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Arya Stark
I had already been at the Twins for far too
long. For weeks Cersei Lannister had breathed and pretended she deserved
to sit on the Iron Throne. I didn't know what made a good ruler but I
knew she didn't deserve all that power. She was the reason nearly all of
my family was gone. Yet I was staying at the Twins instead of ending
her life.
At first it was the fact that maybe I did need some
time to relax and now something else had happened. Jon, my brother, had
reclaimed Winterfell from the Boltons. I could return home now. I could
return to that safety. If not finding out the news a few days ago, I
would have no excuse not to go to King's Landing.
I sat down on
the bridge between both towers and allowed myself to feel. I allowed
myself to feel that I should rush to Jon's side. He had given me Needle
shortly before he left for the Night's Watch. I chuckled at the thought
of my brother going from bastard to Lord Commander to King of the North.
Would Mother finally be proud of him?
A flock of crows flew
overhead and I followed them with my eyes. I saw that they were chasing
off an eagle. Were they doing that for fun or had the eagle threatened
them? My eyes then went back to looking at the river. It would be so
easy to return to Winterfell and reunite with my brother. It would be so
easy to give up vengeance just to be with him again.
Was I just
being a foolish girl? What was so bad about being a foolish girl that
just yearned to be with her brother? I had turned eighteen...I don't
know when. Everything had happened so fast without any real time to have
a moment to think. Now I had time.
Who was I underneath
everything? Underneath the vengeance and the loss? For so long I had
found comfort in my hurt. My hurt gave me strength to deal with the
present. It allowed me to focus on how to kill those who had murdered my
family. If not for my hurt I wouldn't have been able to train in the
House of Black and White.
But with Jon being both alive and
reclaiming Winterfell...things had changed. Now my hurt didn't need a
single minded focus on vengeance to be satisfied. All it needed was Jon.
Suddenly I became afraid of the thought of seeing him again.
I
had changed since last we saw each other. I had become a talented
assassin. Not only had I trained to kill, I had slaughtered House Frey.
Because of me a bloodline had been erased from existence. Would he think
less of me because of that? Had he changed so much that he would find
joy in the news?
I got up and started to walk. My feet didn't
know where to go and I had nowhere to be. Right before I stepped off the
bridge I took out Needle. Instead of getting off I started to practice
all the moves I had learned over the years. Like always the sound of my
sword slicing the air brought me joy.
What would it be like to
spare with Jon...that is if I went back to Winterfell. I knew it was my
duty as a Stark to return. Father would want me to rejoin the pack and
not be a lone wolf. He would probably say something about winter or the
fact I needed my siblings. Not only was Jon in Winterfell, Sansa had
also survived.
While I didn't have the strongest bond with Sansa,
she was still my sister. She was still family. That's what I was
fighting for, right? I wasn't fighting to simply kill. I was killing for
a reason. As I paused in my practice, I remembered the reason was
family. I was killing because my family had to be avenged for all the
wrongs that had been done to it.
Needle wavered as I tried to
calm myself. I could kill Cersei and abandon why I wanted to kill her.
Now that Jon was alive he could kill the ***** himself. It could be him
as King of the North that ran his sword through her. Wouldn't that be
better?
Or maybe he would send me to King's Landing to
assassinate the so called Queen of the Seven Kingdoms. So by returning
to Winterfell I would both be doing my duty as a Stark and finally be
able to finish my list. It would feel good to see Jon again and be able
to talk.
Maybe we couldn't talk as we once did, but it would be
good to hear his voice once more. It would even be good to talk with
Sansa once again. She had been dealt a bad hand and yet she had grown
stronger. If the news had been true, she had been a key player in
winning back Winterfell.
At least she was alive and could play
the part of Lady Stark. She could marry some Lord and I could do...I
don't know what. I didn't know what I wanted after avenging my family. I
didn't even know how I would fit in at Winterfell anymore.
I
sheathed Needle and looked towards Winterfell. I wanted to return home
so badly it seemed that something was calling me. I wanted to return
home because it represented safety. I also wanted to return home because
Jon and Sansa were there. I guess I also needed to go back because I
was a Stark.
"I am Arya of House Stark." I said underneath my breath. "I am the daughter of Eddard and Catelyn Stark."
As
I spoke it felt as if there was no other choice to make but to return
to Winterfell. But returning home would mean giving up on killing
Cersei. It could be that Jon would send me to assassinate her, but that
was unlikely. If he was like how I remembered him, he would want to be
honest in killing her. He would want her to be able to surrender.
* * *
It
was odd to see the servants now back as they used to be. They had had a
moment of freedom and now they were forced to play their old roles.
Though Edmure had proven himself to be a compassionate Lord unlike
Walder Frey and some servants now seemed loyal to him. Of course they
could change at a moment's notice.
"Hush," Roslin said as she rocked her child. "Everything is fine."
She
looked at me with tired eyes. At least she didn't seem to fear me
anymore, though every night she made it apparent my leaving wouldn't
bother her. After I had murdered her entire family it made sense that
she would always be suspicious of me. I understood that and didn't hold
it against her.
"Winter has come." I said.
"Does that mean you'll be returning to Winterfell?" Roslin asked.
"I
don't know. I want to as I haven't seen Jon or Sansa in so long. They
probably think I'm dead and it would be best to tell them the truth."
Conversation
stopped once the servants brought in lamb roasts for each of us. The
servant who sat my plate in front of me shivered. I wanted to reassure
her that I wasn't a senseless killer and there was a heart inside of me.
I was human with all the emotions she was familiar with. I didn't mind
the thought of Cersei being frightened of me but this servant was a
commoner that had done no great wrong.
If she had done something
wrong it couldn't hold up to the perverted things both Walder Frey and
Cersei Lannister had done. Was this the legacy I was making for myself?
Would everyone in Westeros see me only as a bloodthirsty killer?
"Jon
will be glad to know that you're alive." Edmure said. "The bastard is
now King of the North as well as head of House Stark. He'll be glad to
know that the task of rebuilding his House will be an easier job."
"Will you stand behind him?" I asked.
"Of
course. Not only because he'll tear Cersei from her throne, but because
you rescued me. If not for you then I would have died in a cell. I owe
House Stark my life."
I started to eat the lamb roast and again
felt guilty. It had been my eagerness to kill Cersei that nearly made me
forget my uncle. If not for a random encounter with other travelers I
wouldn't have returned to the Twins.
"I don't know if I'll return
home, though." I replied. "Jon is in Winterfell with Sansa beside him.
Whatever her journey has been like, she must have learned. It's entirely
possible she's a clever politician now. House Stark might not even need
me."
Even if Sansa had grown more stupid over the years, she
would still be a better Lady than me. I never cared about politics but
she had been drawn to it. She had always liked the dresses, fake smiles,
and power. I didn't care for any of that. I just wanted to have
adventures and fight. To be bound by a man seemed to be torture for me.
"You're
a Stark of Winterfell, of course they need you." Edmure said as he
drank more wine. "Once they see how skilled you are at fighting, they'll
need you even more. Rumor is that Jon wants to wage war on old
children's stories."
"The White Walkers." I replied with a nod.
I
remembered Old Nan telling stories about the feared monsters. While
they had always been scary, there was always the reassurance that things
like the White Walkers weren't real. They were just nightmares that
went away once the sun rose again. But if the rumors were true then they
were real.
It made sense as the Wall had to have been built for a
reason. Wildlings were a threat but they weren't so powerful that a
giant wall was needed. Then there was the fact that some said the Wall
was magical. Some even said that Ice dragons were bound into it which
made the Wall was something much more.
"White Walkers aren't
real." Roslin said as she took a bite of the lamb roast. "I've already
begun to tell my son those. He'll prove himself a man once he realizes I
was scaring him with simple stories."
"It would be better if they weren't real." I replied. "But if dragons are real, why couldn't White Walkers be?"
"Just because dragons are real doesn't mean every creature has to be."
"So when will you be leaving us?" Edmure asked.
I
made an excuse to be quiet by eating more of my lamb roast. I then
sipped at my wine as if considering what I would say. Truth was that I
was too nervous to answer quickly. Facing death was somehow less scary
than this. It didn't make sense as I was in no actual danger now.
"I
want to return to Winterfell but I don't know if I should." I said,
finally breaking the silence. "It feels like I have things to do before I
return to my family."
"Didn't you decide to make your list
because of your family?" Edmure asked. "Isn't all your bloodlust because
you wanted to make those who harmed your family pay?"
"So?"
"You care about your family more than you admit."
Edmure
was right. Every time I killed someone on my list the nightmares became
less frequent. Even though I'd never see Mother again, at least the man
who had ordered her execution wouldn't draw breath anymore. Even though
I'd never talk with Robb again, House Frey was now a distant memory.
"Just
because I care about my family doesn't mean I should return to
Winterfell." I said. "I could show my love for them by killing Cersei."
The
words felt hollow as they left my lips. I wanted to focus on killing
Cersei as I didn't know who I'd be once I returned home. My plan of
vengeance had been all consuming to the point that thinking of the end
was terrifying. After I finished would I find a part of me missing with
no way to repair it? Would I become a person that needed violence to
survive?
"Once the snow falls in earnest it will be a hard trek
to get to Winterfell." Roslin said. "Have you ever traveled to
Winterfell in the dead of winter?"
"No." I replied as I finished the lamb roast. "But it's nothing I can't manage."
"Traveling
in the winter isn't as easy as killing. At least I assume so. Killing
seems to take a much shorter time than going from the Twins to
Winterfell."
"It took a lot of time to avenge the Red Wedding."
"I'm
sure she meant no harm, Roslin." Edmure said and put a hand on her
shoulder. "Arya, you had to travel to get here. How much harder would it
have been if it was the dead of winter with snow thick on the ground?"
I
barely resisted crossing my arms. He had sided with his wife even
though I was in the right. Roslin must have never killed anything bigger
than a spider in her entire life. She had no idea what killing actually
was. But, then again, neither did I. I only knew what killing felt like
in the moment.
In the moment killing felt great. But what about
the distant looks ever knight had? Sansa had never seemed to notice how
different people looked after they returned from battle. Even I hadn't
thought too much of it. I mainly thought about how my hands felt empty
without a sword.
"If I go to King's Landing and kill Cersei, that will help my family." I said. "She won't harm my family ever again."
"And
after that?" Edmure argued. "Do you think that Cersei is the only
person that is going to harm your family now or in the future? A
Targaryen has crossed the seas and if she is like the rest of her blood,
your family will need you. Not only for your fighting skills, but to be
reassured that you are alive."
"Are you saying I should return to Winterfell?"
"You need to decide what is most important to you in life. Family or vengeance?"
I
wanted to argue with him but no words left my lips. He was right in
that I needed to understand what I actually wanted. For so long the
answer had been easy to me but now...now everything was so much more
difficult. What person would I be if I decided on vengeance over family?
Would I want to be that person?
* * *
I lay in my bed as the wind
howled outside. There was a fierce snowstorm tonight that forced me to
pull the covers up to my chin. A few birds could be heard calling loudly
to each other as if to reassure the flock that everything was okay.
Traveling in that weather would be hard no matter if I decided to go
north or south.
The storm made it harder to get to sleep. I had
decided to leave tomorrow which had created a storm within me. I still
didn't know if my path would take me to King's Landing or Winterfell. I
still didn't know which way I wanted to go.
My eyes started to
close and soon black turned into a confusing scene. At first everything
was covered with a thick fog before revealing a campfire. The fire was
warm though small. It was hard walking through the thick snow to get
close enough to feel its warm. It was only after I grew warm that I saw a
stranger approach.
The man was familiar to me but I couldn't
tell who he was. In this dream I couldn't tell how tall or old he was.
Gendry. It had to be Gendry. But why couldn't I see him? Was it because a
part of me was afraid of being with him as more than a friend?
"Gendry, I know that's you." I said weakly to the strange man.
Suddenly
I was drawn to him in a purely sexual manner. The thought of making love to
him became all consuming and I didn't know why. It wasn't like being ***** was a novel concept. I just had never felt it like in this dream.
In this dream the thought of making love to Gendry made me feel complete.
The moment we finished making love, I
was awake. I looked around and wondered why I had woken up now. I
wanted to return to that fantasy with Gendry. But what if that wasn't
Gendry? What if I had woken up because the man I would fall in love with
was someone different?
But who other than Gendry would I give my
body to? Jon was my brother and that...that wasn't something I would
ever do. Or was that why he appeared like a stranger in my dreams?
Didn't I have more important things to worry about than love?
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