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I stretched and noticed I had strange white fur instead of my usual hair. A groan left my muzzle as I remembered what I was now. No longer would I see human arms but direwolf legs. Daenerys opened her eyes and looked at me. She wasn't fully awake yet and I wondered if she forgot what I was each morning.
"The sun is rising." Khaleesi said with a sad smile.
The sun was just beginning to rise as was the wildlife. I could hear birds starting to greet the dawn as well as the Northerners walking around Winterfell. It would take time for everyone to take in the battle against the dead. Some would have had to kill their loved ones so that Westeros survived another dawn. Many would like to be in my situation as it would give them an excuse to leave the world and run away. If not for Daenerys and my duties, I would have done so the moment I was a direwolf.
I jumped off the bed and didn't answer my love. The pain and confusion would be impossible to hide in the moment. She would be taken aback by how beautiful I found the morning to be and how it tormented me at the same time. She didn't comment on my silence and started to get dressed. I watched each motion and wished I was human.
If I had been human I would have had my arms around her and guided her back to the bed. No, none of us would have gotten out of the bed.
"Is it that painful for you?" Daenerys asked.
[Yes.] I replied and my love took a step back.
"One day we will return you to normal. You'll have your own body back."
Both of us knew that was a lie. I would forever be a direwolf and be forced to not make love to Khaleesi ever again. I would also never hold a sword in my hands. The teeth and claws of my new body were extremely powerful, but they would never hold the same grace as Heartsbane or Longclaw. There might be many battles for me in the future and all of them fought without a sword.
"How does a direwolf ****?" Daenerys asked. "You can...find release that way."
[That is bestiality, my love.] I replied. [Even if it didn't cross lines, the other wolf would not be you. It would not feel the same to me.]
"You're right, that's wrong."
A look of shame graced her face as she finished putting on her outfit. It was much different than anything she had ever worn in Essos. The outfit had white fur with patches of red as if she had been harmed yet was still fighting. Daenerys was that strong to never give up. And if she did, it would not be easy for her. She would be strong for herself, me, her friends, and the rest of Westeros. She was a queen worthy to follow.
I walked beside her as she went to the Great Hall to eat. Those walking by glanced at me and I tried to act unaffected by their attention. With my direwolf exterior, it was certain they wouldn't be able to tell how much their glances affected me. They reminded me how alone in the world I really was. There was no one else to talk to about how hard my days were. No one could understand the panic that threatened to ruin me.
Breakfast was a small meal of a bland stew. Humans could survive on that meal but myself and dragons couldn't. We needed meat. I couldn't tell if the decision had been reached by actual knowledge or pity. While Khaleesi ate out of a bowl with a spoon, my food was put on the floor. The servant bowed deeply and walked away.
I tried to eat the meat but found it slipping just enough to make it near impossible to eat. I would have preferred that form of eating as it showed others that underneath the fur I was human. However, I relented and put a paw on the meat to steady it enough so I could eat. Every meal I tried my way of eating but each attempt ended like this.
The meat didn't have the same taste as if I were human. It was different and not just because it was raw. The differences made it extremely flavorful in a different way. It felt good tearing into the meat and ripping parts of it off with my teeth. In this moment I felt satisfied as a wolf. There was no doubt in me as I consumed each piece. In a few hours this memory would make me shiver.
"I think Ser Jorah should spend the time walking around." Jon said. "He should get used to what he is now and not have to worry about duties."
[I am grateful, Jon.] I replied as I ripped more meat off.
"Jorah is grateful for the offer, Jon, and he will accept." Daenerys translated. "He is also sorry about taking Ghost from you."
"I rather you have Jorah than I Ghost." Jon answered.
There was a slight edge to his voice. It was as if he thought I were a shield to Daenerys' madness taking control. Jon was right in that there was a dangerous madness inside our queen. What he was wrong about was the madness taking over. Even though I was changed, I would still control the wilder parts of her. Jon, Sansa, and others would see that they had nothing to fear from the Targaryen. That they were all foolish children screaming about a light snowfall.
I couldn't join in the majority of the talk and so politely excused myself. Once the cold air was on my face I wondered what I should do. Today was a day to myself and could help me learn more about a direwolf's body. I didn't know where to begin. Everything I knew now made me able to function, but nothing felt natural. Should I expand on what I could do or focus on my current abilities?
"Cold day out, isn't it?" Tyrion asked as he walked up beside me. "Not that you would notice. Sometimes it feels as though Northerners were born with thick wolf belts. Or bear pelts, in your case. Direwolf now."
Part of me could admire how the Lannister was attempting to make me feel normal. That he was including me in a joke that he would make about anyone. At times, like this one, I wondered if he felt more than he let on. If the humor was his armor of hiding his true feelings to the world. I didn't blame him as he was the most hated Lannister in his family.
Unfortunately he was still grating. Though, to be honest, I was now annoyed at him merely because it had become a habit. It was a comfortable routine we had fallen into. We both had our parts to play but it didn't stop our admiration for the other. Not that I would ever say to his face that he was not half as annoying as he first appeared.
"Somehow you scowl much better as a human that a direwolf." Tyrion said as I barred my teeth. "Not that direwolves aren't frightening."
I walked away and he followed. I hated his presence but, at the same time, it was also reassuring. My body was new but his talk was familiar. Something to hang onto just like Khaleesi, but more annoying.
"I'm going to imagine if you were talking that you'd make some remark about me." Tyrion said. "Or possibly try to gag me with whatever was available."
His eyes scanned the area as if he were truly considering what I'd use to gag him. Me being in Ghost's body made no difference in what I'd say to him. Even if I were still human I would remain silent. Thus making my reaction to him even more of a reminder that I was still me. I was still Ser Jorah Mormont. Just because I had paws and a muzzle didn't mean I was lost. Though this might be my body until death, I was still me.
"Tyrion Lannister?" A woman called out. "The Targaryen requests your presence."
"Jora-" Tyrion and then stopped when I growled. "I will see you later, then."
We were friends but it was an unstated thing. It would be an embarrassment if word got out that I could stand him. Only to Daenerys would I ever admit a hint of admiration for the Imp. When I had gone north of the Wall to get a wight, he had given me a coin that showed he did care about my safety. He had also said Khaleesi needed me. Did he, like Jon, believe I was the only one keeping her from her darker side? That she had no strength of her own?
After a minute of wandering I decided where I was going to go. Maybe being in the godswood would help me figure out my new reality. A god could be listening and tell me what a person in my position should do. Yes, I needed answers. For no reason at all I ran towards my destination. It helped me calm down as I pushed my direwolf body to its limits. Even after I had run through the godswood to end up at the heart tree my breathing hadn't even become heavy and that fact made me extremely happy.
I sat in front of the hearts tree and listened in case a god spoke. I focused my attention on all the sounds, sights, and smells that were available to me. For what must have been an hour, no deity spoke to me. I couldn't leave this place without speaking to someone.
[Why am I like this?] I begged.
In my mind appeared a series of images. The Night King screaming out as he failed. A cloud of darkness with a red eye in the center of it. Bran Stark screaming in pain. Then a blinding light as all the images were burned with fire.
I nearly collapsed. The images made no sense to me. In my confusion I nearly missed the sound of someone pushing Bran to the hearts tree. Of course he would be here as he needed weirwood to access his greenseer abilities. There was silence as the servant pushed him inches away from the weirwood tree. She bowed and then left us.
"I can hear you." Bran said. "Though not as clearly as Daenerys Targaryen."
[Why haven't you spoken up before?] I asked.
"There was no need. I figured my intrusion would just cause more problems for you."
[You could have quelled my fears.]
"My answers would just bring with them more questions. You weren't ready."
Bran was being extremely talkative. It was as though he felt my hurt and wanted to help. He had also undergone a transformation that made him unlike his past self. The former Bran Stark appeared to have been destroyed by his life experiences. He was strong to still hold his head high even after all he had been through.
[I am ready now.] I told him.
Bran looked at the heart tree and was silent. I realized I needed to relieve myself and walked out of sight of the Stark. A real direwolf would not have minded peeing in front of a person, but I was still human. It would embarrass me greatly if I relieved myself in front of a person I admired.
After I was done I sat in front of Bran. His look was hard to read but it seemed like he was amused by me. He must have seen millennia of battles so someone peeing in front of him wouldn't move him in any way.
"You should be honored to have the body of a direwolf." Bran said. "They are noble creatures and do many things better than people. They look after their own and rarely abandon their children. There are so few instances of that occurring in time, it is as if they never do."
[I will say nothing against the noble direwolf,] I replied. [But I prefer my own body.]
"But why? You were weaker as a human. You must have already realized how much a direwolf can endure."
Bran's reassurance did not make me feel better. I was Ser Jorah Mormont of Bear Island. I was the former Lord of Bear Island and advisor to Daenerys Targaryen. All my life I had had my body and no one else's. While he had changed over the course of his life, he could always return to his body. He could fly in the bodies of ravens and return to his life of a cripple. If I had been crippled it might be that I'd love my life more in the body of Ghost.
[I thank you for your reassurance, Bran Stark, but I belong in my own body.] I replied.
"Are you saying that because you want to be in pain?" Bran asked. "Do you feel that if you hold onto your old life then your situation will make more sense?"
His hand wasn't even on the weirwood which meant he didn't have to seek out the truth about me. He knew. It could be possible that he had gone through such debates when he was first crippled. Bran's life before must have been filled with promises of a great life where nothing could stop him. He would have learned archery and sword play. Then he fell from the tower and his world changed.
"You are stronger as a direwolf rather than your old self." Bran continued. "You are able to travel vast distances without needing to catch your breath. On your own four feet you could go thirty miles in one day. You wouldn't need to depend on horses. You have lost the ability to fight with a sword but you have gained other weapons. You have become all that the North strives to be. You should be proud, Jorah, to be in the body that best suits your spirit."
The young Stark's voice was extremely monotone. I was certain that before he had had a lively voice. That his inflections were many and he could express joy. But in the present his voice hardly offered up any sign that he was happy or sad, for instance. Yet now his voice was happier than I had ever heard it. His scent indicated he was happy and I wondered why he wasn't concerned about my predicament. Was he so far gone that he had forgotten how connected people were to their bodies? Why did that worry me?
[I am Ser Jorah Mormont.] I said as confidently as I could. [I know who and what I am. I am a human and will always be so. Even if I liked being a direwolf, there is the fact that this body does not belong to me. Ghost still exists in some distant corner. I can't take away his freedom forever. It is not right. I should have died defending Daenerys Stormborn. This life is a hell.]
"One day you won't think so." Bran replied. "You will enjoy the life you find yourself in. We can become very good friends that day."
[And before?]
"You still have to win the battles inside your head. But your journey will lead you to a life of comfort."
[You've seen it?]
"I have."
I didn't want to agree with him but it was hard to argue with him. He had been right before that my reluctance to rebel against my situation was due to comfort. I had to learn to become comfortable with my new life even if eventually Khaleesi would need to seek out the bed of another man to satiate her needs. Even as the world I knew became more distant. But wasn't that what life was? An endless journey into the unknown ending with death?
In my anguish I didn't announce my departure until leaving. I ran again and headed towards the gates. I needed to run as far as I could so I'd be too tired to mourn my life. It had become easier to act upon my direwolf instincts. A group of people had gathered and were mourning the losses of their loved ones.
A few people jumped out of my way when they could've stayed still. Their movement actually made it hard for me to navigate and I held back a growl. While Daenerys and Tyrion knew not to fear me, I didn't trust the commoners to be so calm. Their scent was so full of sorrow that I had a more intense drive to run even faster. My direwolf legs becoming nearly a blur.
After the first three miles I thought my body would start to slow down. But it didn't. As long as I kept the same steady pace it felt like I could run forever. I heard the dragons fly overhead and looked up to see Rhaegal fly low enough so he could see me. He seemed concerned and then he went up to play with Drogon.
I felt a slight bit of tiredness come over me after running many miles. It was my day and so I decided to rest before heading back to the castle. I was far enough that my ears couldn't pick up even the loudest sounds from Winterfell. No one could come to bother me. Even though I felt calm I kept alert for any danger. My new body wouldn't allow me to fully relax which made staying alert extremely easy.
For hours I stayed in the same spot until I felt rested enough to head back.
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