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I remained as stoic as I could while they went over my body. They cleaned every wound and put salves to keep them from festering. It wouldn't do to have Khaleesi's most ardent supporter die after the Battle of Winterfell. It would also be ironic that I could be integral to winning against the dead yet be killed by something common.
Due to my ranking I was given my own private room. Many brave soldiers were put together and didn't have any privacy. Once the healers were gone I would be able to fully comprehend what had happened. All the emotions I had suppressed during the battle would be able to consume me. They would have to so I could retain my sanity. Those who couldn't learn to deal with the emotions that lingered long after a battle were not long for this world. I had seen many a man kill himself after a victory.
At least the feast would hopefully stop that from happening. It was a time for people to be rejoice about the fact we were all alive. It was a time to push away thoughts of the dead so everyone knew the meaning of living. I wondered if I would be weak enough during the feast to find a woman to ****. No matter how I loved Khaleesi, she had her own man now. I should move on from her.
"Did you really help Jon kill the Night King?" One of the women asked.
In her eyes there was wonder and I knew she wasn't able to fight. While she was an adult, she had a childlike wonder in her eyes. She was strong enough to heal the wounded, but there was a different kind of strength needed in a battle. She didn't understand why I would need a few days to process what had actually happened. I would not be cruel to her because her ignorance did not need to be reprimanded.
"I did." I answered while she continued to work on me.
"Who dealt the killing blow?" She asked. "I heard it was Jon."
"We both did."
"I guess that will make the choice easier. No matter what you did in the past, you helped kill the Night King and convinced Melisandre to destroy the dead."
"What choice?"
"Don't listen to, Lira." An older woman reassured me. "She's easily excitable."
Lira looked down but the curiosity didn't die out of her eyes. But I wasn't concerned about her. What choice? Was Jon still thinking of executing me to follow through with what Lord Eddard had tried to do in the past? Had our time meant nothing? Of course it had but as Lord of Winterfell he couldn't always do what his heart told him. Something I should have learned in the past.
"See, Lira, now you've ruined his calm." The older woman said. "Next time keep a firmer grip on your tongue."
Someone opened the door to my room and I saw Khaleesi. Her face did not show any emotion which must mean she was worried. Why wouldn't she be? I had healers around me and the battle had ended not even a few hours ago.
"We're nearly done, Your Grace." Lira said.
As the healers finished with me I looked at Khaleesi. The stress of battle had worn her down and yet she was far from crumbling. While she had been on dragonback while I had been surrounded by the dead, that didn't mean her fight had been any less strenuous. She had been one of the people to fight the Night King in the air. It had been her that had to make the hard call to burn down some of Winterfell so that the living could see daylight.
When the healers were done with me they bowed to Khaleesi and shut the door quietly behind them. In the silence we looked at each other and I wondered how she saw me. I was hardly injured yet she was devastated.
Without warning she rushed at me and embraced me in a tight hug. Tears fell from her eyes to her cheek to my bare shoulder. From her mouth came sobs of joy that I couldn't understand. Not fully, at least. After a moment I risked hugging her back and found her tightening the embrace. Finally my feelings came to the surface and I too started to cry.
If it had not been Khaleesi embracing me I would have not cried. I had learned from an early age not to show my emotions. If no one knew what I truly felt then it would be easier to rule. During my time as Lord Mormont of Bear Island people had depended on me and didn't want to see me weak. Leaders were under an obligation not to show their weakness. My queen had learned that lesson all too well as she had grown from abuse victim to deadly ruler.
Deadly enough to burn down a castle if the need called for it. Had the need called for it? My grip tightened on her as the memory of the smell of the dead came back to me. The walk out of the library and through Winterfell had been hard. So much had been lost in making sure the dead were truly defeated. Had Daenerys actually needed to burn down some of Winterfell or had she just wanted to? No, not even in the depths of madness would she destroy something just because she could. She had to have her reasons and none made sense but to make sure the living won the fight.
Or could it be that she had an excuse to let out her frustrations of being in the North? Unlike in Essos, she hadn't yet earned the Northerner's respect. The North was like it always had been, unkind to those they considered outsiders. Would that be enough reason for her to burn down Winterfell? No, it wouldn't be. Khaleesi cared for people too much to let them burn for no other reason than she was angry. Though I was sure many would not see that as clearly as I did.
"What is it, Jorah?" Khaleesi asked when she ended our embrace.
Should I tell her? She was starting to see enemies in the shadows. The game of thrones had been hard enough in Essos and now she was in the thick of it. She was having to relearn who to trust and why. Khaleesi's moral compass had always been sound and it was only a matter of time until she found herself once again. It was up to me to make her remember who she was in the darkest of times. So hiding my thoughts would only hinder her now and might make her go down a bad path in the future.
"Winterfell is an icon of the North." I said and looked her in the eyes. "Now parts of it are crumbling because of you. As a Northerner I can't help but wonder if you made the right decision."
"It was the right decision." Khaleesi replied after a moment's pause. "Winterfell might hold great importance to the North, but if parts of it weren't crumbling now we wouldn't be discussing this. You know I made the hard call. Jon, Tyrion, and the others won't know as clearly as you do."
Khaleesi hadn't known if Melisandre could help defeat the dead. If Khaleesi were certain the Red Priestess could defeat the dead Winterfell wouldn't have burned at all. I did know as she said I did. No matter how much my mind tried to betray me.
"You are right, Khaleesi." I said. "It is not my place, but is something bothering you beyond what happened this night?"
Khaleesi turned from me and started to pace around the room. We were more open to each other than ever before, but we still kept secrets from each other. That was the way people were, honest but treasuring their privacy. If she didn't want to tell me, I would allow her her privacy. Even though I wanted to do everything in my power to make her happy.
"It's about Jon." Khaleesi said and put her hands against a wall. "He is a good lover and a great friend. I am glad I decided to take him to my bed but now he has been avoiding me. Right before the battle he explained why he won't touch me anymore."
"Why?" I asked and tried to keep the excitement from my voice. "I doubt the man wouldn't have a reason for not sleeping with you."
"It's because his true name is Jaehaerys Targaryen. He's not a bastard, he's my nephew and true heir to the Iron Throne."
Jaehaerys Targaryen. Jon Snow. He was no mere bastard, but a man with a great name. Though it wouldn't surprise me if he never took his true name. It also wouldn't surprise me if he never sought the Iron Throne. Jon was a rare noble person and didn't want any power. Any power he had was pushed upon him.
"Jon may have the Targaryen name, but he is a true Northerner." I started to explain. "He was raised by Lord Eddard Stark, one of the most noble men to have ever graced Westeros. Jon hasn't learned to accept having relations with certain family members."
"How can I teach him to accept bedding me?" Khaleesi asked.
There was such determination in her voice that I almost believed she could have Jon in her bed once again. But the truth was that a noble person such as Jon couldn't be convinced to turn away from their chosen path. She could do everything in her power and he still wouldn't budge on the matter. If I had never met Khaleesi, I wouldn't mind being led by a man such as him.
"You are asking Jon to give up his honor for your sake." I replied and for a brief moment she looked ashamed. "Would you have him make you give up that which is dearest to you? The foundation that you will rule upon?"
"No, I wouldn't." Khaleesi answered. "You are right that I need to let him keep his honor. I wouldn't want him being less of what he is. But it's so hard to let him be."
"He is honoring you as much as he can. You are getting as much of his heart that he can allow himself to give up. Jon isn't leaving you with nothing."
A small smile appeared on my queen's face. I couldn't lie and say he would be with her again, but I could reassure her that he was loyal to her. That he wasn't leaving her because she was a Targaryen. That his distance from her had nothing to do with him hating her. It was little solace, but it was the most I could give and remain honest.
"I was right to keep you as my advisor." Khaleesi said with a smile. "You are honest and caring. Unlike many around me nowadays. They scheme against me."
"Not all you think are enemies intend you harm." I told her.
"If they don't intend to harm me, they punish me with their stupidity."
"You are still angry about Tyrion?"
"I still intend to take your advice, but I don't trust him as I once did."
"As is your right."
I saw a smile grace Khaleesi's face and nothing else mattered to either of us. Both of us could speak in a way beyond words. We could say so much to each other with a glance that words became obsolete. I knew that she had come to peace with Jon's actions, though she still was having trouble dealing with Tyrion Lannister. She knew that while I was momentarily confused about her actions in the Battle of Winterfell, my loyalty had not wavered an inch.
"It's hard to know people are loyal to me anymore." Khaleesi said softly. "I know the Iron Throne is mine but it sometimes feels as if Westeros is too strange of a place. As if I'm not supposed to be here. And the North is even stranger than the rest of the continent."
"You have a goal to fall asleep to." I reassured her. "After Melisandre performed her spell, I picked up Heartsbane and it burst into flame. I am Azor Ahai but the Night King is dead. I have no great goal to focus on. Only ensuring your safety which is much more important than what any deity decreed."
"And you're the one I'm most grateful to have by my side."
Khaleesi and I had traveled a troubled road to reach this point. At one point she had exiled me for a fault that was all my own. I could have been honest with her but my fear had gotten the better of me. Now our bond was stronger than anything I could have ever hoped for. If I had to endure her beauty because she considered me a friend, I would consider no honor higher.
"Why have you not sought another woman?" Khaleesi asked.
"What woman would ever compare to you?" I answered and instantly regretted the words.
I had overstepped my bounds. She would again reject me and it might make her feel even more lost. How could anyone deal with feeling alone and the only person they trusted was only true because they wanted to ****? That wasn't true for me as I would have left her long ago if I hadn't wanted something beyond sex with her. I cared for her as a person but that might not be how my words were interpreted.
Before I could stammer out an apology, her lips and arms were on me. For years I had dreamed of what her lips would feel like and the reality was better than any fantasy. Khaleesi's arms wrapped lightly around my shoulders so as to not irritate the sore spots. Her kisses promised many things that I had yearned for for so long. Another man would consider her love to be a reward, but not me. It was a gift the woman I loved had freely given me.
With great reluctance I gently pushed her away and there was confusion in her eyes. While I wanted what she now promised me, I wanted to be certain it wasn't out of loneliness she sought my bed. I would not be the reason she turned into a shadow of what she could've been.
"You know how much I want this, but is this what you want?" I asked her. "You shouldn't get with me if your heart is with someone else. You deserve to grow in love, not be drowned by it."
How could she choose me over Jon? He had a name and nobility that was beyond compare. Except to Khaleesi's own. How could she go so quickly from a young man to a man as broken as myself? Just as I wasn't deserving of the title Azor Ahai, I wasn't deserving of her. I was no noble knight and had sold men into slavery. I had turned on my honor to please the heart of a woman. Why would Khaleesi bed me?
"Jorah, this is what I want." Khaleesi said and took my hand in hers. "You have stayed by my side when other men would have left. Even when I banished you two times you came back. I know that even if the entire world turns on me, you will stay by my side. I need to know that someone will stay by my side now more than ever."
"But why bed me?" I asked her. "You know that you don't have to buy my fealty with sex. You weren't attracted to me before and you don't have to pretend to be now."
But had she actually been attracted to me or was it my imagination? I had to be seeing things that weren't there. Why would a young woman like Khaleesi ever be attracted to a man like myself? With Jon gone she still had many suitors to choose from.
"I have always been attracted to you, I've just been too frightened to say anything." Khaleesi reassured me. "I always rationalized my fear to myself to make it sound reasonable. The only time I truly couldn't see myself with you was when Drogo was still alive. Any feelings for you had to be pushed aside because I can only give my heart to one man at a time."
"And you were too heartbroken afterward to **** me." I whispered.
"When Drogo died my heart had been shattered into a million pieces. I didn't want to love someone else just to have my heart destroyed a second time. ******* you would be more than just sex, it would be love. Jorah Mormont, I love you. With you I will leave Jon Snow far behind in the past."
"I love you, too, Khaleesi."
I couldn't believe my good fortune. The only problem was that she was moving on too fast from Jon. But I couldn't let this opportunity pass me by. For so long she had been out of my reach and finally I would be able to **** her like I had dreamed of for so long. I would show her why she should've let me in sooner. I would help her heal from Jon so that her heart would be whole once more.
I tilted my head up and again Khaleesi kissed me. This moment was perfection unlike any before it. She again put her arms around my shoulders and the kisses became more frantic as time went on.
"Do you just want to kiss, my love?" Khaleesi asked.
"You know the answer." I replied. "But my body is too sore to allow anything more."
"Can you spare me your lips and hands?"
"Another time."
So for some time we kissed as if nothing else in the world existed but us.
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