New Beginnings and Second Chances

Fic Or Original: Fic

Fandom(s): Animorphs

Rating: T (as according to ffnet)

Characters In Chapter: Tobias, Marco, and a Surprise Character

Relationship(s): Tobias/Surprise Character, Tobias/Marco, and Tobias/Marco/Surprise Character

It’s been three years. I told George. Three years since Rachel died.

 

I sipped the beer from the glass he had given me. As a red-tailed hawk, I didn’t get much enjoyment from alcohol so when I drank as one it was more out of habit. It was more because it felt like I should. George didn’t mind if I drank as a red-tailed hawk or a human and that’s one of the reasons I drank with him from time to time.

 

George also didn’t tell anyone else what I, one of the surviving Animorphs aka Tobias Fangor, told him in confidence. Looking at him you wouldn’t expect that as he was old and disheveled with alcohol always on his breath.

 

As we drank in my meadow, I instinctively looked out for any predators even though it was highly unlikely that I would be attacked with George around.

 

“You mean the end of the war.” George said and took a drink from his beer can.

 

Same thing. I replied.

 

“End of something at least. You went on a whole drinking and sex spree. Ever think of settling down?”

 

With one sex partner or an actual relationship?

 

“An actual relationship. You and Rachel seemed to be very close and maybe part of you will return if you get an actual relationship.”

 

Marco I can see as a sex partner, but I don’t know about being in an emotional relationship with him.

 

“Every time the pair of you gets together you seem happy enough.”

 

That’s because we’re having sex.

 

“You don’t just talk about having sex with him every time the two of you meet.”

 

I didn’t visit the other remaining Animorphs for the most part. Ax was usually doing military stuff and wasn’t close to Earth. Jake was someone I had promised never to talk to ever again unless it was for something important. Cassie I sometimes talked to when I visited the free Hork-Bajir. But the only one I had much communication with was Marco.

 

After a little bit of coaxing, we had started having sex. But soon after we stopped due to him telling me that he wasn’t into guys and then I had left on my soul searching journey. Or at least what had turned into soul searching.

 

We hadn’t talked since then, except for a call here and there, and I was nervous about talking with him.

 

I’m going to contact him soon. I told George. Remember what I told you about the Frolis maneuver?

 

“That’s where you mix the DNA of multiple members of a species to form one morph?” George asked while looking slightly disinterested.

 

I got a bunch of people to agree to let me acquire one so I have an adult morph for Marco to bang. I know he likes my own form as a human, but that doesn’t age. It will never age and banging people with a thirteen year old’s body is just weird and uncomfortable at times. Besides, Marco might be more easily attracted to an actual adult.

 

“So you went through all this trouble just to bang Marco?”

 

And anyone else in the future.

 

“Do you realize how unlike you this sounds?”

 

Hey, it’s not like I haven’t focused on sex before now.

 

“I’ve heard you talk about Marco and you wouldn’t acquire a morph just for the sole reason of having sex with him. You’re telling me you didn’t go on your ‘soul searching’ because he rejected you?”

 

Are you going to keep telling me that I’m in love with Marco? I am interested in him sexually and nothing more.

 

George just shrugged and continued to drink. He was done arguing with me for the night. He had been pushing for me and Marco to be together for a little while now. It was odd to have someone tell me what my relationship status should be. Hell, Rachel and myself had never gone through this with the other Animorphs.

 

Of course, at the time, me and the other Animorphs had been fighting a war. We weren’t that concerned with who was with who or who was into what. The Yeerk invasion was much more important than our love lives.

 

But Marco...He seemed to want to play a part. He wanted to pretend he was a macho man and that he was only into girls. I couldn’t speak of his sexuality with any certainty, but I knew he liked guys. He had liked me sexually.

 

He had enjoyed me in his pool and in my cabin. If we had stayed together longer maybe we could’ve enjoyed each other in more places.

 

Marco...maybe I did want him for other reasons. It wasn’t just the sex that kept drawing me back. It was his jokes, his laughter, and his ability to be there for me. Maybe there was some other part of me that wanted him for more than sex.

 

But if Marco didn’t want me sexually, if he couldn’t admit what one part of himself wanted, what did it really matter? Why did I think it mattered?

* * *

In my darkest moments, during and after the war, I always felt glad knowing I could fly. The power of flight that the hawk body gave me helped cancel out darker thoughts. Flying allowed me to find peace that nothing else could help me achieve. Alcohol couldn’t give me this peace and sex couldn’t give me this peace.

 

But flying alone didn’t help me deal with things in the long run.

 

As I was enjoying the mood, an Osprey dove down beside me.

 

Holy shit, Marco! I screamed and he laughed. You do know actual predators hunt me, right?

 

Marco’s reply was just to laugh. I admit I wasn’t really mad at him. I couldn’t be. Marco could be the biggest asshole in the world, but he could never make me mad for long. Behind Marco’s jokes and laughter was someone who would always be there for you. He was loyal and, with Rachel gone, he was one of the only ones I truly trusted.

 

Yeah, you fight the Yeerks and get killed by an Osprey, Tobias. Marco joked.

 

I think that’s called irony. I replied and would’ve smiled if I had had a mouth.

 

It would be funny if after all the battles we fought that I was killed by something as common as a bird.

 

What if I killed you? I joked as I started to chase him.

 

We ended up chasing each other for a little bit through the clear blue sky. It was one of those days where there wasn’t a cloud in the sky and things felt perfect. It felt like nothing could go wrong. And I hoped nothing would go wrong as I had decided on telling Marco about the Frolis maneuver today. I knew what my adult form was would get a chuckle out of him at least.

 

Well, can you kill me a little faster? We’re getting close to the two hour limit. Marco reminded me.

 

My main form was now a hawk so I didn’t have to worry about a time limit when I went flying. Marco, on the other hand, would have to demorph or not be able to resume his usual adorable form. I was jealous of him for that at times.

 

He didn’t have to go through learning to adapt to a new life as a bird. He didn’t have to wonder what he was when he had time to think. But, at the same time, he couldn’t fly all the time.

 

Yeah, we should head back. I told him and we started to head towards his mansion.

 

Alfred can make you something if you want. Marco replied.

 

His name isn’t Alfred.

 

It should be.

Marco was going to have to demorph when we landed which meant I could finally show off my adult morph. I was nervous that it wouldn’t be attractive to him. But he’d want me no matter what I looked like, right? Hopefully.

 

You know the Frolis maneuver Ax performed to get his human morph? I asked.

 

Yeah. Marco said and it seemed like more of a question than a statement.

 

You know how my human morph never ages?

 

Yeah. Wait...did you-

 

Perform a Frolis maneuver? Yeah. I sort of needed something more adult. Especially when we all get older.

 

Tobias, you know you’ll be a child no matter what you look like.

 

Ha ha ha.

 

Then we both broke out into real laughter. His joke was sort of funny but, more than that, it was him being a loving soul without appearing that way. A lot of things seemed to be about appearances with him.

 

Finally we came upon his mansion.

 

It was a good sized one, though I hadn’t been given the full tour. The pool and a room or two was all I had seen of it. The fact was that it being such a large building frightened me. The fact that there were so many hallways made me not want to see the rest of it.

 

I lived life as a hawk with only a small cabin, for love making or solitude depending on my mood, as the only building I entered. I preferred wide open spaces.

 

Marco, on the other hand, liked the stability that money brought and a mansion was a big way to show that off. I didn’t blame him as he wasn’t financially stable during the war. And, besides, the pool held some very fond memories for me.

 

Marco knew where I’d be most comfortable so we landed by the pool. He had recently gotten some palm trees which provided a little bit of shade but were more for show than anything else.

 

Once he landed he started to demorph. Morphing is always a disturbing process to watch. Cassie, the best morpher of the group, had trouble making certain morphs look good. Maybe it was just how I was feeling, but Marco seemed to demorph in a way that rivaled Cassie.

 

That was probably just do to my lo-liking him.

 

When he finished he just looked at me. I don’t know if I hadn’t started morphing because I was admiring him or that I was afraid. Maybe a combination of the two.

 

I mentally sighed and started morphing into my adult morph. I started to grow human hands and human feet shortly before I started growing to the proper height. As I grew, human skin replaced feathers and the final thing to go away was my beak.

 

As it became more apparent what my human form looked like, Marco had been holding back laughter. Now that it was done he just started laughing and he appeared to also be partially turned on by my morph. I didn’t blame him.

 

“Oh my god, Tobias, you’ve morphed Mark Ruffalo!” Marco said and I didn’t know when he was going to stop laughing.

* * *


Marco’s laughter had seemed to go on for hours. I was even nervous that I would have to demorph soon before anything could be resolved. The whole morphing process was too exhausting to morph, demorph, and morph again quickly. Only an Estreen, like Cassie, could do that. I didn’t want to get stuck mid-morph and not be able to function.

I didn’t want to imagine how a half-hawk half-human body would function or even if it could.

I checked a nearby clock for the fifth time and saw only eight minutes had passed. It was still an impressive amount of time to laugh non-stop, though.

 

“To...Tob...Tobias, you acquired Mark Ruffalo?” Marco said as he seemed to calm down finally.

 

“No,” I replied and found Ruffalo’s voice to be a good yet odd match to my own. “I acquired a bunch of people and it just happened that the morph turned out to be Mark Ruffalo.”

 

I saw Marco struggle not to burst out into laughter again as he replied, “But the coincidence. Shit like that doesn’t just happen on accident.”

 

“Sometimes it does, Marco.” I said and sighed.

 

I suddenly noticed that when Marco had been talking to and laughing at me that he hadn’t been looking directly into my eyes. Maybe he’d glance at them but mostly his eyes looked everywhere but my eyes. A smile started to form on my face and then I pushed it away.

 

I needed to stay concentrated on the moment and not what I hoped would happen.

 

“You know I...like Ruffalo.” Marco said slowly.

 

“I do too.” I told him. “He’s not exactly an unattractive man.”

 

“But what does he think about you morphing him? Or did you even tell him yet?”

 

“I talked with him. It was really embarrassing morphing him the first time. I didn’t want him to think I was some stalker. I can turn into any animal so thinking you have a stalker like that is just frightening.”

 

“And he agreed? Mark Ruffalo agreed to let you morph him?”

 

“Yeah. I promised to always alert him if I was going to morph him in public and to help alert him to anyone purposefully confusing the two of us.”

 

“You two didn’t discuss morphing in private?” Marco asked as his eyes stayed focused on my hair.

 

“Well he sort of figured that I’d want an adult form to do stuff like drink and have sex.” I said and grinned as I saw him blush. “It’s really awkward doing stuff like sex with the body of a thirteen year old to say the least.”

 

“But it never seemed to bother you before.” He said and I swear there was a touch of sadness in his voice.

 

“Hey, it’s not like I won’t ever morph into myself from time to time.” I said and placed a hand on his shoulder.

 

Marco then looked into my eyes and got lost in them. I could see why he had been hesitant before as the look he was giving me now was very sexually charged, to say the least. I figured now was as good of time as any to ask him.

 

“You sure you’re not into guys?” I asked.

 

“What?” Marco said as he realized that he had been staring for too long. “No. No. Totally a ladies man.”

 

“Sure?” I asked and purposefully ran a hand through my hair.

 

“Yeah, I’m sure.” But, as he replied, the words seemed to have trouble coming out of his mouth.

 

“Listen, I’m not asking for a commitment here. Just maybe a night or two and then we can go to other sex partners.”

 

“I told you I’m not-“

 

“Marco, you just got lost in my eyes and before that you were checking me out. You can say you’re not gay or that you don’t like guys all you want, but I know you’re lying. It hurts.”

 

“And it doesn’t hurt you that all your interactions with me lately have been involving sex?”

 

“Because losing your girlfriend and having no one to turn to is so easy to deal with. At least your parents are together. My mom doesn’t remember my dad. Hell, it sometimes feels like she has nothing but loathing for him because of the responsibility I was given.”

 

“So all you’re going to do is fuck me for stability?”

 

“If I say I love you, how will that matter if you don’t want sex with me? I need sex in a relationship. How can I think of going further with you if you’re not going to admit anything?”

 

After that outburst we just looked at each other. I both hated and loved Marco at that moment. I loathed him for making me feel guilty and for not admitting what he felt sexually. It was wrong for me to just have sex with him as a crutch, but he could at least admit he liked it.

 

I loved Marco too because I couldn’t hate him, at least not fully. I could never hate him so much that I would never have feelings for him.

 

It seemed that we would look at each other for years and that we wouldn’t stop looking at each other until we died. Would he ever decide yes or would it be a no?

 

Then Marco finally made his move. One of his hands tightly gripped my hair and his lips met mine. I kissed him back fiercely and put a hand on the back of his neck while my other hand went to undo his pants.

* * *

The air was cool as the sun set in the mountains. Marco and myself were in front of my mountain lake cabin. If we were to walk a little further then we would reach the beach of the lake. We had gone in the lake shortly before sunset. Marco was wearing his swimming trunks and my feathers were still wet. I was perched on the back of Marco’s chair.

I had morphed my usual human self to swim. We hadn’t had sex while swimming, though, as Marco was having too much fun in beaver morph. I had thought about morphing another animal to chase him with, but that would expend too much energy.

 

I looked over his head at the sunset and enjoyed how the light hit the trees and mountains. I felt like spreading my wings and having a small flight before going in for the night. But my feathers were still too wet to fly comfortably. If I had to fly I could, but flying for pleasure now was impossible.

 

“So why did you make this cabin again?” Marco asked lazily, not really caring for the answer as he already knew. But I guess he wanted to talk just so he could hear my thought-speak replying. “I know that when it was built you didn’t come here often.”

 

I did do traveling, I explained again. So I needed somewhere to rest. Especially when the weather got bad. After it was built I eventually used it for both solitude and having sex. This is a place that I used a lot when I was on my soul searching journey.

 

“Yeah,” Marco said and he sounded sort of guilty. “I guess I should’ve been there for you more.”

 

If we didn’t part ways then I probably wouldn’t be stable right now.

 

“You call your current state stable?”

 

At least I wasn’t swimming around as a beaver humming the Batman theme song earlier.

 

Marco just shook his head. I rubbed my head against his and then one of his hands reached back and scratched my neck. It was wonderful to have him up here in this setting. There was no war and we didn’t have to deal with anyone but ourselves. This was the life.

 

The sun went down and I jumped to the ground. Marco stood up and we looked at each other.

 

“Did you put clothes on?” Marco asked and smiled.

 

Didn’t see a reason to. I said as I began the morph.

 

Marco smiled at my reply and I would soon have a mouth to smile back at him with. And it wouldn’t be a smile just because we were going to have sex and I was glad that I would be having it with him for one more night at least. No, it went deeper than the mere physical.

 

As my talons turned into feet as I started to rise to Ruffalo morph height, I thought how good it was to admit that I loved him. Hell, it was even better that he had admitted that he loved me.

 

The moment we had admitted our feelings for each other was…strange. It was strange because we had both hid our feelings for so long. We had hid them both from ourselves and each other. Maybe soul searching was the reason I was able to or maybe it was because Marco had finally not felt ashamed at his own sexuality.

 

Whatever the reason, I was glad we had said we loved each other.

 

As I neared completion with my morph, and only my tail feathers would show that I had been a bird, Marco put his hands on my shoulders and kissed my lips. It took all of my concentration to finish the morph.

 

“I’ve told you not to do that before.” I said with a small laugh.

 

“And every time you tell me…” Marco said as his eyes explored my body more intently than he did with his hands when we were actually having sex.

 

“I act like I don’t mind because it’s useless trying to teach you anything.”

 

Marco grinned as we walked back to the cabin.

 

Tobias Fangor. I told the alarm system.

 

Though you couldn’t see them with the naked eye, cameras and sensors were looking at my body and examining my DNA. I had entered Mark Ruffalo’s DNA into the system, though that was somewhat unsafe. Hopefully, though, the thought-speak recognition program would catch someone else trying to break in. My own human morph was the one no one else could morph and so I’d usually use that morph to enter the cabin.

 

Accepted. It replied and Marco went to open the door.

 

As soon as I followed him in I shut the door and pushed him against the nearest wall. I knew we had wanted to start in the bed for once, but that proved impossible tonight. Things got hot and heavy quickly and I didn’t think we’d ever make it to the bedroom.

* * *

We hadn’t made it to the bedroom. Well…unless you counted Marco’s feet making it across the doorway making it to the bedroom. I didn’t mind, though. The sex had been great and cuddling with my boyfriend afterwards was a big plus. While I didn’t find it a problem now, the hawk part of my mind hadn’t liked it at first. I had always been able to control it, but it had been worse in the beginning.

 

Hawks didn’t normally find being wrapped up in someone’s arms comforting. They found it suffocating and thinking that it would lead to a quick death.


 

But, at the moment, the hawk’s panic wasn’t reaching me. All that was reaching me was the warm, naked body of my lover. The body that I had made shiver and moan and it had done the same to me. I know that most media will tell you that sex is the goal, but cuddling up was the real goal for me.


 

My eyes almost closed again but then they opened back up. Maybe my control over the hawk part of me wasn’t as great as I had thought. It might keep me up for an hour or two, but I knew I would eventually fall asleep and wake up in the morning with Marco’s arms still around me.


 

The hawk part of me continued to keep me awake by looking around the hallway. It was also concerned that it was too close to the ground to escape any predators. Especially the human with its arms around it.


 

Finally it calmed down enough for me to close my eyes. My dreams started out simple with me flying over the mountains with Marco in Osprey morph. It then went to when I went to Rachel after I had finally decided to continue to fight after saving a human from some Hork-Bajir. It ended with me kissing Rachel for the first time after I was able to morph human again.

 

I dreamt I was in a coffin with black and red being the only two colors I could see. Then someone knocked on my coffin. Each knock becoming louder and more deafening. I woke up and started to try to fly away when I still heard that knocking sound.

 

“What?” Marco asked sleepily as my movements had woken him.

 

He happened to move just enough for me to fly to one of the many perches in my cabin. This one was right above the door to my room.

 

“What?” Marco asked and jumped up.

 

Now we were both looking towards the knocking sound. It seemed to be coming from my front door.

 

“Expecting someone?” He asked, not looking at me.

 

No, I replied. The only one, besides me, that will be up here this week is you. The cleaning lady won’t come until next week.

 

“Cleaning lady ever do any late night calls?”

 

If you’re asking if we’re intimate, no. She doesn’t want anything sexual from me. And I don’t feel like it’s worth my time to push the issue.

 

Marco nodded and started to head towards the front door and then stopped. He was scared like I was. There wasn’t enough room for him to do his gorilla morph and he must be confused which morph to choose as he was just standing there.

 

I took imitative and flew towards the door and landed on top of a couch so that I would face the door. After two minutes, Marco walked towards the door in wolf morph. His mouth was opened as he softly snarled.

 

Security, what is standing outside my door? I asked the security system. Something I should’ve done when I first heard the knocking.

 

Marco looked at me and shook his wolf head.

 

I waited impatiently for the security system to confirm that whatever was outside the door wasn’t harmful. While the curtains were up, the security system had blackened all the windows so whatever was outside couldn’t see inside. I had decided before I had gotten with Marco, or had even decided I wanted to see people again, that I wanted the blackening effect to go both ways. I didn’t care who was outside because I didn’t want to see them anyways. Well…at the time I bought the cabin.

 

It’s a human female. Unarmed. Late teens. DNA appears to be forged. It finally replied.

 

Marco and I looked at each other. We both wanted to open the door and not let the security system deal with her. Not smart, but a human wouldn’t be enough to kill both of us. I was wondering if I should morph to my actual human self or if Marco should demorph. He made the decision for me and quickly demorphed. Well…as quickly as he could. Once he finished, I readied myself to attack if need be. If she really was an unarmed human, then a hawk should distract her enough for Marco to fight as a human or as one of his many morphs.

 

Marco then opened the door and he stood still. He didn’t move an inch. He slowly moved so I could see what was making him freeze up. Once I could see her I froze up.

 

I had never expected to see her again and my brain was on overdrive to figure out how it could be that I wasn’t dreaming now.

 

The person outside my door was, from what I had seen with two human eyes, supposed to be dead.

 

Hi. I said, since I couldn’t form any other words at the moment.

 

“Hi.” Rachel replied.

* * *

I liked flying, especially in the mountains. The area around my cabin was great for flying, or maybe that was just my bias. I had built the cabin in a good location for taking a breather so maybe that’s why I now had a love of the area. It was a point where I could just relax.

 

Looking to my left I saw Rachel in her Bald eagle morph. To me that had always been her true form. A form where she was deadly without having to worry about being mistaken for just another pretty face. And, before she died, that had made me happy. Hell, it made me proud to have her as a bird beside me.

 

We had been silent for thirty minutes since I didn’t know if I should ask the questions I felt I needed to. We hadn’t been totally silent as we had made comments like “I forgot how fun this was” and “I missed you” every now and again.

  

Rachel, I said, finally deciding to break the silence. What was it like? Dying, I mean.

 

I saw Rachel take a dive and then pull out of it at the last second. She was stalling. I didn’t blame her, it was a very personal question. I didn’t want her to think that I thought she was a trap or that I didn’t want her. I just had to know what my first love had gone through and how I could help.

 

It was strange. She finally replied. At first it was confusing and I felt like I was doing something wrong. But then...I just accepted it because it was right.

 

What do you mean it felt wrong?

 

I didn’t think it was right that I had to die right as we were winning. I didn’t think it was right that I was abandoning you.

 

I couldn’t imagine being so close to victory and then dying. What if it had been me who died? Would I have felt like I was abandoning Rachel?

 

Yes, I would have. More than any other member of the group, I’d feel most guilty for abandoning her. What if it had been me who, three years after the war, had shown up on her doorstep? She had taken things well all things considering. Or maybe she had spent awhile building up the courage to say hi. It wasn’t like I was paying that much attention to the outside world since Marco had become my boyfriend.

 

But those were things I could discuss with her later.

 

I don’t blame you for dying. I told her.

 

You blame Jake. Rachel said.

 

I took a dive and rose back up, using the falling sensation to snap me back into reality. I didn’t need to start ranting to her about her cousin. A cousin she would have to see sometime. I didn’t mind letting her decide when she wanted to see Jake. It wasn’t like I was eager at the thought of seeing him again.

 

My security system thought your DNA had been forged. I said, switching topics to save the calm atmosphere. I guess it couldn’t understand how a dead person could come back to life. It probably couldn’t fathom how that would work.

 

I don’t know how I was brought back to life. Rachel said. At least you had Marco to watch over you until I got back.

 

Was Rachel implying that I was only with Marco because she had been dead? That as soon as she returned that I would go with her and leave him behind? Isn’t that what I should feel about him? That he was just a backup and nothing more?

 

But I loved Marco. I loved him as much as I had-I did love Rachel. I couldn’t tell him to go just because Rachel was back. That was just something I couldn’t do.

 

I love you, Rachel, I really do. I finally said. But Marco is…You were dead. I saw you die and I flew away with your ashes which are now hidden in my cabin. I couldn’t keep living in the past. I just couldn’t keep living and waiting for something that I didn’t think could happen. Three years, Rachel. It was three years before I could admit my feelings to Marco because I was scared. I was scared of being hurt again.

 

The silence that followed felt worse than death. Was Rachel angry? Would she attack me or, worse, leave me? Had I just messed up the best thing about the war? Would we now be like Jake and Cassie? Both of us wanting to get with each other and yet not feeling it would work out?

 

I love you, Rachel. I said again, hoping that she would reply.

 

But she didn’t reply. She was just silent and I felt something between awkward and ashamed.

* * *


One of the things that being a hawk had taken away from me was the want to sit in a movie theater. It was no place for a hawk and if I saw a movie while in human morph...the movie’s running time had to be under two hours. At least that was the way before the war ended. After the war I could go anywhere I wanted to as a hawk. Marco was one of the few people that didn’t mind that I tended to stay in hawk morph after the war unless an activity, sexual or not, needed me to have a human body.

So the fact that I was now in a movie theater was something out of the norm. Every now and again a person would stare at me, point, and whisper ‘Tobias’. Rachel kept stroking me to keep me calm. She knew that I didn’t like to be the center of attention. But if you win a secret war against an invading alien army, you have to expect attention.

 

“You could always morph,” Rachel complained. “It’s not like you have to live your life as a hawk.”

 

The movie is over two hours long. I replied just as a gunfight broke out between the good and bad guys.

 

“You could always stay over your two hour limit.”

 

I can’t just become a nothlit again.

 

“Why not?”

 

Why didn’t I just morph my regular human form and then grow old like one? Why did I continue to live life as a hawk?

 

There was no reason, really. I didn’t have to fight a war and so I guess the reason would be was that I was most comfortable as a hawk. Whatever else happened, I was a hawk. If Rachel had never returned I could have waited until Marco had reached a certain age, became trapped in my Mark Ruffalo morph, and then aged with my boyfriend.

 

Former boyfriend.

 

I guess it’s just the fear of becoming a nothlit again. I said, trying to find the flimsiest of reasons. I feel that if I become trapped that I’ll regret not being able to morph again. And I don’t think the almighty Ellimist will grant me my morphing powers back a second time.

 

“You’re a bad liar.” Rachel said, but gave me a nice little scratch on the back of my neck. “Maybe with my help you’ll find that you can live life just fine as a human.”

 

I wanted to yell at Rachel and ask why she cared. But that wouldn’t be good since I did love her. I would never stop loving her. I knew that she hated seeing me as a hawk and always wanted for me to accept the fact that I’m human. No matter what body I’m in.

 

I don’t know. I finally replied. Humans have weak eyesight and they can’t fly.

 

This got a little chuckle out of Rachel.

 

“I’m back, I promise I’ll help.” Rachel said, with a little touch of hope in her voice.

 

A lot has changed, I like being accepted for being me now. I replied.

 

“You mean Marco.” Rachel said and sighed as the predictable love interest finally fell for the hero. “You know, you’ve acted a lot sadder since I came back.”

 

I still love you.

 

“But you love Marco more. I get it, you think you’ve fallen in love again even when I returned.”

 

So you hate Marco?

 

“I like Marco, but it’s maddening when I come back and my boyfriend is with another man.”

 

I had been feeling sadder since Rachel had come back and I had seen much less of Marco. Hell, from the little amount of time I had met up with him he had had a depressing demeanor. If Rachel only allowed me chances to see him more often I’d be happier.

 

I guess she was making me stay away from Marco, in little subtle ways like seeing this movie, so I would remember how much I loved her. But I did love her. I loved her dearly, deeply, and completely. But I didn’t just want to give up on a friend who had really helped me.

 

You know you were sort of dead when I started dating Marco. I finally replied.

 

“That doesn’t mean I can’t feel disturbed.” Rachel said and sighed. “I love you, Tobias, but things have gotten a lot more confusing. I figured I’d just be back on Earth and then be with you. We could lean on each other and everything would be easy.”

 

Rachel, just because it isn’t as easy as you thought doesn’t mean it isn’t worth it. I don’t want to lose you again. I told her and she lightly kissed me on the head.

 

“You won’t.” She promised and we watched the rest of the movie in peace.

 

As the credits began to roll I jumped off the seat and landed on the floor. After a minute or two I was back in my usual human morph that wasn’t naked due to the morphing suit. I had morphed Ruffalo with Rachel before and she didn’t mind, but I didn’t want to cause a commotion today.

 

I took her hand as we left the movie theater.

 

We started chatting about the parts of the movie that we had actually paid attention to. When I let her go to use the restroom I was able to think about who I wanted to be with. I realized that I didn’t love either more than the other. I loved them both the same.

 

I put on a smile when Rachel came out and we went to do some shopping at the mall.

* * *

I could finally breathe without Rachel by me. It wasn’t that I hated her now, it’s just that we had spent so much time together recently. Even normal couples needed breathing room so that they could both live their lives. It had taken awhile to convince Rachel to let me go to the mall alone. But once I had hinted that I’d get that dress she wanted since she got back, she had let me go.

“Dude, that color? She really wants that?” Marco asked beside me as we both looked at the dress.

 

I was in my usual human morph and had invited Marco along. I needed to see him again, but it pained me to be conflicted about what to do while he was with me. How was I supposed to look at him? Was I looking at him too long? How long could my touches linger?

 

“It’s probably some high end fashion thing.” I said, grimacing at the dress. “I mean…say what you like about her, she’s very into fashion.”

 

But I didn’t know what kind of fashion this thing was. I guess the design was good but the colors were all wrong somehow. There was a nice white color to it and the blue was great too. But there was this strange orange color that was wrong. I can’t explain how, but it was just ugly. It was like the orange was covering everything else up.

 

“Well, she’s your gir-“ Marco started and then stopped.

 

“Yeah,” I said as I felt guilty also.

 

Rachel was my girlfriend again so Marco was just a friend. When I looked at him I couldn’t help but remember our short time together. If we had both been more open with each other, we would have had more time together. But we hadn’t. We had wasted our time together. Or had we?

 

“Rachel wants it so I have to get it. Sort of promised her.” I said as I checked the price tag. “I’m glad I can actually get stuff for her now. Dead rats can only get you so far with a girl.”

 

“Xena Warrior Princess accepted dead animals from you?” Marco asked. “So I guess the dress isn’t the oddest thing she’s ever liked?”

 

“Well she liked you.” I said and Marco just stared at me. “I don’t know if she was messing with me or not, but she did bring it up a few times.”

 

“Probably messing with you. So are you really going to buy it?”

 

“If I want to not sleep on the roof I am.”

 

“Then don’t and you can sleep in my bed. You seemed to like cuddling even though hawks aren’t usually into that.”

 

As I had the dress halfway off the rack I thought about putting it back. If I put it back then Marco and I could go back to doing what we had before Rachel came back. We could be lovers again and everything would be right in the world.

 

But Rachel?

 

I couldn’t leave her. I had the chance to be with her again so why was I conflicted? I would always love Marco, but I should not have trouble deciding between the two. But I was having trouble.

 

“I can’t just leave her.” I said as I walked towards the check out register. “I’m finally able to be back with her again. I’m not messing that up.”

 

“But look how sad you are.” Marco replied. “You don’t want to be with her. Don’t you get worried that she’s keeping you away from me?”

 

“She’s keeping me away from you because she’s afraid I’ll choose you over her. Once she realizes that’s not true, we’ll see each other more often.”

 

“Don’t you ever get the feeling that there’s something suspicious about her?”

 

“Coming back from the dead?” I asked and then paused the conversation as I bought the dress.

 

“Yeah,” Marco said as we walked out of the store into the mall. “People just don’t come back from that kind of thing. Why didn’t Elfangor come back and say hi?”

 

“I don’t know. Maybe the Ellimist brought her back as a sort of ‘I was a dick, please forgive me’ thing?”

 

“You really think the Ellimist is that kind of guy?”

 

“I don’t know what kind of guy he is, but maybe he’s giving me a gift in her. I did help fight against the Yeerks so maybe he’s giving me a thank you.”

 

“Besides it being totally suspicious that she got back: don’t you ever think she’s acting odd?” Marco asked and looked at my blank face before continuing. “She’s keeping you away from me which is…not really Rachel. I don’t think she’d ever do that. And she is just…odd. Has she told you how she got back?”

 

“I don’t really question her. If she doesn’t want to talk about something so personal, she doesn’t have to. It was probably really traumatizing.”

 

Marco just shook his head and I sighed.

“We’ll find out soon, okay? I promise I’ll start asking her more about it in maybe a month or two. So she has time to calm down with the whole ‘I am alive’ thing.” I finally said.

 

“Okay.” Marco said, knowing that I wouldn’t budge on the issue. “So want to head over to the food court?”

 

“If you’re going to suggest fried…” I said and then stopped myself.

 

Why not ask him about it? He wouldn’t judge and maybe he’d be happy for it. What would I lose in just asking?

 

“Marco,” I said, gathering my courage. “I love you. I never thought I’d love someone after Rachel. At least in the sense that I’d care so deeply about a person. But I also love Rachel the same as before she died. I can’t leave her.”

 

“So is this leading anywhere?” Marco asked and I could tell he was more curious than annoyed.

 

“Maybe. But I want to ask you first before I bring it up to Rachel.” I said.

* * *

 I didn’t know how I expected Rachel to react to the plan. It wasn’t something I would’ve suggested before the war ended. It wasn’t something I was totally sure of now, really. But I loved Rachel and I loved Marco. I couldn’t choose between them.

Now we were in my cabin. Rachel and Marco were next to each other on a couch while I was on a perch in front of them.

 

“A polyamorous relationship?” Rachel asked when I had finished explaining.

 

Yeah, I replied as I preened myself. So you can have me and Marco can have me. I know you talked about Marco before in a more than friendly manner so that works out for you.

 

“But…” Rachel said and shook her head. “Marco is gay.”

 

“The attention Tobias gives me will be enough.” Marco said. “Plus…I like you. I always have. You’re insane but you always had our backs right until the very end. I like you because of everything you brought to the team even though I’m not sexually interested in you. With Tobias there to pleasure me…I’m sure sex won’t be a problem.”

 

It had taken a few hours to get Marco to say anything coherent. At first it had involved him saying how Rachel wasn’t the real Rachel and demanding to find out her end goal. And when he had gotten to saying that him being gay wouldn’t be a problem, the words had become even more jumbled. What we finally had ended up with was something understandable but not sounding exactly like something Marco would usually say.

 

“How long did it take you to practice that?” Rachel asked, but she seemed to be softening up from earlier.

 

He means every word, it just took him awhile to know exactly how to express it. I said and stopped preening.

 

“Nearly got Tobias so stressed out that he almost Hulked out.” Marco said.

 

Yes, those Hulk jokes will never get old.

 

A small smile appeared on Rachel’s face. There was a glimpse at the old Rachel. The Rachel I knew was there right before me. Marco looked at her grin and I saw a hint of fear that quickly passed. I didn’t know how Rachel would react. Would she take the chance or would she put her foot down.

 

What would happen if I really had to choose between the two?

 

I waited and waited and finally her mouth started to move to make a reply.

 

“It seems he makes you happy.” Rachel finally replied. “And I want you to be happy. You’re not going to abandon me so I should get over being so worried about that. Marco is cute. Not as cute as he thinks he is, but he’s okay looking.”

 

Yeah, I said in relief. He has a very cute butt. His best feature.

 

Rachel just laughed and shook her head. Marco laughed with her. His laughs began as nervous ones but quickly turned into the real deal. I started laughing and finally felt free to look at both how I wanted to. 

 

Rachel’s blonde hair and Marco’s smile. Rachel’s breasts and Marco’s neck, both of them made such wonderful noises when they were kissed there. Now all three of us could enjoy each other at once. We could find new ways that we enjoyed being touched and we would have a much stronger support system than before.

 

“Tobias?” Rachel asked with a smirk that hinted at danger.

 

Marco seemed to pull away slightly at that smirk, but it was only for a moment.

 

“Want to join us?” She said and went to kiss Marco lightly on the forehead.

 

Marco seemed to enjoy it and he gave me a thumbs up. I jumped off my perch and landed on the ground. It wasn’t a very graceful landing because I was excited. Rachel had agreed. Marco had agreed. And now we could all be one big happy family.

 

I concentrated on my Ruffalo morph as I felt our first time together should be special. My head was the first thing to turn human as I rose up. My tail feathers seemed to be sucked into my butt as my wings shifted into arms. Feathers turned into skin and hair as my talons turned into feet.

 

The last thing to change was the feathers on my head into hair. Marco and Rachel both grinned as I finished my transformation. I was wearing my morphing outfit, but that would be discarded soon so I didn’t mind.

 

They parted enough for me to be in the middle of them. Rachel kissed me firmly on the mouth and then I turned and kissed Marco on the mouth. Things quickly turned to heavy breathing, tossed clothing, and tangled limbs.

 

We were one with each other and I was truly happy for the first time in forever.

* * *

 As I flew over the mountains I felt glad that I had some time alone. I loved Marco and Rachel, but it sometimes felt great to be alone. I had been alone when I had been human and throughout the majority of the war I had been alone. Though during the war it had been because I was living life as a hawk and the majority of my fellow Animorphs were keeping up the appearance of being normal.

I was careful, as always, of predators coming after me. A natural red-tailed hawk’s predators wouldn’t give me a free pass because I wasn’t really a hawk. But I knew these mountains and I kept track of which predators were where. I also made sure to avoid other red-tailed hawk territories.

 

Looking down I just took in the beauty. A few times Marco, Rachel, and myself had flown over this area. Marco would usually start some contest while Rachel and I would sigh before joining in. It had been wonderful being with them. However, I knew that one day we would have to talk to the others to show that Rachel was back. I didn’t want to talk to Jake, but I would for Rachel’s sake.

 

I dove down and pulled up just before I would’ve crashed into the trees. I reveled in the simple pleasure of flying. It was a gift I would always have no matter what else happened. But it wasn’t like I would have any more battles to fight, so why should I be hanging onto it so deeply now?

 

When I reached a good height I felt darkness. I looked around to look for any rain clouds and saw nothing. What was I feeling? Was it simply the fact that I couldn’t understand how things could ever be truly peaceful that was getting to me?

 

It must be, but there was a coldness that was starting to run through my body. It was going from wingtip to wingtip and I felt fear. It was just my mind and it couldn’t make me stop flying. I started flapping harder to prove to myself that my body wasn’t affected. It was just my mind.

 

You can’t harm me! I yelled to the coldness.

 

Then the coldness turned to a fire and I screamed. It took a minute to calm myself down enough to look for a good landing area. I spotted a good area in the distance where Marco and myself had once rested before heading back to my cabin.

 

But before I could get close I felt one of the most terrifying feelings I had ever felt. It felt harder to flap my wings and that wasn’t because I was tired. I hadn’t spent too much energy on this little flight of mine so why weren’t they moving like they should?

 

As I continued to make more of an effort to flap my wings they quickly lost any ability to move. They were stuck expanded out so that I was gliding. I wasn’t naïve enough to think that I could just glide forever or until something, or someone, appeared to save me.

 

I could glide, but eventually I would crash and die. I had just gotten Rachel back and now I was going to lose the chance of living my life with her and Marco. I wanted to yell at whoever was doing this to me, but I knew that was beyond useless. Whoever, or more accurately whatever, was doing this wanted to kill me and make me feel tortured before doing so.

 

I imagined Rachel being at my funeral like I had been at hers. Rachel leaning on Marco as they both cried. Rachel shouldn’t have to cry at my funeral. But she would as now I was losing altitude.

 

Sorry, Rachel. Sorry, Marco. I said sadly as I closed my eyes to prepare for the end.

 

But then I remembered my first kiss with Rachel after the Ellimist had given me back my morphing ability. I remembered Marco throwing the ball that had saved my life. I remembered all three of us making love and then cuddling together afterwards. I needed more of those memories. I needed to not make either of them cry.

 

So my plan had to be something other than flying. Could I morph? I would only have one shot at morphing something. As I fell even further down I tried to think of a creature that could survive falling down from a great distance as I thought that morphing another creature would leave me unable to move.

 

Then it clicked and I started to morph a cockroach. I didn’t much like insect morphs, none of us did, but they had been useful for spying missions during the war. And now I had the cockroach morph as my only means of survival.

 

I morphed the cockroach and was glad when changes started happening. However, they were going slowly. I tried to keep my imminent death out of my mind as I continued to focus, though that was really hard to do. First thing that happened was I shrunk as my skin turned into exoskeleton. I was making the change to exoskeleton while the hawk features, that I could see, were still clearly visible.

 

I wanted to puke as an extra set of legs came out of my chest as my wings and talons turned into roach legs. The last thing to go was my hawk eyesight, which left me as I was still a little distance above the trees.

 

All I had to do now was wait until I crashed on the ground. It seemed longer than an eternity until I felt the ground rammed against me. I instinctively moved as a response and felt glad I was able to do so. As I demorphed I wondered what had just happened.

 

I decided that when I was back in my hawk body I would make sure that the other two were okay. Then we could talk about what had happened to me.

* * *

The silence in my cabin was the worst it had ever been. Much worse than when I had first been in it once it had been completed and it feeling like Rachel’s ghost was all around me. I had built my cabin without telling my remaining fellow former Animorphs. After it had been built there had been great silence born of my wishing Rachel was beside me.

But this silence was so much worse.

 

I was again on the perch in front of the couch where both Rachel and Marco were. Both wearing similar but different expressions of disbelief on their faces. Marco’s concern to me was far more evident than the expression on Rachel’s face. Marco controlled himself from rushing towards me by holding tightly onto Rachel’s knee, an action she didn’t like which I could tell by the expression of annoyance that quickly passed over her face.

 

“So you don’t know what did that to you?” Marco asked.

 

No, it didn’t answer back. I replied.

 

“You think that it wanted you to live? Couldn’t it have stopped you from morphing?” Marco asked.

 

“Or maybe Tobias was smarter than it was and he escaped.” Rachel replied and I truly did want to take her compliment.

 

But I couldn’t.

I think Marco is right. Whatever tried to get me let me go because it wanted me to fear it. Or something. I said. 

 

“Not to take away from your thunder,” Marco said slowly. “But I was nearly stuck in mid-morph.”

 

Rachel and I immediately focused on the boy, my near death experience entirely forgotten for the moment.

 

“I had dropped my keys in the pool again so I morphed lobster.” He said, embarrassed. “When I got the keys out of the pool I started to demorph. Thing is I couldn’t. Like Tobias’ story, the feeling started as a coldness and then turned hot. Really hot. I was stuck as a half-human half-lobster freak for around an hour before I could demorph.”

 

Rachel put an arm around Marco and I flew and landed by his side, rubbing his hip with my beak. I had nearly fallen to my death and one of my lovers had…had nearly been trapped in a much worse position than I had been in. The torture must have hit home for him as during the war he had nearly been trapped as a half-wolf half-human thing and for awhile he couldn’t morph properly. Those memories were probably now fresh in his mind again after three years.

 

“So you finally were able to demorph and that was it?” Rachel asked in a voice that sounded worried.

 

“Yeah,” Marco replied, gently scratching the back of my neck. “I don’t know how I managed to. I’m just guessing the whatever decided it would leave killing me to another day.”

 

At least it didn’t kill you by leaving you in mid-morph. I said.

 

I didn’t know how long a half-human half-lobster creature could survive. A few hours? Days? Weeks? Maybe months at most? I didn’t let these questions come out of my head as I didn’t want to scare Marco more than he already was.

 

“Did you have anything happen to you, Rachel?” Marco asked and I swore he sounded suspicious of her.

 

“I bled a lot. Nearly to death.” Rachel said and she sounded calm about it, though she also did seem a little scared at the same time. “I was taking a shower and then all of this blood started to come out of me. I ended up slipping in it and knocking myself out. I woke up and felt cold and then heat before the bleeding stopped.”

 

We just sat still and looked at Rachel. I didn’t know how she could be so calm. But she had died and maybe viewed death differently now. I know that my views on being a hawk had changed a few times. Maybe the same had happened with Rachel and death.

 

“You’re really calm, Rachel.” Marco said and his voice was full of suspicion. “No shame or embarrassment at all. Tobias was nearly shitting himself and it was hard for me to say anything.”

 

Rachel stared at him coldly. It looked like she was going to morph Grizzly Bear and rip him to shreds. Marco would not stand a chance and I didn’t know if I could protect him. But luckily enough she seemed to calm down.

 

“Why would I be in league with whatever is trying to harm you and Tobias?” Rachel asked. “I love Tobias and I care deeply for you. Why are you just throwing these accusations around for no reason?”

 

“You’ve been acting suspiciously ever since you got back.” Marco said, his rage seeming to build quickly. “You kept Tobias away from me and don’t you dare say that you were thinking he would leave you. Don’t you dare excuse those actions. You haven’t been yourself. And you know why? You’re not Rachel. You’re just something wearing her skin and using her voice. You’re not her and you never will be. I don’t trust you. The only reason I’m just yelling now is because I respect Tobias. He’s the only reason I’m deciding to give you a chance.”

 

“How dare you!” Rachel yelled and stood up quickly.

 

Her quick movement caused Marco to fall onto me and I let out a short squawk.

 

Rachel, I yelled and she stood still but ready to fight. Marco is afraid. He doesn’t mean it. He is frightened. We all are.

 

Rachel and Marco just stared at each other. Marco had recovered and was looking angrily back at Rachel. But then they calmed down enough to sit down by each other. I went to go sit between the two and they each put a hand on me, gently rubbing me.

 

I had told Rachel that I didn’t believe Marco, but some part of me did because Rachel had been acting suspiciously. But part of me didn’t want to believe she was not my Rachel since I had finally gotten her back and I didn’t want to believe that was a lie.

* * *


I was again flying even though I knew it wasn’t the smartest thing to do right now. I had been flying before and had nearly been killed while doing so. But it wasn’t as if I stopped flying that I would be safe. Marco had nearly been trapped mid-morph and Rachel had nearly bled to death. Then again, that’s why I was flying.

Flying was an escape and I needed to try and pretend I couldn’t die randomly at any given moment. Plus I still liked to eat as a hawk which meant I needed to fly a few times a day at least.

 

My stomach was full as I slowly flew back to the cabin. Rachel came into my mind and I knew now was the time to think about her. Now when if I wanted to scream and cry out in pain, no one could hear me.

 

I knew that something was up with Rachel, but I didn’t want to see it. I didn’t want to agree with Marco on that point. But Rachel had kept him and I apart when she first came back. Much more than she would before she died.

 

I had kept pushing Rachel’s odd behavior into the background because I did not want to lose her again and the thought of her not being the real Rachel was enough to destroy me. But what if she was connected to the thing that had tortured both Marco and myself? Could I keep putting off asking her until it was too late?

 

Marco might be right and now it would be better to be embarrassed about being wrong than waiting too long to ask. If I waited too long...I didn’t want to think like that. I would return to the cabin and would get Marco alone so that we could discuss about questioning Rachel.

 

I wasted more time going back to the cabin by diving and performing aerial maneuvers to impress Rachel and Marco with later. Hey, if all things went well then there would be many good years ahead of us. If it didn’t go well...I would let those thoughts into my head once I was talking to Marco.

 

Finally my cabin was in sight and I could vaguely see figures in front of it. It would take a minute or two to clearly see them. And from this distance I couldn’t contact Security to check them out. Maybe they were wild animals or my lovers in morph.

 

As I got closer I could clearly see Marco in Gorilla morph and Rachel in Grizzly bear morph. We had had a few play fights before that would sometimes look deadly, but this seemed different. Maybe it was just because I wasn’t close enough to hear their thought-speak that it was looking deadly. Maybe if I got closer then I would hear them joking around.

 

I started to flap my wings as hard as I could and when I was within thought-speak distance I still couldn’t hear them saying anything. Shit!

 

Rachel! Marco! I yelled out in the hopes that they would notice me, but they either didn’t or were too concerned with their own fight to reply.

 

Now that I was close I could clearly see all the wounds that they had caused each other.

 

As my wings continued to strain with the effort of flapping them, Rachel was able to land some devastating blows.

 

No! I yelled out as the truth that Rachel wasn’t my Rachel became clear to me.

 

Marco raised his arms to defend himself, but it wouldn’t be enough. I knew it wouldn’t be enough as the blow Rachel was about to land would kill him.

 

I didn’t know what I was thinking, but I knew I had to do something. I was close enough so I went into a steep dive and I thought I heard Marco yell out to me. As his volume increased, Rachel’s Grizzly bear paw knocked me away.

 

As I tried to keep focused through the pain, I could see that Rachel hadn’t landed her killing blow on Marco. Darkness took over me and I enjoyed the sensation. At least part of me liked the fact that I wouldn’t have to fight anymore. But a smaller, weaker side was telling me to fight.
 

  I struggled to think. I should fight to protect Marco, but this darkness was much more inviting. All that helping to protect Marco would do is have me kill Rachel. The hawk mind didn’t understand why I would want to save Marco. He wasn’t anyone to the hawk.

No, wait, Marco was my mate. Part of me tried to convince the hawk mind of that. My lover was important because he really loved me. Rachel had done the actions, but Marco acted from the heart. The hawk mind was then on the side of protecting the boy.

 

Pushing the death wanting side of my mind to the background, I focused on a morph that would help me fight Rachel’s Grizzly bear morph. My talons were the first to change and I as I rose up my skin turned green. My feathers turned green and seemed to melt into my skin.

 

As my wings barely made the change to Hork-Bajir arm, the blades sprouted out and I started to feel alive again. All the harm to my red-tailed hawk body was gone and now my body was uninjured. The final change was my two blades on my head indicating I was a female of the species. I felt them with my hands, grimacing at what would have to go down now.

 

I stood up and looked at Rachel and knew that she would kill Marco. I walked over at a quick pace and her only response was to look at me. She knew that she still had time to kill him. I would have to distract her and not give her any indication of what I had planned. I slowed down my pace to make it appear like I was barely even moving.

 

“Rachel!” I yelled out with pain lacing every syllable my mouth let out. “Why? I love you. It took three years for me to find a stable way to move on. Are you my Rachel? Or are you something else just wearing her skin?”

 

Rachel laughed through her thought-speak and it made me shiver deep inside. Rachel was bloodthirsty, but she still had had humanity in her. The thought-speak laughter that I heard now was cold and there was no trace of the girl I used to know.

 

I was born Rachel Berenson. She said as she slowly stopped laughing. When I died, Crayak rescued me. He kept me alive. Crayak, who I used to think of as the enemy, took the time to rescue me and the Ellimist would have gladly let me die. The Ellimist is supposed to be the good person, but he isn’t.

 

I noticed her getting angrier and sounding like I did when I thought of the Ellimist. The Ellimist who took any chance of a normal family away from me. It scared me how much she reminded me of myself even when it was clear that she had changed dramatically. It scared me so much that I stopped walking towards her.

 

“The Ellimist can be an asshole.” I agreed and hoped my voice didn’t waver too much. “He took away my chance to spend any real time with Elfangor. He took away Loren’s memory of my father and I stay away from her to make sure I don’t cause her any pain. He tricked me into giving me my morphing power back. But Crayak seeks to destroy before anything else. He used the Howlers to destroy entire civilizations. He used a perverted version of the Pemalites to counter the Ellimist’s efforts at peace.”

 

Rachel seemed to ponder my reply as I let the truth that she was the Rachel I had lost come fully come into my mind. She was the Rachel I had lost and yet that Rachel was dead. A single tear went down out of one of my Hork-Bajir eyes. I looked at Marco who knew any movement would attract Rachel’s attention and he would die, so he stayed as still as he could.

 

But at least Crayak is honest about his intentions. The Ellimist just tells lies to make you do what he wants. Rachel finally replied. It took me awhile but I finally realized the truth. Crayak can be cruel, but he can also be loving. When he asked that I return to torment you I said yes.

 

I wish that Rachel gave a sign that the old Rachel was still there, but she didn’t. The twinkle in her eye that I wanted to mean that she had taken the opportunity to come back to Earth to be with me for just awhile longer, but it didn’t. It meant that she was glad to torment me and prove that she could leave her past behind.

 

I wanted to see her in her Grizzly bear eyes, but I couldn’t and found myself still unable to move. It took all my control not to fall over crying. I had to stay focused for just awhile longer.

 

I was supposed to wear you down slowly, but he made me change my plans. She said, pointing a claw at Marco. He made me move quicker than I had planned and now you arrived on the scene. I would’ve been fine with including him in my torment, but he is too smart for his own good. I had planned for Crayak’s little torture of you two to throw suspicion away from me, but Marco figured it out.

 

No! No! Rachel would wake up. All the conditioning that Crayak had done to her would go away. She would become my Rachel. She had to.

 

I love you, Tobias. Marco said sadly. Pick yourself up a little more quickly than last time.

 

Before I could get my limbs to function, Marco made one last attempt to attack Rachel. As he swung his arm, I thought of how much he meant to me. How he had thrown the ball to save my life when I had tried to end it and our time together after the war. How he was there when I came back to him. He was strong in more ways than any of us had really told him.

 

And all that power, all that strength, was taken from the world as Rachel cut his throat with one paw and started gutting him with the other.

 

No! I yelled out in pain as I saw him try to appear strong as he died.

 

And then he stopped moving. Marco was gone.

 

It was at that moment I realized I would have to kill Rachel. It was either her or me. If I had not been so hesitant to attack her before, Marco would still be alive.

 

No! I yelled as I rushed toward my former girlfriend, my former angel.

 

Rachel laughed.
 

 I was a little out of practice with my Hork-Bajir morph, though I had practiced every now and again with my former lovers. One a former lover because he was now dead and the other a former lover because she had never loved me since she had returned. However I still had good enough control over the morph to get a good first hit in.

But Crayak must have enhanced Rachel because she avoided the blow easily. Old Rachel would’ve at least had her arm grazed by my blow. But New Rachel avoided it well enough to not have any of my blades get near her. I had to quickly change direction and nearly toppled over.

 

I wanted to yell at Rachel to wake up but I knew that would be far from useless. There was nothing there to wake up.

 

When I finally got my balance back I turned and rolled to avoid Rachel’s attack. She was using everything on me but was probably still playing with me. No, she was playing with me and it was useless to think that there was any humanity left in her.

 

I got up and swung my tail-blades out at her and she grunted in pain, but I couldn’t see if I had caused her any real injury. I didn’t want to cause her injury but I would have to. If only Marco were in my place, he was good at seeing from Point A to Point B. Me? I had too much heart.

 

Rachel attempted to jump on me and I rolled away and got up quickly. My arms barely blocked Rachel’s attack in time. She let out a roar and I shivered and tried to turn the block into an attack. I was pushed back into a tree and two of my ankle blades stuck into the tree.

 

“Shit.” I hissed and managed to cut off one of Rachel’s paws as she attempted to att-no, kill me.

 

She yelled and attempted to swing back at me, but I had managed to free myself and had moved. I tried to jump her from behind but she turned around and our hands locked. We seemed to perform an awkward dance as we tried to kill each other. I was holding one of her paws with one of my hands and was grabbing her stump with my other hand.

 

We both got some good hits in but then we were apart again. Both of us ready to charge at each other. I looked at her and at her pawless arm. I could do damage to her. Now to think if I could kill her while not dying. But what if I wanted to die? The two people that had stopped me before weren’t going to stop me now.

 

No. If Rachel survived then Jake, Cassie, and Ax could be in danger. How to-I raised my arms up and swung my tail in barely enough time to stop Rachel from landing a killing blow on me.

 

For a few more minutes we traded blows and I knew I was getting worn down. Sooner or later I wouldn’t have enough energy to fight and I would be killed by Rachel. My former lover would probably laugh over my corpse. She would not cry over my death liked I had cried over her.

 

It had taken me three years to get over her death, but it wouldn’t even take less than a moment for her to get over mine. She wouldn’t have to get over anything as she didn’t feel anything for me. Not anymore.

 

Think, Tobias, think.

 

Security, I told my cabin security and hoped it was within range. Play Rachel Berenson’s eulogy to Rachel Berenson only.

 

I had saved the eulogy and had passed out drunk after listening to it many times. I hadn’t liked listening to it but felt I had to. I had to suffer if my girlfriend had died. I couldn’t listen to it myself now or I’d ruin any chance I had of winning. I knew that Rachel wouldn’t feel moved by it, but I hoped her emotions would distract her long enough.

 

Rachel suddenly looked around, angered by a sound only she could hear. I took my chance and jumped onto Rachel’s back, pushing my wrist blades in as far in as they would go. She roared loudly and after a few moments she fell down.

 

“Rachel, I love you,” I said as I finally let my tears out, she would die soon. “I don’t care that you’re evil. I mean…I do care but I still love you. I can’t stop loving you. Come back to me, Rachel. Come back. We can work through this. I don’t know how but we can. We stayed together throughout the war. We can do this. Please, Rachel, please.”

 

My voice had begun to wobble near the end of my speech.

 

Rachel easily pushed me off and as I flew to land by Marco’s corpse she changed. She changed back to how she looked as a human but different. She was more muscular in the stomach area and there were steel claws coming from the end of each finger. It was like she was now Wolverine…no, X-23 I think. If Marco were alive he could tell me.

 

If he were alive…

 

Without any verbal reply, even to tell me she loathed me more than she thought possible, she raised one-

 

“No!” I yelled out as she slit her own throat while wearing a grin.

 

I watched her die for the second time and I just cried. The tears seemed endless to me. I had moved on with Marco and he had died. Rachel had come back from the dead but she had become evil and twisted. She had also died. I had lost both of them in the same day.

 

I finally got hold of myself and demorphed and all injuries from the fight went away. How I wished that they had stayed. With my hawk eyes I could see both corpses clearly. I looked at both and didn’t know which one to mourn by. Rachel had been evil at the end but I still loved her.

 

Pick yourself up a little more quickly than last time. Had been Marco’s last words to me.

 

I looked at him and then looked to Rachel. Maybe she had had the right idea, just kill myself and get it done with.

I sat there wondering what to do.