To Die For You If Need Be Chapter 8: Fate

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This chapter has been edited due to content. If you want to see the unedited version GO HERE.

Jorah Mormont

"I love you, Jorah." Daenerys said with a grin.

"I love you too, Khaleesi." I replied. "I wish I could **** that well."

"You can **** well. Why do you think I chose you as king?"

Daenerys laid her head on my chest and I tried to tell myself that I would see her again. I hadn't forgotten that much about lovemaking. I knew how to pleasure women and how to leave them craving more.

"I knew you would return to me." Daenerys said. "There was never a doubt in my mind."

"What if I don't return?" I asked.

"You will return to me."

I ran a hand through her hair and tried to take everything in before I woke up. This dream was the best I ever had and it would hurt to wake up. It would hurt to be torn from the side of the woman I loved. It would hurt to face my fear of dying from greyscale. It was either death or to allow myself to become a Stone Man.

"I want to be with you." I said. "I don't want to leave this place."

"You have to so you can be with me." Daenerys replied. "Don't worry, you are more than strong enough to return to my side."

"I'm too weak to return to you."

"Then why did you go to the Citadel? Why not just pretend to seek a cure and kill yourself? Know why? Because you are strong, Ser Jorah Mormont. No matter your weaknesses, you won't give up on the ones you love. You will return to me so I won't mourn your death."

"Yes, my queen."

"I'm not a queen."

I kissed her hard on the mouth as I slowly felt the dream fade away. Her pleasant room on Dragonstone was replaced with a cell in the Citadel. I put a hand on my bed and tried to imagine Daenerys beside me. No, I wouldn't imagine her here. This was no place for a queen such as her.

After a moment of pure silence there was a knocking on the door. I quickly rushed to put my clothing on. It had been so warm that I had had to sleep naked. The Northerner in me should've been tempered by Essos. Yet since arriving at the Citadel, I had started to feel the heat stronger than before. Maybe my Northern blood was flowing thicker in my veins to give me strength in this dark time.

Or maybe I had grown sicker within these walls.

Once my door was opened I was fully dressed with a disinterested look on my face. I had never liked letting people feel they knew me. As someone raised to be a Lord, there were hard lessons that had been learned. Such as it wasn't good to let anyone know you so they couldn't use your weaknesses against you.

A maester walked in followed by a relatively young man. That must be a maester in training. The maester looked at me as if I weren't a man with feelings of my own. That made sense as someone who saw people die daily would try to distant himself from people like me.

It wasn't fair and it hurt me, but I couldn't complain. I too wore a mask to hide myself from the world. Why would I have a problem with him doing the same?

The younger man still had hope in his eyes. There was the foolishness of youth in his eyes and the way he walked. He must have decided to become a maester as he truly wanted to help the people of Westeros. Maybe he even desired to be able to help everyone in the known world. That wouldn't surprise me.

"Tarly, this is Ser Jorah Mormont." The maester said as if I had no worth except as the topic of a lecture. "He is suffering from greyscale and today's examination will reveal how far the disease has progressed. If the Targaryen succeeds in conquering Westeros and he somehow survives, he will be your king. That is why it's best to remain neutral in political situations."

"Yes, sir." Tarly replied.

He was still young enough to not think there was any wisdom to the maester's words. But in a short amount of time House Baratheon had sat on the Iron Throne before being overthrown by House Lannister and soon House Targaryen would rule Westeros. An order dedicated to knowledge would do best to remain neutral so they could continue to explore the mysteries of the universe.

Though the maesters could control Westeros if they wanted to as they were involved in the lives of royalty. What House didn't have at least one maester?

"Mormont, take off your shirt." The maester said with no empathy in his voice.

I stood up and took off my shirt as he said. Though I knew his duties were for the betterment of the Westerosi people, it felt more than demeaning. He cared nothing for me and must consider me nothing more than an interesting lesson for his young pupil. The only way I could continue living like this was to remind myself that he had his duties and that didn't include caring about me.

"The greyscale is still focused on this knight's right side." The maester said and the young man looked at me intently. "While it has spread from his arm to his upper chest, it still clings to mostly the right side."

As the young man continued to look at me I could see the empathy in his eyes. There was something he wanted to tell me but couldn't as the maester was still here. Did he want to reassure me about my fate? Did he yearn for Daenerys to sit on the Iron Throne as I did? Was there another reason?

"If it hasn't progressed too far, isn't there a way to cure it?" The young man said and I wanted to laugh.

"It doesn't matter how far the disease has progressed, as long as someone is infected their fate is sealed." The maester said. "There are exceptions, but this knight is not one of them. He is doomed to die and the Targaryen will need to seek another husband."

"I'm sorry, Jorah." The young man said.

"I knew what greyscale meant before I came here." I replied with the same level of disinterest as the maester. "I'm not afraid to die."

What I was afraid of was being shipped off to live with the Stone Men. The sight of those monsters would haunt my nightmares for the rest of my life. However long that would be. As the maester continued his examination of me, I focused on thoughts of returning to Daenerys' side.

When the maester signaled me to, I sat on my bed. He went to my desk and started writing notes down. It wasn't likely that the knowledge he gained from today would save me. It was more likely that I would die and others would be saved in the future. It was a hard fact to accept, but there was no other choice for me.

"Can you watch over him, Tarly?" The maester asked. "I need to get more ink."

"Yes." Tarly replied and the maester left the room.

The maester must truly trust this young man. It wasn't usual for a maester to leave a pupil in a danger such as this. It was entirely possible for me to attack the young man. I didn't even have to win the fight, all I'd have to do is touch him with my right hand. Once he was infected his fate would be the same as my own.

Tarly seemed like a good man that would fit in well with the maesters. He just needed to learn how to control his emotions so he could look at things objectively.

"You're Jorah Mormont?" The young man asked.

"I am." I replied curtly. "And you are?"

What did he know about me? Did he know that I sold people into slavery for a wife whose love for me had faded? Did he know that I fled into exile instead of facing justice? Did he know I had spied on the woman I loved for those that wanted her dead? Would he understand how I was a different man than before?

"Son of Jeor Mormont?" Tarly asked.

"The same." I replied and raised an eyebrow.

"I'm Samwell Tarly. I served under your father."

Suddenly I was very interested in Sam. He must have taken the black and so served as a member of the Night's Watch. I had become Lord of Bear Island and fled into exile all while my father was serving the Night's Watch. Not only had I disgraced my father, I had done so after he trusted me.

I was nothing like my father. He was an honorable man and I only thought of justice when it suited me. Why else flee into exile? Why else spy on an innocent woman who now wanted me to be her king?

"He was a good man." I said with more gentleness than before. "I should have been a better son."

"I think he would be proud of the man you've become." Sam replied.

"If he were alive now, I would understand never gaining his forgiveness."

Why did it hurt so much that I could never gain my father's forgiveness? Maybe coming home as Daenerys' king could have begun to repair our relationship. He might have seen my accomplishments as signs that I should be forgiven.

"Maybe he wouldn't forgive you, but I don't feel good about letting his son die." Sam said. "He was a good man and it feels wrong to let his blood die."

"Lyanna, my cousin, will carry on the family name." I replied. "She will make sure that House Mormont will be respected long into the future. At such a young age she is able to make grown men tremble. I can die knowing she is head of my House."

Sam was about to sit next to me before recognizing his mistake. No matter how pitiable my situation, with one touch I could kill him. If I had wanted I could have gone into King's Landing and doomed the Lannister with a single touch. But that one touch could have infected an entire city of innocents. What would Daenerys think of me after that?

"We should have found a cure by now." Sam said. "Someone should have figured something out."

"Greyscale is not an easy mystery to solve." I reassured him. "But with how hard the maesters have observed this disease, a cure will be created in the future. The man to discover the cure could be you."

"I would rather you not have to die for me to find a cure."

I resisted saying anything until my thoughts were collected. It surprised me that he was so adamant that I not die. I wasn't the most honorable man and yet he wanted to save me. He wanted to save me even if my death would provide a cure to the cursed disease. Sam was a good man that didn't need to stain his honor with my sins.

"Everything comes with a cost." I finally said. "I don't expect the cure for greyscale to be free. There might be a cure but the maesters have ruled it too costly."

"What could be too high of a cost?" Sam asked.

"I don't know."

"Whatever the price is, I'll pay it. I served under your father and I'll be ****** if I let his son die."

"Do you think I fled into exile for fun?"

"I don't care about your past, I'm going to help you now."

Sam's voice was thick with determination and fearlessness. I wondered what life he had led so close to the Wall. He didn't appear to be a fighter which was probably why he came to the Citadel. The only battles maesters fought were with ideas. Some were good with a sword but they hardly used any weapons. Why would they?

"I don't doubt your bravery, but you have to choose your battles." I told him. "Sometimes the only thing you can do is allow people to die."

"I don't have to allow you to die." Sam argued. "There has to be a way to cure you."

"Then why haven't the maesters mentioned anything about a cure to me?"

"They're scared."

Sam's voice wavered to the point I could feel the uncertainty in his words. He didn't know if there was a cure or not. All he was certain of was the fact that he wanted there to be a cure. Maybe he truly cared that I was Jeor's son or he could have seen too many men sentenced to life as a Stone Man. I could merely be the tipping point for him making a horrible decision.

"I'm not a good man, Sam." I told him. "There are many men worth saving in this world but I'm not one of them. I shamed my House and father then fled into exile. It would have been more honorable to die when my crimes were found out."

If I had died then I wouldn't be suffering from greyscale now. I would have had a normal death and shown my last act as honorable. But then I also wouldn't have met Daenerys Targaryen and found something to believe in. She had reignited in me the need to be a better man. As she had grown into a queen, I had shed my own life. Shaming my House was a high enough price to pay to serve her.

"I'm not a good man but you are." I continued. "I can see that once you become a maester you will be a boon to Westeros. Don't risk your future for me. I have done dishonorable things and I've accepted that I won't come out of this alive. All I wish for is that I can die as a human and not a monster."

Sam didn't look at all convinced. He still wanted to save me and there was a part of me that wished for him to cure me. That part of me didn't care if he died as long as I survived. It wasn't good to entertain the more shameful side of myself.

"You realize that if you try and cure me you could be kicked out of the Citadel?" I asked. "That is if you don't kill yourself in an attempt to save me. I admire your determination but you could potentially ruin your future all for my sake. That isn't a sacrifice I'm willing to make."

I could see a war in the young man's eyes. He must be determined to save me and didn't care about reality. Except if he didn't care about leaving the Citadel a different look would be in his eyes. Hopefully my short speech would inspire him to abandon me and focus on his future.

Daenerys and I would have to meet in the place after death. Whatever that might be. Though the temptation to encourage Sam to continue to look for a cure was more than tempting. I wanted to make my constant fantasies a reality with her. Didn't I deserve that after all I had sacrificed?

Just as Sam began to open his mouth, the maester entered. He looked at the young man and then me. His eyes seemed to look to the very heart of me and I barely resisted shivering. Hopefully he didn't know what Sam was planning. If he did then it might already be too late for the young man.

"I hope the novice wasn't bothering you, Ser Jorah." The maester said as he began completing his notes. "Tarly has a habit of talking when he should be silent. It's a fault that will fade away as time goes on. Young men tend to take their time on mastering restraint."

"He was restrained." I lied. "He was on the verge of saying too much until you arrived."

"I am sure."

The maester had seen the lies in my words. Hopefully he would think Sam had merely talked too much. It wouldn't do for the maester to figure out that Sam had gotten it into his head to try and cure greyscale all because he served my father. Sam's future would then be taken from him and I would have no hope. All I would have was the choice between killing myself or becoming a Stone Man.

At least I hoped so as I was a knight and should be afforded a quick death by my own hands.