morph. To me that had always been her true form. A form where she was deadly without having to worry about being mistaken for just another pretty face. And, before she died, that had made me happy. Hell, it made me proud to have her as a bird beside me.

We had been silent for thirty minutes since I didn’t know if I should ask the questions I felt I needed to. We hadn’t been totally silent as we had made comments like “I forgot how fun this was” and “I missed you” every now and again.

Rachel, I said, finally deciding to break the silence. What was it like? Dying, I mean.

I saw Rachel take a dive and then pull out of it at the last second. She was stalling. I didn’t blame her, it was a very personal question. I didn’t want her to think that I thought she was a trap or that I didn’t want her. I just had to know what my first love had gone through and how I could help.

It was strange. She finally replied. At first it was confusing and I felt like I was doing something wrong. But then...I just accepted it because it was right.

What do you mean it felt wrong?

I didn’t think it was right that I had to die right as we were winning. I didn’t think it was right that I was abandoning you.

I couldn’t imagine being so close to victory and then dying. What if it had been me who died? Would I have felt like I was abandoning Rachel?

Yes, I would have. More than any other member of the group, I’d feel most guilty for abandoning her. What if it had been me who, three years after the war, had shown up on her doorstep? She had taken things well all things considering. Or maybe she had spent awhile building up the courage to say hi. It wasn’t like I was paying that much attention to the outside world since Marco had become my boyfriend.

But those were things I could discuss with her later.

I don’t blame you for dying. I told her.

You blame Jake. Rachel said.

I took a dive and rose back up, using the falling sensation to snap me back into reality. I didn’t need to start ranting to her about her cousin. A cousin she would have to see sometime. I didn’t mind letting her decide when she wanted to see Jake. It wasn’t like I was eager at the thought of seeing him again.

My security system thought your DNA had been forged. I said, switching topics to save the calm atmosphere. I guess it couldn’t understand how a dead person could come back to life. It probably couldn’t fathom how that would work.

I don’t know how I was brought back to life. Rachel said. At least you had Marco to watch over you until I got back.

Was Rachel implying that I was only with Marco because she had been dead? That as soon as she returned that I would go with her and leave him behind? Isn’t that what I should feel about him? That he was just a backup and nothing more?

But I loved Marco. I loved him as much as I had-I did love Rachel. I couldn’t tell him to go just because Rachel was back. That was just something I couldn’t do.

I love you, Rachel, I really do. I finally said. But Marco is…You were dead. I saw you die and I flew away with your ashes which are now hidden in my cabin. I couldn’t keep living in the past. I just couldn’t keep living and waiting for something that I didn’t think could happen. Three years, Rachel. It was three years before I could admit my feelings to Marco because I was scared. I was scared of being hurt again.

The silence that followed felt worse than death. Was Rachel angry? Would she attack me or, worse, leave me? Had I just messed up the best thing about the war? Would we now be like Jake and Cassie? Both of us wanting to get with each other and yet not feeling it would work out?

I love you, Rachel. I said again, hoping that she would reply.

But she didn’t reply. She was just silent and I felt something between awkward and ashamed.
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