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Winterfell was far behind me now. Though not nearly as distant as my humanity. Jon was riding Rhaegal and had just helped Daenerys to drive Euron Greyjoy's fleet away. According to her, the Greyjoy had been more than skilled to have evaded certain doom. She was elsewhere on the ship and I didn't care at the moment. My current desire was to jump into the sea and yet I had to stop myself. Any small swim would entail the fleet had to slow down and there was no certainty Euron wouldn't try to attack us again. Maybe when we were closer to Dragonstone.
I currently had my front paws on the railing and my hind paws on the deck. My tongue hung out of my mouth which would have embarrassed me if I were human. But I had Ghost's body and I had started, reluctantly, accepting that fact more and more. The salty scent of the air and wind blowing across my fur was more than pleasant. I had become lost in the sensations to the point I was starting to forget who I was. The sea's color didn't interest me as much as before. The colors of the world were now faded. They no longer helped me to see the beauty of the world and I no longer cared. The sky was bright blue but I no longer thought of it with awe. All that truly mattered were smells as they told a more interesting story than mere sight.
My tail wagged as I started to try to jump over. This even though I knew to jump off I would only have to run and jump. I looked around and saw others doing their duties. No one was looking at me and I had a moment. It was stupid and the human part of me was yelling. But the direwolf part didn't care. And the latter is the side that won. It was exciting going onto all fours and moving away from the side to get enough distance for a running start. It was thrilling to feel myself going into the air and then crashing into the water. My fur protected me against the cold and I let out a loud howl.
The men looked over and laughed. I didn't care as I was swimming. It was a great adventure to try and keep up with the ship. I was sure if I swam fast enough that I could easily climb up again and get everyone wet when I shook myself dry. My direwolf instincts told me not to worry but the side of me that I used to consider my whole self knew differently. I knew that no matter how fast I swam that eventually the ships would be many miles from me.
[Rope!] I yelled to Daenerys who was now looking at me.
She yelled and quickly a rope was thrown over the side. My muscles burned by the time I had it firmly in my mouth. My claws helped me grab onto the ship. The water seemed hellbent to keep me off of the ship. But I was Ser Jorah Mormont of Bear Island and wouldn't be deterred from my goal. Once I started to climb the ship it became easier. It was much different than climbing as a human, but much easier. My direwolf claws allowed me greater stability than mere hands. Though climbing like this wasn't something a direwolf was used to. It wasn't what a direwolf was made for.
Men were there to help me get onto the ship and then I shook myself dry. Before doing so had seemed like a game but now it didn't. Now I was becoming more and more myself. Now my mind could fully comprehend the shame of what I had just done. I had allowed my direwolf side to overtake me. Ghost had become me and I had become him. The longer I stayed in this form the more it would happen. Probably one day I would forget who Jorah Mormont or Bear Island were. The thought made me feel cold.
"What were you thinking?" One man asked in a fit of laughter.
I didn't want to speak to Khaleesi as there was pain in my mind. It had been happening lately that I felt at peace one moment but then rebelled against that feeling all to remember I was human. This war inside couldn't go on forever. One day I would have to choose a side of either direwolf or human. If I chose human there would always be a bit of direwolf in me. If I chose direwolf there would always be a bit of human in me. Never again could I truly be Jorah Mormont and that scared me. The only thing that would remain was my love for Khaleesi. Could she love me if I changed too much? If I became someone different than the one she fell in love with?
"He lost control for a moment." Khaleesi said coldly. "I'm sure he is combating Ghost."
I wanted to smile at her defense of me. She was in denial as much as I was. I could tell that she truly believed what she was saying to our men. She loved me to the point she would ignore any symptoms of me becoming something else. Sometimes she would wake up from nightmares and I worried that she dreamed of me losing myself to my new body. She never spoke about her dreams and I didn't want to know the truth. There was no need to confirm what she saw when she closed her eyes at nights. Though, hopefully, they weren't as bad as mine. Sometimes I dreamed that I lived as a direwolf and enjoyed it. My time as a human was long gone as I had accepted my new life. There was no Khaleesi. There was no Bear island. There was just the wilderness in front of me.
"Yes, Your Grace." The man said and bowed deeply. "I meant no insult."
Instead of answering the man, Daenerys started walking to her cabin and I followed. It was a cold thing to do and it gave the man an idea of how his queen viewed his comment. It also sent a message to the others about how they were to talk about me. While she meant well, her stance made me feel even more broken. Her stance meant that what had happened to me was a terrible disease. It was an idea I held, but one that didn't need to be reinforced. Tyrion had the better idea of treating me like any other person.
Direwolves had many things that made them a better weapon than any sword. But walking on a ship was not one of their better qualities. It was only because I had been on ships while human that walking didn't cause me any problems. It had taken me half a day to walk well on a ship in direwolf form. The difficulty had come when dealing with four legs instead of two. Every motion threw me off balance until I had figured out how to properly balance this new body.
[I am not broken.] I told Khaleesi to break the uneasy silence between us.
"You don't know if you're broken, but I do." She replied sadly. "You are not yourself and you never will be again. If you can lose yourself once, you can lose yourself again."
[I am different, not broken.]
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't be speaking to you like I am. You don't deserve to hear my pain, you have enough of your own."
I didn't tell her that I could smell the tears she was holding back. Until those thoughts invaded my telepathy, I would allow her to imagine I didn't see the cracks that were steadily growing in her. She deserved her privacy as much as any person. I always had the ability to sense what was below her surface, but with Ghost's body I was able to go much further than before. There seemed to be no layer of her that I couldn't see. Though she could still have her secrets as my heart had always blocked my mind. The same would be true in this body.
Her cabin, I couldn't think of it as ours, was guarded by a Dothraki and an Unsullied. Both didn't have any reactions to us entering the cabin. The door shut and we just looked at each other. It had become harder to talk with her as the days went on. She could still hear my telepathy clearly, it was just that we had complicated opinions on what had happened to me. Khaleesi couldn't help but believe I was broken and I was desperately trying to figure out what mindset would let me keep a sense of myself.
Khaleesi walked to me and kissed the top of my head. I could tell that she was aroused by the way she gripped my head. Her scent was also thick with the need to fuck. Knowing how badly she needed me made me feel even more pained with my situation. The woman I loved above all others needed me and I couldn't help her. In years past I would have been able to gladly fulfill the role she wanted of me. But now I was unable to take her body in the way I wanted.
"I should have ****** you sooner, Jorah." Khaleesi said with a faint smile. "If only you had been more direct with me, I would have allowed you to have your way with me."
[You wouldn't have.] I replied sadly. [You would have denied me and then brought further shame onto my name.]
"You're right. I would have. I was so naive back then. I should have made you mine before I exiled you."
[I should have been more honest about why I first met you. If I had...maybe you would have forgiven me easier.]
"You're not to blame for your exile. The blame is all mine. I was scared when I shouldn't have been."
She stiffened and I stopped going towards her. I had merely wanted to comfort her but I understood why she had stopped me. She was more than aroused and would have tried to **** me if I had gotten any closer. She would have demand I **** her no matter how demented such an idea was. I too wanted to **** her and would not have put up any resistance. We would have both been ashamed of ourselves if I had touched her just now.
I went and lay beside her bed. It pained me too much to see my love wanting me and yet neither of us being allowed to fulfill our desires. Instead of thinking again about what I wanted to do to her, I focused on the motions of the ship. It was a calm sea today and would continue to be so until we reached Dragonstone. It would be so fun to run across the beach and play in the surf. If only there were other wolves that could join me. We would have fun claiming territory in Dragonstone. No, that isn't what I wanted. What I wanted was to reach Dragonstone and for us to both be at peace with what I was. For us both to agree how to approach my situation.
"I don't know what to do." Daenerys said and sat beside me, us barely able to control ourselves. "It's one more confusing thing to deal with. It doesn't seem like anything has been easy for me since reaching Westeros. I haven't been able to defeat Cersei Lannister. Then Sansa Stark is pressing me to keep the North independent even after Jon Snow bent the knee for me. I love you and I always will. It's a curse that we love each other."
[It is a curse I am honored to bear.] I replied honestly. [But you need not suffer the consequences of it. You need not remain chaste like myself. You can spend hours forgetting about me while in the arms of another.]
"I wouldn't dare."
Khaleesi's eyes started to water at my honesty. I had resigned myself to slowly going away in Ghost's body. I had resigned myself to the fact my love had needs that I couldn't fulfill. I wanted to share her bed, but her body was no longer mine. The moment she took another would be when we were finally free of this madness. Once she was safe in the arms of another, I would be free to lose myself to my fate.
It would be hard to see her having someone else as king. Besides myself, Jon had been the man most worthy of Khaleesi. If he could contend with her ferocious nature, the ice inside of him could soothe her flames. He just needed a few more years to understand her and then they would be unstoppable when together. But now he was no longer an option and a suitable suitor for her didn't exist. Tyrion and I could find someone both worthy and trustworthy. But she would need to accept the fate that had been given to us.
"I don't need to find anyone else." My queen replied sadly. "You are the only one. I will remain queen until my death and then blood will mean nothing. Maybe it is better to break the wheel by not having a king. There will be another way to choose rulers."
[Even if it is a good political move not to marry, you are still a woman with needs.] I told her. [I've seen how much you like to get pleasure from others. You will live a hollow life if you do not find someone to share your bed.]
"I...I...no. Lovemaking is not the pinnacle of existence. I will become celibate and enjoy the other gifts of life."
[It would be too painful and you know that.]
Khaleesi shivered at what I had said. I must have been thinking of making love to her. Of how warm her cunt had felt to me. Those memories must have finally gotten too much for her that she could do nothing more but shiver. I smelled a stronger scent of arousal and felt guilty. My telepathy was another curse of my life. While trying to make her understand my point of view, I had made her hurt too much.
"No it wouldn't be." She lied. "I have survived many things others said I wouldn't. I am not as weak of a woman as you think."
[I know,] I replied gently. [But you shouldn't be asked to make certain sacrifices.]
"You're wrong, I am strong enough to become celibate. You are the one my soul calls out for when all hope is lost. No other man will share my bed."
Khaleesi got off the bed and started pacing around the cabin. This was unusual for her and I started walking beside her. In the quiet I soaked in her scent. She was a beautiful woman, though my direwolf body was thankfully not fully aroused. With how strong this creature's mind was, I doubted I could resist it if it decided on my love as a mate. Did she want that to be the case? Did she want to do anything just to feel normal again?
"It is you in that body." Khaleesi said nervously. "It is not a direwolf's mind that moves the body's limbs. It is yours. No matter what skin you wear, it will always be you underneath."
I felt nervous about her words. On the surface they sounded kind and caring. On the surface they sounded as if she were finally coming to terms with what I was now. But there was something underneath that made me feel cold. She didn't say the words out of acceptance, she said them out of denial. I wanted to speak up but knew my thoughts weren't controlled enough for her to comprehend my meaning.
"Let me **** you." Khaleesi begged. "Let me give you pleasure. It isn't wrong as it is you in there. Ghost must have gone by this point. He won't notice what we will use his body for."
[No!] I yelled.
My love fell as if a bear had hit her. She cried loudly and banged the floor with her fists. All my anger, love, and anguish had been projected into one simple word. She was breaking and there was nothing I could to stop it. Every time I spoke with her, she would feel the full weight of things unsaid. I could not save her from a prison that held the two of us. It would take much more for my morals to fade away into nothing. I wished dearly that I could forget my honor for her.
[I am sorry, Khaleesi.] I said and she pressed her face into my fur.
"It's not your fault, Jorah." She cried. "It was never your fault. You were willing to die for me and now...now you're willing to live for me. You're even willing to allow me to take another."
[I love you too much to see you in pain.]
"You're right, you going would not make me feel better. It would leave an aching in my heart. At least you're here now. Whatever happens you will always be with me."
[You will become the greatest queen the Seven Kingdoms have ever known.]
"I wouldn't be able to be a queen without your help. If only I could repay you."
[If only.]
With my help she managed to get dressed for the evening. I looked away when she changed in case my lesser nature decided to take over. To distract myself I focused on the scents around me. When she went into bed I went next to her. We couldn't fuck, but we could feel each other's heat during the night.
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