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"We won't see each other for awhile after this." Emilia said as she drank her coffee.
The weather in Belfast was uncomfortable as we sat outside a local cafe. It was a small place that was hidden to the majority of the world. You could pass it by numerous time before noticing its existence. Though I wondered about being careful. I was not one of the more famous actors and without her wig, Emilia was nearly invisible to the public.
"You've said that before." I said and tried vainly to keep the sadness out of my voice. "It will just become more painful the more you say it."
Already the memory of ******* her was becoming painful as reality was digging into my mind. I wouldn't be able to roll over and see her. I wouldn't be able to look forward to the morning as she wouldn't be there waiting for me. Eventually we would be filming together again. But in the meantime...in the meantime there would be a hole in my heart. And what if she decided she wanted a younger man in the meantime?
"How could it become more painful than it already is?" Emilia asked. "I...I touched myself while thinking about you the other day."
"You could have visited me." I said.
"Our schedules didn't work out that day. Besides, you wanted our relationship to be secret."
"I guess I did."
If I had only been braver about announcing to the world about how I was dating Emilia, if it wasn't just ****** we were doing, I could've helped her that day.
"Maybe I was wrong." I said softly. "Maybe-"
"Maybe you're right." Emilia replied and put her hand on mine. "You're just worried about not seeing me again. If my schedule allows it I will visit you. If you want."
"Of course I'd want that."
Taking her in my trailer had been a pitiful affair. Taking her in my bed and leaving her breathless there would be heavenly. If only her schedule allowed it, I could have a little bit more of heaven in my life.
I sipped my coffee and let the warmth go down my throat. I needed to be coherent not only for myself but for Emilia. I couldn't mess up this relationship as it felt to be the most pure of my life. If she left me could I ever find someone like her again? I was approaching my mid-fifties which didn't leave me enough time for the elusive true love everyone talked about.
Emilia removed her hand from mine when some people walked by. Their eyes looked at the two of us but none of them clamored for a picture. Either they weren't a fan of our works or they just didn't recognize us. It was good they didn't as it was hard at times to keep quiet about my job. Luckily I didn't have to deal with a social media account where it seemed keeping secrets was near impossible. The ever clever fans could tell the truth by the vaguest of clues.
"Are you sure you want to be with me, Emilia?" I asked. "I am an old man and you are young. Very young compared to me."
I waited for her reply and watched her face in the meantime. I looked for any doubt on her face. Any sign that what we had would be gone as quickly as any of my other relationships. I looked at her chest to see if her breathing increased. But there was no sign on her that would indicate she doubted what had happened. No sign that she planned to have a new man on her arm when we saw each other again.
"I've ****** younger men than you before." Emilia said shyly. "But you are better than any I've had before. If I didn't know better I would say you were very young."
"You don't see me like your father?" I asked nervously.
"No, I don't. You shouldn't be so nervous about me loving you."
It seemed like she had wanted to say something else. But saying she loved me had stopped her. While you could believe you loved someone, you couldn't say it out loud after fucking once. I pretended to be embarrassed too when what I really felt was relief. Relief that the strong emotions were shared by her. That my hopes might not be in vain.
I loved Emilia more than anyone in the past. With some women I hadn't loved them because there was no connection and other times I was able to control myself. She was different than anyone else and I didn't know why. I didn't know why my eyes and heart were drawn so intensely to her. The flame inside would be noticed by others, I was sure of that. I was sure others would be able to notice the love I felt for my co-star.
"I just hope Daenerys gets over Daario soon." Emilia said. "Michiel is hot but that relationship won't last."
"Do you want me to take you onscreen like I did the other night?" I teased with a coy smile.
"I doubt any director could properly showcase how good of a lover you are."
I wished I were the kind of man that would dare get sexual with a woman in public. But I restrained myself in case anyone grew too interested in us.
"The gang is going drinking tonight." Emilia said slowly. "If you want to join us I wouldn't mind."
"You're being coy." I replied with a smirk. "But I know you. You aren't interested if I'm going drinking, as I would anyways, you're wondering if I'll treat you like the other night. You want another go at me."
"And what would your reply be?"
To be with her was heaven. This feeling drawing me to her wouldn't let me think anything else. It would only make me want her harder than ever before. But if anyone caught us there would be talk. An older man and younger woman were only acceptable in movies, not real life. And dating one of the stars of the show would mean my life would be more highly criticized.
"I'll be careful, Iain, I promise." Emilia replied with a smile. "No one will notice what we're doing."
"I trust you." I said and wanted to kiss her.
What stopped me was a small group of people walking to the cafe. They looked at us and I could tell they were talking about me but didn't know the woman sitting next to me. They were arguing whether or not to get my autograph. I wanted to spend this morning with Emilia and so signaled her to walk away as I pretended to ignore them.
I kept to the side streets so there was less of a problem being seen. I wondered how long I would be with her. How long until she decided to move on. Was this how the other women felt when they knew I had never been in a long term relationship? I had warned them, of course, but some had always dared to hope.
* * *
"I have never seen you drink so much, Iain." Peter said with a laugh. "You must be nervous."
I had been drinking too much. I had drank one Guinness after the other. The beer felt comfortable tonight. More so than other forms of alcohol. It was the stability that would make me enjoy the night before leaving Emilia. There was no certainty that she would visit me. I was nervous and Peter had figured that out. I had to come up with an excuse.
"Just worried how the wife will react." I joked.
"You are drunk. You don't have a wife." Peter laughed loudly.
"Oh fuck! Then why am I drinking so much?"
"To Iain and his imaginary wife!"
Everyone at the table cheered. Especially Emilia and her smile was much prettier than ever before. I told her with a look that if she played her cards right she would get me for life. I wanted to be with her for as long as I was able. If she became my wife that would be a perfect ending. Though I wouldn't be the one to tell her during the second night I was certain I wanted her to marry me.
"Seriously, which one of us would you marry?" Kit asked with a chuckle.
"And could it be a guy you'd want to bang?" Peter added with a wink.
"You're very interested in his sex life, Peter, is your dark secret you want to fuck him?" Emilia teased.
"He's on the short side." I replied.
"Not on the parts that count." Peter retorted.
We laughed and the moment was perfect. I trusted that Kit and Peter would not mind me ******* my younger co-star. Though them teasing me was another matter. This cast was my family and their support was something I'd need if my relationship with Emilia went public.
"I'm glad I now know that part of you." I replied with an eye roll.
"Hey, at least I'm not Lord Friendzone." Peter teased.
"What is that? I know it's derogatory."
"It means that Daenerys likes you just as a friend. The Friendzone is where Daenerys puts guys like Jorah."
"Strange for you to bring that up when it's obvious you want to bang him." Emilia said.
"Okay, I have to give you that one."
Luckily Peter hadn't been able to tell she was doing anything but joke.
"What will you be doing while waiting for the next season?" Kit asked.
"I do have other projects." I replied. "So at least I won't be bored. I will, thankfully, have some quiet time. I like having time to be myself and not having to worry about running on a schedule. Sometimes just keeping up with the house is enough. Will you be doing anything exciting?"
"I hope not. This show is exciting enough for me."
Working on such a large production was always a tiring task. Especially when you worked on it for years. It was a task of love for me. It was aslo where I had met the first woman I had truly loved. We would work on the show and it might be that our love would grow too. Emilia's slight movements indicated that she was more than tired of waiting. Soon enough we would have time to sneak away.
"I heard you were with Emilia this morning." Liam said and sat down beside me. "Anything we should know about?"
"No, nothing to worry about." I replied with a laugh. "We just decided to hang out. She put me in the Friendzone?"
"Yeah, Friendzone."
Liam laughed loudly. He was drunk and seemed even more joyful than before. He had a pleasant demeanor when sober and became even more so when drunk. He wouldn't have a good morning, though. He was old enough that drinking took a toll. That being said, he was not the kind of man that let hangovers win. He would act as though he wasn't bothered. It was the worst acting of his life.
Some of the others decided to try some drinking games. I wasn't interested tonight as my thoughts were focused on Emilia.
I ordered another Guinness and watched my fellow actors. These moments were the parts I liked the most. The times when we had climbed a mountain and celebrated a victory as if there was nothing else. In truth there was just another mountain to climb. There would be many more years of waking up early or staying up late, depending if we'd be shooting night or day scenes.
As the show went on I was sure I would be working with more of the actors. Kit and I were sure to share scenes together. It would be interesting working with him or Peter. The latter more than the former. Peter was a very funny guy and a good actor, it would be fun being on screen with him. Maybe next season we would have a scene or two together.
"You can't leave now, Emilia!" Kit shouted. "We have so much more to do!"
"I'm exhausted." Emilia replied. "I need to call it a night. Drink a few for me, won't you?"
I waited until memory of Emilia leaving was distant. It was nerve wracking saying my good-byes and heading to the hotel where she was staying. It felts as if everyone was following me as I made my way to Emilia's door. This was the moment. This was the time. I knocked on her door and entered quickly.
I kissed her and pushed her up against the door, starting to let out all the emotions that were repressed during drinking out.
"Iain." Emilia moaned.
"Emilia." I growled.
For a moment we merely looked at each other. The next half hour was full of us letting all our emotions out. Afterwards we took a moment to look at each other and then she got off of me.
"Can you lay with me?" Emilia asked as I helped her get under the covers.
"Until you go to sleep." I replied.
She fell asleep with her head on my chest. This was the perfect ending to the day. If only every day could be like this. If only I could wake up with her next to me. If only my fear wasn't crippling me. What was there to fear? Why should I fear the opinions of others when I had the love of my life next to me?
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