Monday, March 31, 2014

Cold Days (Jim Butcher)

Title: Cold Days

Series: The Dresden Files

Author: Jim Butcher

Released: 2012

Rating: 5/6

Basic Plot: After being murdered and then brought back to life, Harry Dresden soon realizes that maybe death wasn’t all that bad. Because he is no longer Chicago’s only professional wizard.

He is now Winter Knight to Mab, the Queen of Air and Darkness. Her word is his command. And her first command is the seemingly impossible: kill an immortal. Worse still, there is a growing threat to an unfathomable source of magic that could mean the deaths of millions.

Beset by enemies new and old, Harry must gather his friends and allies, prevent an apocalypse, and find a way out of his eternal subservience before his newfound infinite powers claim the only thing he has left to call his own…

His soul.

Just Do It Already
Karrin and Harry belong with each other and every book I read in the series I wish I could scream at them to be together. I send words via my thoughts but I doubt they can pick them up. It's really infuriating in this book since they share two nice kisses but decide to remain apart. They were so close to being a couple and...and...ARG!

The Outsiders and Mac
The mystery of the Outsiders leads to a couple different revelations. You get to see what Mab's job really entails and Mac becomes more of an enigma. The Outsiders end up playing a very big part of the book's plot. They also become a lot more find out more about them and so they appear deadlier to you. But, truth be told, they're just as dangerous as they ever were.

Harry's Fear
Harry and Thomas end up getting into an argument around the time they first meet up in the book. Thomas is angry that Harry didn't contact him. Long story short: Harry died, became a ghost, went back into his body, and he's also the Winter Knight now.

Harry won't admit, but Thomas knows, that he tried to die so he wouldn't become a monster. Yeah, becoming the Winter Knight makes it very likely that Harry could turn to the dark side. This is a very heartbreaking scene as the relationship between the two brothers is so tense. But, being good brothers, they make up by the end. As a bonus, Thomas tries to help Harry control his emerging monster side.

Final Thoughts
I adore The Dresden Files series and this is yet another good entry into the series. There are moments of action, drama, romance, and learning about The Dresden Files universe. I liked seeing how Karrin reacted to Harry being alive. I also liked seeing Harry confused about what to do. And the fear about what to do about his daughter, stopping the big event, and how to handle his different relationships are all given equal importance. I'd recommend this book to those looking for a good fantasy/mystery.

Divergent (2014)

Title: Divergent

Director: Neil Burger

Starring: Shailene Woodley, Theo James, and Kate Winslet

Rated: PG-13

Released: 2014

Personal Rating: 4.5/6

Oscars: N/A

Plot: In a world divided by factions based on virtues, Tris learns she's Divergent and won't fit in. When she discovers a plot to destroy Divergents, Tris and the mysterious Four must find out what makes Divergents dangerous before it's too late.

From Book to Screen
I have read Divergent and so when I saw this movie I couldn't help but compare it to the book. One thing that bothered me was the fact that Peter is actually sort of likable in this movie. In the books there is no doubt that he isn't a good guy (and his arc in Allegiant will mean jack shit if they don't build him up to be a total asshole). I thought that the Tris/Four love story was done well. They at least got it out there though I think it was a little bigger in the book. Only problem with Four/Tobias was that I believe he was revealed to be Divergent earlier. I think double checking these facts is a good reason to re-read the trilogy!

Okay, I won't say where his storyline goes for those who haven't read the book's so heartbreaking seeing him on screen. I like how he is portrayed by being the brother who Tris admires. It's great seeing him be an outstanding member of the Abnegation faction and then seeing he wanted to be Erudite all along. The makers of the movie did a good job with this character.

Special Effects
They were good. There are different points in the movie where Tris goes into either her's or Four's fearscape. The fearscape is somewhere you enter by way of a serum and its purpose is for you to face your fears. It's used by Dauntless for their initiation. Besides the fearscape, the testing that Tris goes through in the beginning of the movie another serum is used. I especially liked the testing, though it didn't go down as in the book, since the effects used really contributed to the atmosphere the scene needed.

Final Thoughts
This movie was very enjoyable. The movie does a decent job at explaining the book's material to a theater audience. So if you know nothing about Divergent, when you leave the theater you should understand the world people like me have fallen in love with. If you see the movie and want to read the books I would say that's not a bad call as it will expand your understanding of the world of Divergent. I am probably one of the few hoping that a certain event in Allegiant isn't changed for the movie version. Here's hoping!

Friday, March 28, 2014

Let's Play Dead Space: Extraction (Parts 9 & 10)

I do some extra shooting fun and say good-bye for the evening.

Let's Play Dead Space: Extraction (Parts 6-8)

After many moons I return to the horror.

Shipping Confessions: Sifay (Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)

Among many of the fandoms that I am in, I am a Whedonite. A Whedonite is a fan of Joss Whedon. Whedon recently made The Avengers and his show Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (which I will call AOS for the remainder of this post) is airing as of this blog post.

AOS takes a look at the S.H.I.E.L.D. members who don't have super powers and is a glimpse into the every day life of an agent. The cast includes Phil Coulson and Melinda May among others. As AOS is still in the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU), there have been cameos from characters from the films.

The cameos include: Nick Fury, Stan Lee, and Sif.
This will be a first for Shipping Confessions as this pairing has only one episode together. I am hoping that they'll have a chance to be reunited again.

The ship of today's post is between Melinda May and Lady Sif. Someone on Twitter gave me the shipping name of Sifay so thank you very much person whose name I forgot!
Melinda May is a fierce fighter and has earned the nickname of "The Calvary". She doesn't like the nickname used, however.

She's loyal to Coulson but she seems to have other motives for helping him. May does reassure him on numerous accounts and there seems to be a very deep friendship between them, whatever May's ultimate allegiance is. Not necessarily romantic, but like a long-time friendship.

May looks at everything as how useful it will be for a mission and so at one point appears to help Skye get kicked off. However, it's later revealed that May did so so that Skye could work the mission better.

In short: May is someone you would never want to fight against.
Lady Sif is an Asgardian warrior. Besides her cameo appearance in this episode, she has been in both Thor movies. She has also shown herself to be a woman who is also not to be messed with.

In the first Thor movie she, with some other Asgardians, go down to check up on Thor. Yes, she is a love interest for Thor but the guy has his eyes set on the Misgardian (aka human) Jane. So there is a little jealously.

However, she is able to overlook her jealousy and helps Thor escape with Jane in Thor: The Dark World. So it's not like emotional ties would be the end of her. She knows when to let her emotions in and when to keep them out.
In the episode she is in ("Yes Men") she has obviously been hurt by Lorelei in the past, but doesn't let her hatred of the woman make her act foolish or slip in any major way. If Lorelei had thrown some of those burns at me I might've broken.

And the episode "Yes Men" really shows why I like this pairing so much and would love to see Sif appear again so I have more moments to add to this ship.

May and Sif are very much alike and the plot of the episode seems to go out of its way to show that. Even though it might be so that Sif can give useful information, it also gives the viewers a look at how well the two could work together.

Both May and Sif are able to put emotions out of the way when on a mission. Even though their emotions effect them more than they think, both are able to get through the mission of capturing Lorelei without their emotions causing too many problems.

Both May and Sif have lovers that Lorelei has used.

Both May and Sif are loyal to their causes. They are both warriors in their own rights.

There is a scene in "Yes Men" that really highlights the similarities between the two. Sif seems to know that May isn't telling the full truth because looking at the other woman is like looking at herself. There is a sense of bonding between the two throughout the episode and I highly suggest checking out "Yes Men" to see what I'm talking about.

Before I announce the next ship I must remind you why this post isn't as indepth as others: there has only been one episode with the two. While I can start to ship something in one episode, I can't put a lot of things up about it. I am posting this now because I'm unsure if Sif will return or not. And, if she does, I might do a special Shipping Confessions where I put an update about my feelings on Sifay.

What will I talk about in the next Shipping Confessions? A tough human and a sassy wizard ship from The Dresden Files! I will admit I haven't finished Cold Days yet and I tried to do a brief search to see if it's canon now or not. From the brief search it appears not so I'm going forward with that information in mind.
Picture From HERE
Shipping Confessions Table of Contents

New Steamwork Devonti and Torrent

Ah, the dancing is delightful and new Steamwork pets have been added! Yep, more lovable mechanical pets can be yours to own and treasure.

The Steamwork Devonti seems like it's ready for a fight. It just looks really angry to me and I don't think you should dismiss it. It's metal, it can do serious damage if it wants to.

The Steamwork Torrent has such beautiful eyes. Its blue eyes are just mesmerizing. It looks more playful than scary.

Mean Green Shagging Machine 6

-This is a Mature Story (if in content if not plot)
-It's a The Avengers/Aliens fanfic
-It's a Bruce Banner/The Hulk fanfic

You can read it HERE

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Pretty Little Liars (Season 4)

Show: Pretty Little Liars

Season: 4

Episodes: 24

Executive Producer: I. Marlene King

Released: 2013-2014

Rating: 3.5/5

Basic Plot: Four friends band together against an anonymous foe who threatens to reveal their darkest secrets, while unraveling the mystery of the murder of their best friend.

Dark Plots
This show doesn't go dark like some shows I watch (looking at you, Hannibal) and so saying part of Pretty Little Liars is dark isn't usually saying much. But this season we got a look at Spencer's drug addiction. They did that very well and I was so hoping that Spencer would turn out to have been a murderer. Though I was disappointed by where that plot line went, but I had already guessed the show wouldn't go down that road as it's currently airing on abcFamily, I was delighted by where the Alison plot line ended up by the finale.

Ezra Fitz
I am one of those people that wanted Ezra to be A. As an English Major, it'd delight me to no end to see an English Teacher be a bad person. While you may think us English Majors just quietly read and write, we can be deadly! Anyways...a mystery of this season is if Ezra is A or not. How that mystery is resolved really hits Aria in the guts because she trusted and loved the man. It was really great for Aria to not immediately go back to him and say everything was fine.

Film Noir
There was an episode that was a film noir styled one. The reason in story to do this was that Spencer was hallucinating from taking drugs. The episode was beyond wonderful and the girls all looked great in their outfits. The episode is called "Shadow Play". Even if you're not a fan of the show, that episode is good for the style alone.

Final Thoughts
This season did go darker than previous ones, especially the Season Finale. Caleb ended up leaving the show and went to star on the spin-off show Ravenswood. No, I haven't seen an episode of that show but might in the future. Especially if any of my readers wants to know my opinions on it. There are so many questions at the end of this season that I can't wait until Season 5 starts!

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II (Holding it Together)

We meet again. This time after continuing to get out of the crumbling ship. It wasn't as hard as the last part, at least there was no big jumping parts like last time. I'm not very good at balancing myself, or Starkiller, so that made the jumping sections from last time extremely difficult for me.

So let's get started!
Again there is not much in the way of plot in this section. There are some actual character interactions between Starkiller and Kota at one point. But the majority of the level is the lovely business of kicking ass and taking names.

There are the usual enemies. At one point Terror Troopers come out of nowhere. It, sadly, took me a minute or two to realize that's what was going on. But when I did, I dealt with them rather swiftly. I really like the Terror Troopers and would love for a whole level to be made up of nothing but that enemey.

During the Terror Trooper part, if you go back the way you came, expect a wise quip from PROXY.
There is a section where you have to stop some droids from overheating the ship. My way to win was to use Force Pull to get the shields away from the droids and then run around until my Force Energy Bar was full and then to attack using Force Push and Force Lighting until I could use Force Rage. I tried to line them all up and take them down with Force Rage at once but I wasn't able to pull that off.

Near the end of this part you run into Kota and the two of you fight off wave after wave of enemies. It's nice seeing Kota provide some use besides the constant nagging. I used Force Rage a few times but I really should learn to aim that power better. I would spend time filling up the bar for Force Rage and then I'd use it on one enemy.

It's a total waste if you are fighting a bunch of enemies and only use Force Rage on one. It looks cool, but it's far from a good move.
You and Kota then go to the bridge. It's there that it's decided that to take down the Planetary shield by using The Salvation to disable them. Kota first orders his men to abandon the ship and then leaves the ship via the Rogue Shadow.

Starkiller then enacts that plan. What follows is a series of quick time events. My mistake was just making the motions with my wrists and not using my arm to make big gestures. So it took two to three times to get it right. If you're not a dumbass like me, it'll take you one time.

The next part will begin with Starkiller having arrived on Kamino.
All of Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Animorphs Re-Read: #5 The Predator (Chapters 9-12)

 Chapter 9
The chapter begins with the gang on the house lot next to Chapman's house. The former owners had moved out. The group starts discussing why the former owners would leave and Jake decides the reason isn't unimportant since it's convenient for them.

During this sort of discussion it's brought up that you can't tell who is a Controller just by looking at them. Family and friends will still act like themselves even after they are infested. Though some changes do happen as before Jake had found out Tom was a Controller he had stopped playing basketball.

Marco feels nervous about morphing an ant and I don't blame him. My reason is different since I know the hell that will be released shortly.

Tobias reminds everyone, again, that his eyesight isn't great during nighttime but he should be able to watch over the rest of the Animorphs during part of their mission.

Jake says it's time for the mission to begin as Chapman should be at a meeting of The Sharing. Another recap happens that explains both The Sharing and that Tom is a Controller.

Marco makes mention of the fact that you can't go from one morph directly to another. He uses Cassie as an example. Er...not going to mention that Jake tried that trick in The Visitor and it didn't work. No? Okay.
There is a buildup of tension and now I am really nervous. I'm not saying that for dramatic effect, I am seriously nervous here.

The group begins to morph ants.

Even before the main event I'm getting nightmare fuel. Marco is watching Cassie morph and oh dear lord!
Marco finishes his ant morph and then the ant mind rises up. And how Marco describes the ant mind is just creepy.

He says that the ant mind doesn't feel hunger or fear. That's very good. But he also has lost a sense of self. Of identity. How the hell did I survive childhood when I read this?

Marco's ant mind realizes it's in a different territory. He knows that enemies will be coming soon and there will be a fight. He also searches for food to bring back to the imaginary colony. Meanwhile Tobias is trying to talk to the others...which is unsuccessful.

As Marco walks to a dead beetle, Tobias continues to yell for them to get control of the morph. I really don't envy Tobias as not only can't he go on certain missions, if shit goes wrong he can only watch.

It slowly starts to dawn on Marco who he really is. He screams so loudly that Tobias probably nearly dies of a heart attack. Marco and Ax both comment on how it was like they didn't exist for a little bit. As this is going on Tobias is begging them to demorph.

As the group debates demorphing or continuing on the mission Tobias says he spots another group of ants. Oh, god! It's going to happen!
Jake asks if everyone is in control now, but Marco comments that you can't really be in control of an ant. There is really nothing to control and so the non-existence of the ant mind makes it hard to control.

Cassie gives a suggestion on how to use the ant eyes. After that bit of info the gang is able to start to head in the correct direction.

Tobias has to fly away from them as it would look suspicious if Chapman saw him. I really do pity that he isn't able to help his friends as much as he'd like.

Suddenly Marco is aware of enemies, aka ants, that are coming towards him. But his ant brain doesn't feel fear and it just knows that there will be a battle to the death soon.

Well...I guess the real terror is next chapter.

Chapter 10
As the gang starts to enter the Chapman house they sense an enemy. They don't have any idea of who or what the enemy is and so Jake says to just continue and hope the enemy isn't around.

Rachel is briefly startled when an ant goes by her. They decide not to pay the smaller ant. Oh, yes, I'm sure that small ant won't tell the others in its colony that there are ants from another colony in its colony. Oh, yes, I don't see anything bad happening from this.
Ax senses a breeze so the others follow him.

The descriptions Marco has of what the ant mind sees are...hard to describe but awesome nonetheless. You can just imagine being an ant and walking around.

As the group decides they're in the right spot, Marco is there to remind them of how the ant mind perceives things. He reminds them that they can't properly tell if they're on the ceiling, wall, or floor. Marco is the reluctant Animorph right now, but he does care for the group.

Since he wants to get out of the ant morph so badly, he offers to be the one to go first and check.

Once Marco is demorphed he realizes he could accidentally crush one of his friends and so moves extra carefully. Marco turns the light on.

After Marco gives a signal with the lights the rest of the group demorphs.

Cassie talks a little about how she doesn't want to go back to ant morph again. Marco doesn't say much as he's too freaked out at the moment and if he talks about it he might lose it. I remember the ant morph being terrifying, but holy fucking shit am I about to piss my pants. And we're not even to the main event!
Rachel confirms they are in the right room.

Ax starts looking for the transponder. There is one sentence that I am going to take out of context from now on in case I ever start shipping Ax and Marco.

Ax is surprised that Marco can used an advanced computer they found. Ax tells him to go back to a document that is announcing the arrival of Visser One. Of course Marco is surprised that Ax, an alien, can read the alien language that the documents are in.

Ax talks about the Yeerk hierarchy and says that Visser Three is the only Yeerk with an Andalite host. He also mentions that Visser One has a human host. I wonder which human Visser One's host is...

Once Ax has found the device they morph back into ants. Cassie tells them that ants are extremely strong for their small size. Good bit of info. Too bad there's a bit of info she forgot.

Cassie, Rachel, and Ax go to carry the device. Marco's reaction is best described as, "Holy shit! That's unbelievable!"

Marco and Jake clears the way for the other three.

Without warning a huge army of ants comes towards them. Oh my god! It's finally going to happen!

Chapter 11
The attack from the ants occurs suddenly and viciously.

What makes this extra scary is that they're afraid of dying in an animal's body. Not just any animal's: but one of the most unnerving morphs so far.

Just imagine dying but as something else. Something that is so far removed from human it's almost alien in nature.
Rachel, the warrior, is scared shitless at this point.

And...oh my fucking god! Is this for kids? How the fuck did I not die of fright when I was younger. HOLY FUCKING SHIT!

Marco describes the ants as machines. They are ripping the Animorphs' legs off, biting at their necks, and generally just trying to tear the Animorphs apart. Holy fucking shit!
Marco yells at the others to demorph since they can't win the battle as ants.

As he demorphs, Jake seconds the motion and some ants continue to try and rip Marco in half.

Marco is underground and explodes out of the ground and Jake is on top of him. And here is yet another line I'll take out of context in the future: Jake was on top of me, pushing against me as he grew.
Tobias starts off the rounds to making sure everyone is okay. Jake asks Cassie if she's okay and there's another cute Cake moment for all us shippers!

Rachel won't stop stomping the ground and Marco says to not do that again anytime soon. Yeah, I wouldn't like to experience that ever again. And yet I've re-read this book so many times that I'll probably experience it again in the future.

Marco makes a joke to help lighten the mood. And I think the Animorphs laugh for the same reason you laugh at jokes in math class. It's not that the joke is funny, it's just everything is so boring (in the Animorphs' case: scary as shit) that you will laugh at the lamest of jokes.

When Marco gets home and showers he finds the head of an ant still locked onto him. That is...arg! You go home after a battle and there is your enemy still on you.
Marco then goes on to philosophize about how deadly ants are. That humans can't even begin to imagine the level of violence an ant is capable of. He ends the chapter by saying that it wouldn't even take ants a week after getting nuclear weapons to end the world.

Chapter 12
Marco, as well as the others, can't easily forget the memory of the previous night. Of nearly being torn apart and dying as ants. Marco says that it's not easy to forget terror and I agree with him. Even after years of not picking up this book I could still recall the terror of the ant morph.

But the Animorphs aren't the only ones having problems. Marco's Dad is getting worse as the anniversary of his wife's death gets closer.

Marco says he thinks one day one of the Animorphs is going to snap. He points out that his Dad snapped.

His Dad used to be an engineer/scientist, but when his wife died he lost it. He ended up having to quit his job and ended up taking up jobs that paid a lot less. So Marco started living poorer than he was used to. But Marco says that it didn't bother him about the lack of money, what bothered him was that he lost his Dad.

Here is yet another example of Marco showing that he's a three dimensional character. He doesn't exist solely to make wisecracks, he is an actual person too.
Marco sits at a table during lunch with Rachel. Xena Warrior Princess is obviously disturbed by the ant thing. So when Jessica, seeming to be a person that thinks she's tough, bumps into Rachel it sets the Animorph off.

All the bottled worry, anxiety, and fear from last night drive her to shove Jessica.

Marco sees that it's up to him to stop Rachel and so he tries to intervene. He ends up getting hit, whether accidentally or not is never said, by Jessica for his troubles.

I admit it is a little funny to me having Marco get hit when he was trying to help. Sort of like the beginning of this book.
It is a short time later that the three find them in Chapman's office. This must be extremely creepy for the two Animorphs as they know what Chapman is. They know he isn't the one that's in control of Chapman's body.

So when Chapman asks if Rachel is stressed out about something I have to laugh. Not because it's funny in a happy way, but funny in a scary way. Rachel could reply that she's stressed out about fighting the Yeerks and nearly getting ripped apart as an ant the previous night. She could add that she had morphed an ant to steal something from Chapman.

Marco has the same thought process, except that he really thinks Rachel may say that. So he intervenes.

He does so in classic Marco fashion by implying that both Jessica and Rachel were fighting over him. This is because they are both madly in love with him. Jessica is shocked and angry, but Rachel says nothing since she knows the guy is helping them out.

After they are dismissed from Chapman's office, Rachel tells Marco to keep his sense of humor. She admits that it annoys her a majority of the time, but that the group needs it to keep it together. I also likes how she says that Marco seems to be in control.
The chapter ends with Marco making a joke of truly believing Rachel and Jessica were in love with him.
Animorphs Re-Read Table of Contents

Monday, March 24, 2014

The Eternal Heart: Angelic Savior

 "No, no, no." The cook told me and I had to hold back a sigh.

I had been accepted into the Resistance but that didn't mean much when my fellow comrades didn't trust me. Every day, sometimes every hour, it seemed there was a new rumor about me. The rumors usually focused on how I was secretly still working with Skynet. I assumed once John got things under control I'd be free to do what Resistance Fighters usually did.

For now I was doing simple jobs like kitchen duty.

"Sorry," I replied and stopped chopping up the vegetables.

"Do you know how rare these things are?" The cook asked me. Her voice seeming to tremble even before it left her throat.

"Really rare." I told her and tried to limit the sarcasm I put into those words.

"Yes, rare." She agreed. "Three days ago some soldiers came back with these and I'll be damned if you make it so that they're served wrong."

I held back a comment about how you couldn't really mess up chopping things. Well...I did for a few seconds.

"I'm chopping up vegetables, I think Skynet covered the chopping part in my programming." I replied.

"Maybe the human part of you didn't allow that part of the programming take hold." The cook said and I was silent. "Jash, you're a hybrid. I have heard talks about how you things are made."

"I'm sure when I was human I was very smart." I finally countered.

The cook just laughed.

"I'm sure and then you allowed yourself to be captured by Skynet." The cook said as she showed me how she wanted the vegetables to be chopped up.

"Well, maybe I gave my body to science because I thought Cyberdyne was a trustworthy company." I said and now she was silent as I started chopping as she had shown me.

While I didn't fully understand the cook, I knew enough to allow her what she wanted in the vegetable manner. Vegetables were extremely rare as Judgment Day had destroyed the ability of people to have a lot of successful harvests.

So finding a place you could farm at and get out even one successful harvest was a big deal.

"I didn't mean to-" The cook started.

"No, you didn't, cook." I said. "All of you just see the metal side of me, the side that Skynet used to control for a short time."

"I'm sor-" She tried again and didn't remark on the fact that I didn't call her by her name.

"No, you're not. You think you're sorry but you're just feeling momentary guilt that will go away when I leave."

The rest of the cooking was done in silence and even when she gave me instructions she didn't speak. Maybe she was feeling guilty. Maybe her view on me had changed after the many meals we had prepared together.

But that was too much to hope for. She would most likely tell the others that the metal she had worked with had frightened her and that maybe it was still working for Skynet. Then the others would congratulate her like she had taken on Skynet all by herself.

The smells had become thick when the cook gingerly tapped me on my shoulder. Her head and hand movements indicated that I was to go now. I didn't know why, but took the opportunity to leave anyway after cleaning up.

Leaving the kitchen I ran into two Resistance fighters that were recounting their latest battle. Like the majority of fighters, they weren't happy about fighting. They understood that in war you lost friends and that not everyone survived.

Some of them had even encountered that lesson first hand.

The Resistance fighters looked at me and I looked away. I didn't have a friend here. No one treated me like an actual person that had been hurt by Skynet. Only John Connor understood me. It was only by his word that I had lived this long.

But I feared that a Resistance fighter would get it into his or her head that it was safer if I was dead.

The only thing that was protecting me was John Connor and the fear the others had of me.

If only I could talk to John and have him help me with my confusion.

Was it good that I now lived or was it better if I had died?


 G and R Base, the base that was considered John Connor's home base and the one I'd been at since being saved by John, was dull again. Every day it was dull when I wasn't about to go on a mission or talking to anyone.

I did talk to people, but they weren't really friends. And they weren't talks most of the time, just people judging me. However, humans are social creatures and I took whatever social interactions I could. Even if they weren't what I considered friendly.

I had worked with someone else but now I was fixing the jeep on my own. It was odd for me to repair a machine, even if it wasn't a Terminator. The fact that every motion that I made to it and everywhere I looked on the jeep I imagined what was under my skin.

The fact that coltan was supporting me instead of bones made me wake up in sweats in the middle of the night. I sometimes was eating and had to force myself not to vomit at the thought. The only thought that made me not kill myself was to know that I had been human at one point.

Whatever else Skynet had done to me: Skynet could never change the fact that I was once human.

As I finished with my repair work I heard footsteps. I hadn't gotten to recognizing footsteps, except to tell if they were hurrying on a mission or seeing if someone had survived a mission, and when I stood up no one was there.

Whoever it was had paused for a minute and then continued on his or her way, though. So had that person wanted to talk to me or just look at the Friendly Resistance Terminator?

I headed over to what was commonly refereed to as 'the showers' but the showers didn't usually run. For the most part there were containers of some overused water that people used to keep moderately clean.

When I opened the door I turned and saw John Connor taking off his clothes. My gaze lingered longer than it should and I watched every movement. I put these memories into a safe place in my head to think back on.

John noticed me and I said, "Sorry, I'll leave if you want me to."

"Why? You're just as important to the Resistance as me." John said and gave me a smile.

"Yeah, no. Don't think I could lead men like you could." I said and had to stop myself from saying the reason I wanted to leave was because of my thoughts of him.

How much I wanted to feel his touch and breath on me was overwhelming.

"Don't doubt yourself." He replied.

"It's not that, I don't think I could lead." I told him and started taking off my own clothing since the likelihood of John allowing me to leave without him having hurt feelings seemed unlikely. "I can fight, I don't doubt that. I know I can fight just as good as any other Resistance fighter."

"Even better." He said as he looked at me a little too intently but restrained himself. "You have benefits the others don't have."

"You mean being programmed by Skynet?" I said a little less harshly since I was speaking to John.

"Partly." John conceded and we walked over to a stall once we were both undressed.

I saw no water buckets and smiled.

"Yes," He said looking at my face. "Running water today."

"So that's why you're down here." I said and laughed as his smile didn't hide anything.

I started to walk to another stall when John shook his head.

He wanted me!

I quickly went into the stall he was in and then he turned on the water.

Before I knew what was happening his lips were on mine. Our lips greeted each other like lovers that had been parted for a very long time. His hands went down my back and it felt like it was enjoying every inch of me like a fine meal. My hands went into his hair and I tried to hold myself steady.

In what could've been an instant or hours I fell against the wall and he steadied me. And then steadied himself as he en-

"-it's just not true." John said as he showered and I woke up from my daydream.

I couldn't tell what he had been talking about and realized I was cleaning myself up slowly while cold water ran out of the shower. Lingering on certain place.

I was still in his stall but he had been talking about something I hadn't really been listening to.

However, I was determined to not let that show, "Everyone believes the wrong thing from time to time."

"But I'm their leader." John pleaded. "They think I know what I'm doing and don't usually question me. Hell, Kate sometimes thinks I'm more sure of myself than I am."

"And do you lie to her about your confidence?"

"She's my wife and second in command. She has enough to worry about."

"Maybe you should tell her. That's the point of a wife, right? To be a shoulder to cry on?"

John laughed sadly and replied. " her, but loving someone means not stressing them out without reason. Besides, at least the Resistance fighters still think I know more than I do."

"Some of them, yeah." I said and pointed to myself while shaking my head to indicate I wasn't one of them.

As John smiled a real smile I thought about the positives of my situation. While John and I weren't lovers, at least we could still be very close friends. And, at the end of the day, wasn't seeing John happy all I needed?


John Connor had been spending hours on how he ran the Resistance. I listened to every syllable that came out of his mouth and took in how lovely his voice sounded to my ears. It took all my control to fully concentrate on what was being said. It surprised me that it was only me he was talking to about this. Where was Kate and why did I suddenly care?

The room that we were now in was a sort of storage area for spare parts. The parts were categorized by what they could be used for so that repairs could get done faster. And when your enemy was Skynet, you sure as hell had to work as fast as you could.

I was sitting on the dirty floor and John was leaning against a wall while talking.

John was now talking about how he looked out for Greys.

"They are really the worst thing about this war." John said, his voice heavy with grief. "Humans should be united against an enemy that threatens us all, but some are siding with an enemy that will kill them when its goal of conquest is completed."

"They are probably just scared or maybe they've been tricked into helping Skynet." I replied as I remembered how Skynet had fooled me.

I didn't want to know the exact numbers of Resistance fighters that I had killed because I could hardly sleep at night already.

John shook his head and said, "What some of them have tried to do...they know exactly what they are doing. We checked before we executed them."

"Do you like having that responsibility?" I asked.

"No, that's why I have others vote on the matter. I don't mind killing Terminators, I've been doing that since I was young, but I don't like to end the life of a human. It's something only Skynet should be doing. We should all be loyal to each other."

"If you don't mind killing Terminators, why did you save me?"

"Before Judgment Day a Terminator came back in time to save me. Well, two did but they looked the same."

"What did you call them?"

John looked off into the distance and a small smile formed on his face. "I called them Uncle Bob and I watched them both die. Once because he had to make sure there was no chance that Skynet was going to be a possibility and the next time he appeared he died saving me."

I put a hand on his shoulder at the end of the story. The fact that John referred to the Uncle Bobs as 'he' surprised me. It showed that John did think of Terminators as humans. Even ones that had never been born.

"Anyways, that's enough for today." John replied and put his hand on mine.

I didn't know how to ask him what I wanted as I felt his hand on mine. I had been dreaming about him and didn't want him to know I thought of him that way nearly constnatly when I slept. While I was awake I could admire his leadership and morality, but when I dreamed my need for his touch overtook me.

John finally turned his head to look at me. "Is there something you want to ask me?"

I looked and noticed he had let go of my hand and I removed my hand from his shoulder.

"What do you plan to do after?" I asked.

"After the war?" John said and laughed. "I don't know if I'll make it that far."

"Nothing can kill you." I said and laughed at the thought of anything taking John down. "But I was referring to what you're going to do now that the lesson for today is over."

The seconds while I waited for his answer felt like eternity.

"If you need me to help you with anything else today I will." I said trying to make him answer.

"I don't need your help for the rest of today," John replied. "But you'll be on guard duty tonight and you should rest before you go."

"Who will I be on guard duty with?" I asked and wished that I was going on guard duty alone.

But the Resistance, the real Resistance, didn't like having only one person on guard duty at G and R Base.

"Barnes." John replied simply and I let out a sigh.

I had nothing bad to say about Barnes' allegiance to both John and the Resistance, but he didn't like Terminators at all. That meant that he hated me.

This would be a very long night.


 The night was just beginning and it felt like the sun should already be rising on the horizon. I hated the man beside me. His dark skin seemed to help him blend into the night and he tried to keep his eyes averted from the sight of me.

"Don't people usually talk on guard duty?" I asked as the silence got to me. If I was going to spend a long night with Barnes, I needed some sound.

"Some people do." Barnes said and sounded as lifeless as the metal he said he hated.

"And you don't talk to people while on guard duty?"

"You're not a person. You're just some metal with the face of a person."

I was more than insulted with that comment. I wasn't metal with the face of a person, I was a person with my humanity replaced with metal. I was an abomination, but I was still human.

"No," I told him. "I was operated on by Skynet and made to be...what I am today."

"At least you're metal that knows your place." Barnes said, with a disturbing smile on his face. "You should just kill yourself and be done with it. Or I'll help you if your programming doesn't allow it."

"The parts of my Skynet programming that allowed it to control me was erased when I came here. So I could kill myself if I wanted to." I told Barnes and had to resist leaving him paralyzed for that comment. "And my place is with the Resistance."

"And in bed with John Connor?" He replied and I turned to him surprised. "I've guessed it, especially with how Kate has been acting lately."

"I haven't had sex with him." I said with something unsaid that my comrade picked up on.

"You don't have a chance with him." Barnes said with a smug smile on his face.

I hated that smile because it reinforced what I already knew. No matter how much I loved John, he would never allow me to get too close. Not close enough to be his wife and not even close enough to have an affair with him. All I'd be able to do is look at him and see what could have been.

"You don't know that." I replied, pushing my doubts to the deepest part of my mind.

"Metal and humans shouldn't mix. It's unnatural." Barnes stated. "You're the enemy and to think differently is to start down the road of becoming a Grey."

"But I feel like a human." I hissed. "I need to sleep and I need to eat. Hell, I can feel every emotion that you can. You're not more than me, you're just the same."

"All your emotions were created, they aren't real."

"How can they be fake if I feel them? If I can react to them?"

"All your reactions are programmed and you react accordingly."

I knew what he said could be true. Who I was before could've been radically different than how I am now. I could've used to be someone who would've sided with Skynet in an instant.

I could've been someone that wanted to destroy all of humanity and so gave my body to Skynet for that reason. No one would ever know.

"You know I was human before. How do you think it feels to be living as the enemy? As an abomination?" I said and that seemed to make Barnes silent.

He was a big supporter of John Connor and hated anything related to Skynet with a passion. He was a great man to have at your side and someone you wanted to never fight. That's how strong his passion was.

I knew, or at least hoped, that he was silent because he was imagining waking up to metal underneath his skin. The thought that all that he had been before had been tainted by the thing that he hated most. That he could never go back to what he had been before.

I also knew that if he thought this he would never admit it. He was that kind of man.

I noticed him looking out in the distance and turned my attention outward. Skynet had made me to be a fighter but hadn't added too much to my human sight. It probably thought I could get enough information from my hearing.

"Do you see anything?" Barnes asked me.

"A mass of something." I replied.

Barnes said nothing but an angry retort seemed to be on the edge of his lips.

As I waited for Barnes' angry retort I tried to make out what the mass in the distance was. If the mass could be said to be angry that's the emotion I would use to describe it. But was it some humans that had decided not to take a side in the war or some present from Skynet?

My hands tightened around my gun as I felt excitement course through my veins. I could now prove to Barnes that I was a good fighter. I could prove to Barnes that whatever he felt about metal, I was one of the good ones. That John Connor had a reason to trust me.

"Terminators." Barnes said and I had my answer to two important questions.

One being if what I had said to him had gotten through. Metal was a derogatory term that the Resistance and other humans used to refer to Terminators. So him not using the term implied that he was showing respect to me.

At least for the moment.

The second being what the mass was. Good, I could prove myself to him through fighting.

Why did I want to gain his respect, anyways? That thought bugged me as the Terminators got closer to the base.

But then I had an answer.

Barnes was close to John Connor and if he respected me things could go smoother with John in the future.

"What do you want me to do?" I asked, figuring that acting like I truly respected Barnes would make this small fight easier for the both of us.

"Sound the alarms." Barnes said and I had to control the expression of shock that was begging to come onto my face. "Don't make it too loud, there doesn't seem to be that many Terminators. I should be able to take care of them."

I guess whatever Barnes had taken from our conversation didn't extend to wanting to be at my side during a fight.

"I'm a hybrid." I told him angrily. "If there's someone that could fight Terminators, it's another Terminator."

"And how do I know you won't betray me?" Barnes fired back.

I realized that now wasn't the time to have a full blown argument about where my loyalties lay. If we argued about it for even a second too long the base could take more of a beating than it should.

What if John Connor blamed me and any possible future we had together was lost because I couldn't back down from any kind of fight?

I turned away and started the first part of the alarm system. It was 'silent' as bells and whistles didn't sound loudly across the base. The people most necessary to the base's defense would become aware of what was happening and with a small fight that usually worked out.

And if things got more intense than expected there would be another line of defense.

As quickly as I had sounded the alarm I raced back to Barnes' side.

"I'm not letting a good soldier like you die because of your ego." I said as he spared a simple glance for me.

There was silence as the small group of Terminators got close enough to start firing. They must not have known that John Connor was here at the moment or else there would've been a lot more firepower in this group.

I knew that Barnes wanted to argue about how disregarding his orders was the wrong thing to do. Even though it was, I knew John Connor would be on my side. But first I needed to make sure I'd be worthy of John's praise.

I watched Barnes and was slightly nervous as this would be my first time fighting with him. When fighting as a pair you had to move as one. Even though I was open to feeling like one with him now, I knew it would be hard for him to get into the mindset.

As the first few Terminators came into range and all of us started firing, Barnes and I shot down our targets though we both didn't have a good feel of each other.

But as the fight continued we both grew closer to each other. Battle seems to do that with people. Battle seems to draw people closer together even though when the fighting ends they'll be far apart.

I feigned falling down so that the Terminators firing at me would grow more confident. At least the kind of confidence a Terminator can feel. When they relaxed their guard I fired at one as Barnes took care of the other two.

I laughed as the signals I had given to Barnes had been half-assed, but he had understood what I had meant.

I quickly stopped laughing as we finished up the final two.

As Barnes shot at the last one, the one I had shot down fired a final shot at him. I shot my Terminator a few more times to make sure it was down before checking Barnes who had collapsed.

A bullet had gone through part of Barnes' leg. It would take a little while to heal, but he'd be up and fighting in no time.

"Barnes?" I asked as I saw him look nervously at me.

"Thanks." Barnes said and I knew that was as good of a 'good job, thanks for protecting my sorry human ass' as I was going to get.


"You disobeyed Barnes?" John asked with a hint of amusement. I think it amused him when I took things into my own hands.

"I just figured that he would've gotten his ass kicked if I hadn't rescued him." I replied.

I knew that John would discuss the previous night with me. I had been waiting for it, actually. I had been waiting to see him again and to hear his voice. Living in Hell meant that there weren't many things to look forward to. One of the things in this Hellish life I had to look forward to was John.

"He's not as headstrong as the others." John said, still trying to appear like the leader.

"Well he trusts you," I said with a small smile on my lips. "That's got to mean he has some brain damage."

The leader facade swept away from his face as a grin replaced it. Seeing him smile was worth all the pain. Making him smile made me feel that my time being brainwashed by Skynet was being erased.

"You trust me." John said back to me.

"I never claimed that I was the smartest person here." I said and tried to put on a serious expression. I failed at this and burst out laughing.

"You do have to follow orders, though, the other men won't respect you if you don't." John said, suddenly serious. "And if you keep willfully disregarding rules I don't think I can help you."

"What if I don't need your help?"

"Doesn't matter, you want it."

John was right, of course. Even if one day I could physically escape him, my heart would always belong to him. I would never be able to escape him and I didn't mind. I didn't mind that fact at all.

"So what should I do next time?" I asked him. "Let him or someone else get themselves killed? Just watch them die and feel good because I followed orders?"

"If you want to be a soldier you have to follow orders."

"I'll follow your orders." I replied and saw his sad smile.

I knew that he doubted himself and didn't like when others put their full faith in him. He didn't like it when everyone around him seemed to die for him. But who couldn't help but follow him?

John's face just screamed at you to be loyal to him. It told you that whatever else happened, he was the one thing in life that would never change. He would always fight to defend you and the rest of humanity.

And his body was strong. It would be good to endure a long fight without tiring. It would also be good to push me up against one of these walls that were surrounding us. We could have a glorious moment of heaven and then hold each other as we settled down from the ordeal.

I was about to shake my head when I realized it was beyond useless to try and resist. I wanted him and I could tell that he wanted me. We both loved each other and if I had to be the one to make the first move, so be it.

"John, you're stronger than you know." I told him and moved slowly towards him.

Not because I was afraid of frightening him, but because I was nervous for making such a bold move.

"Everyone says that, I don't believe it." John replied.

I put a hand on John's face and felt what I had been longing to feel for a long time. He titled his head ever so slightly to better fit into the palm of my hand. He wanted to feel comforted and I wanted to help him feel comfort.

"I would never lie to you, John. If I thought you were being an idiot I would tell you without a second thought."

"I know, that's why I like you."

"Not that I would want to call you an idiot."

"I know that too."

I continued to build up my courage as I leaned with my lips towards his. The breath from his mouth was driving me mad, so I went slower to try and keep myself calm. I wanted this and with his breathing I could tell that he wanted this too. I knew then that both of us wanted our lips to lock quickly so that he could take me here and now.

I knew in that moment that I didn't care what happened as long as John entered me in every sense of the word.

But before our wishes could be fulfilled, John put a finger on my lips to stop me and said, "No. I need to think."

"I understand." I told him and I did.

But I was tired of holding back and I knew that he had to be too. However, he was married and so he was facing confusion that I couldn't even begin to understand at the moment.

I loved him, I truly did, and so I would wait. I owed him that.


It had been a few days since I had nearly kissed John. My dreams since then had John touching my lips with his fingers. Unlike reality, however, these dreams always ended with him kissing me. Sometimes they even went further than a kiss.

I had seen John around base and it seemed as though he was avoiding me. I didn't seek him out as I figured that he was deep in thought about what to do. If he was going to choose Katherine or me. Having never been in a relationship before, or at least not remembering being in one, I didn't know how long it would take for him to decide.

After coming back from a training exercise I headed over to the showers. There hadn't been a battle in awhile, but John made sure that we were still in shape. John wouldn't always oversee these exercises himself, but he made sure they went on. While the exercises did give me a distraction, I needed an actual battle with real bloodshed to calm me.

Taking my clothes off, I was very glad that I would get cleaned up some. I hoped that there was running water today but I doubted it. Every now and again the showers would actually work, but it was a rare event.

Once my clothes were off, I headed over for the stalls. I heard someone and sighed as I realized today wouldn't be a good shower day. It would be another day of cleaning with a dirty rag and decently aged water.

Walking around the small room my eyes quickly found the other person. It was John Connor.

"Hi, John." I said and he looked at me.

"You can join me." John said and I walked over to the stall he was in. "I need to talk to you."

I wasn't getting too excited about what John would say. He wasn't looking at me like a lover, but like someone that is about to tell me someone I care about has died. Hopefully I was misreading him.

"So what's the world shattering news from the great John Connor?" I joked as I started to wash.

I didn't want to admit that any term to describe nervous would not even hint at what I was feeling now. I loved John and I wished for that same love in return.

"I met Kate at a very low point in my life." John started to explain. "Before Judgment Day I was trying to hide from the reality that I knew would happen. On Judgment Day she was beside me and hasn't left me since."

I tried to appear like I didn't care. That him choosing Katherine over me was expected and normal. I tried to appear like I was glad to not have ruined a marriage.

But I wasn't happy.

"I hope you have a long life together." I said as I turned away from him.

"Jash," He said and grabbed my arm so I would face him. "I know you're upset and I don't blame you. But Kate has helped me through times that I couldn't have gotten by without her. I love you, Jash, but I can't be with you."

"Why not?" I pleaded. "If you love me then why can't you be with me? You're the le-"

"Just because I'm a leader doesn't mean I can do whatever want. I love you and Kate both. But I won't dissolve my marriage because of something I want to happen. I want a future with you but I couldn't live with myself if I divorced Kate."

"She must be special to you."

A tear went down John's cheek as he replied, "She is."

"And you wish she wasn't."

John just nodded.

A tear fell down my cheek and suddenly John and I were embracing. I was crying on his shoulder and he was crying on mine.

"I understand." I said through my sobs. "I wish I didn't."

"I'll always care for you, but I can't be with you."

After that brief bit of dialogue we continued to cry.
 All of The Eternal Heart
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Beverly Katz and Sexism

Now I'll start off listing my biases so you can judge the rest of this post accordingly.

I don't like to tie myself to any one group due to me feeling like my actions will have to be what the group demands or else I won't really be part of the group. That's why I don't call myself a liberal even though some of my views reflect that group.

However, I am a feminist and believe that to be free from the idea of femininity as bad or an insult means that men will also get benefit from it.

I am also a huge Hannibal fan (especially for the show though I have read two of the books and seen three of the movies) and adore the show on NBC.

With that out of the way, let's get started!

In the Hannibal Season 2 Episode "Takiawase", Beverly Katz died. Or at least we assume she did but I'm one of those people that if I don't see someone die I'll assume that they will come back until it's stated otherwise.

But let's assume that Beverly died last episode for the rest of this post for simplicity's sake.

Many people were outraged over Beverly's death. But it wasn't because she was a beloved character or the fact that her character shouldn't have died since she's alive in the book Red Dragon. Nope, it is because Bryan Fuller is a racist and sexist pig for killing her character off.

I'll give you a moment to let the stupidity of that statement sink in.
Hannibal is a show that people die in. If you get too close to Hannibal Lecter, or your death would further his plans, he will kill you. He doesn't care about your race, sexual identity, gender, ect. All he cares about is how you living or dying will affect his plans (sometimes those plans include shifting the blame from himself).

And Beverly is not the first woman to die but the first where there has been such an outcry. When Abigail Hobbs died people didn't give as much of a shit.

But let's not get lost away in just character deaths but look at the show that surrounds them. You must remember Hannibal is a show where people die and is not for the faint of heart.

Here are some reasons that show that Bryan Fuller is not a sexist racist pig for killing off Beverly Katz:

1.) Bryan Fuller Genderbent Characters

Why did he do this? He wanted to have women play a greater role in the show. Characters such as Alan Bloom became Alana Bloom and Freddy Lounds became Freddie Lounds. Not only did he genderbend characters for a bigger female cast, he created female characters especially for the show. So we got Abigal Hobbs who was most likely inspired from the Garret Jacob Hobbs story mentioned in Red Dragon.

2.) Laurence Fishburne
In the Hannibal book series, Jack Crawford is white. However, Bryan Fuller made the character a POC for the show. While I loathed the character by the Season 1 Finale, it's more the fact that he became an antagonist for Will Graham and not that he was a villain. And as Season 2 is progressing he is coming back into my good graces.

3.) All The Women Are Strong (In Their Own Ways)
Let's start off by talking about Freddie Lounds. While I have a love/hate relationship with the character (except her hair), even I have to agree that she is strong. While I don't like her job, I do have to agree that she is very sharp. It was Freddie who saw through Abigail's disguise first, not counting Hannibal, and that takes talent. According to Freddie, Abigail didn't take into account that 'little girls that lie grow up'. aka that Freddie can tell she's a liar because she's also one.
Alana Bloom has romantic feelings for Will Graham, but is smart enough to realize that it wouldn't work out. So to keep herself safe she doesn't start a relationship with him. That doesn't mean she is any less of an ally, though, as shown by her actions as of the Season 2 Premiere.
Abigail Hobbs, while not being the most easy to sympathize with at times, tries to play with Hannibal. At one point in Season 1 she goes against his orders and that may have been partially done to show Hannibal that she isn't one to be messed with lightly. That's strength there!
In Season 2 Dr. Bedelia Du Maurier has a powerful scene with Hannibal Lecter where she faces off verbally with him. The cannibal is so impressed that he lets her go (at least that's my theory, it could also be that he didn't consider her to be a big enough threat at the moment OR it could be both).

And if I went to go on about each and every female character I'd be here all day.

4.) Women Figure Hannibal Out

There are women on the show that figure out what Hannibal Lecter actually is. And when you get too close to Hannibal he tends to eliminate the problem and serve it up as a tasty dish. So I would say this is a kudos to women for unraveling this mystery of a person.
Miriam Lass figured out what Hannibal is and so he killed her. The scene, I must add, was a homage to one of the first scenes in the movie Red Dragon.

Abigail Hobbs figured out what Hannibal is and lasted awhile. But when her living endangered him he killed her. This is even though he seemed to think of her as a replacement for his deceased sister.

Beverly Katz has joined the ranks as she discovered that Will Graham was right.

So, nope, Bryan Fuller is NOT a sexist racist pig. Beverly Katz was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Hannibal is a show where people die and that means that a character you adore will die. It's fine to get sad over a character's death, but to say the maker of the show is sexist because of it is not.

I didn't expand on some points in this post due to me wanting to keep it short as possible. So if you have any questions feel free to ask me.

Jash Talks: Rejoicing Over Death

I talk about about Fred Phelps dying and start to try to cover other topics before Omar hijacks the show.

If you would like to send questions/topics for the next live show just comment below and they will be answered!

Also go to my twitter (@jashykins) to look for updates about the next live show!