This chapter has been edited due to content. I made minor edits in this chapter. If you want to see the unedited version GO HERE.
I sat down on the ground and waited for Daenerys to return from her flight. She wanted to leave now not because she wanted to end the war quickly but because she needed to do something. She needed some distraction. Her conquest wasn't going as expected and her lover was not human anymore.
It was slightly disturbing that the cold wind did not bother me. In fact I could hardly feel the cold as it desperately tried to get through my thick fur. Ghost's instincts broke through to me though that wasn't disturbing. In fact his instincts helped me interact with the world more easily.
I heard Drogon's wings before I saw him. He circled around the castle a few times before coming to land. Khaleesi's children's colors were never bright and blinding. So Drogon's colors were not changed. What was changed was the raw power I could feel from him.
"Jorah, you waited." Daenerys said with a smile on her face. "You haven't moved an inch."
[I am still learning about my new senses.] I replied. [It is easier to do when I'm not distracted.]
"You can fly with me if you want. There is nothing else to do today but wait."
[The sky is your domain, Khaleesi.]
"And you can be my king who rules my domain with me."
To be her king when she sat on the Iron Throne was a dream I had dismissed long ago. With each day it had seemed impossible she would ever want me to share her bed. But then, at a time when I had lost hope, she had decided to bed me in secret. Those times were sweet and would never happen again. She deserved to marry a man that would be able to give her everything a queen deserved.
Daenerys started walking back to the castle and I followed. My feet walked across the snow without feeling the cold. I had no boots on and yet my feet were warm. Since I was moving again there was a need to run and never stop. To see how long I could run until my body forced me to lie down. That's what I should have done while Daenerys was flying.
"I've heard you've been able to talk to someone else." She said as we walked quickly to her room.
[One or two people have been able to hear me.] I said and tried to think of what they had in common.
"Innocent people?"
[A mother and her child did. Or at least her child seemed like she heard me.]
She had heard me say 'innocent people' which must mean that was the connection. Though Daenerys was far from innocent and would appear to prove my theory wrong at first glance. She had seen the world in all its horror and had merely grown stronger. Our connection was romantic in nature, we were one soul in two bodies after all. Even when I was human we only needed a single glance to convey an entire conversation.
Two Dothraki guards stood outside her room as we entered. If I had still been human I would have taken her yet again. Her body smelled of arousal, a scent I only recognized as I had smelled it when human. She must be in so much pain right now and I was unable to help her.
"Jorah, why is it never the right time?" Daenerys said and sat on the edge of her bed. "I could have had you for years and known what your love could offer. To wake up to you and fall asleep with your hands around me. Now all of that is gone unless..."
Her eyes looked at me and I wished her desires could be granted. That I could kiss her again.
Is that what Jon felt like when he found out she was his aunt? Is this the pain that haunted him when he closed his eyes? I couldn't talk to him about my thoughts as we weren't that close. Only family would dare to ask such questions.
[I am a direwolf, Khaleesi.] I told her gently. [I want to be with you, but I can't. It is wrong to **** as a direwolf. It is perverted. I will do anything for you, but don't ask for me to destroy the heart of me.]
"I want to blame you for being like Jon, it would be easier." Khaleesi said with a tear running down her cheek. "But I can feel all your pain, love, and desire at once. I love you too much to hate you. I always have. Even at my darkest moments I have never hated you, I had to act that way to protect myself."
[I understand.]
I understood more than I wanted to. I should never have spoken to her when my emotions were full of pain. Yet I couldn't remain silent or be thought rude. Besides, there was hardly a point in life that was free of pain or despair of some kind. I used my powerful direwolf legs to jump onto the bed and lay around her. She leaned back and cried into my fur.
[It feels like I am dead.] I moaned.
"There has to be a way to get you back." Daenerys replied. "I can't have the final memories of you being a direwolf."
Her fingers went through my fur and I closed my eyes. I imagined she was running her fingers through my hair.
[You don't know how much I long to fulfill your dreams.] I said sadly. [But it isn't right to bed you like this.]
"I wish we both were cruel people now." Khaleesi said with a sad laugh. "Then there wouldn't be a problem now."
The darkness inside her started to glow and then faded. These were the fights she had constantly. I knew how dark the darkness could be inside her if she let it consume her. I was aware of the many that could die if she ever became unleashed. I was no fool. Yet the light inside her would win as she would not fall like her father or brother had. She would become a ruler everyone would follow.
"It will never be the right time for us." Daenerys moaned. "Just like it was never the right time for us before."
[You are a young woman, you have your needs.] I replied. [Khal Drogo was the first one to show you any affection. After his death your heart was broken and being with me would have been too much to ask of you.]
"You are far from undesirable, my sweet bear. You are much too attractive for an old man."
Too much of me had come out in my reply. To provide comfort to my love I shouldn't bring up my own doubts, my own faults. I was glad of Khaleesi's desire of me and the need to make love to her became greater. My form of a direwolf became even more painful. We had finally admitted our feelings for each other and now we could do nothing about them.
[I am glad you think so, Khaleesi.] I continued. [It doesn't change that your heart had just been broken for the first time. You needed to **** without being worried about commitment. You could pretend you loved Daario but that was a lie.]
"And that broke your heart." Daenerys replied. "That you weren't able to help me or **** me. You loathed him."
[More than I could ever convey. He was cocky which is the temptation of the young. The way he mocked me whenever he could because you weren't with me. My **** could stand your absence, but my heart could barely endure the mocking.]
Khaleesi kissed me lightly on the forehead and I looked into her eyes once she finished. She had just felt the burst of emotions I could not contain within myself. The ones that had overflowed. The hatred, anger, and hurt I had felt while having to interact with Daario. All the things my queen, my love, my Khaleesi should have never felt.
"I should have waited until you came back." Khaleesi said and lay back down onto me. "I thought you were dead and when you came back I should have been open about my feelings for you."
[I don't blame you.] I told her.
"But I do."
There was silence as we thought of where this conversation should go next. I focused on the intoxicating scent of her skin and the sound of the wind outside. My queen had her own guilt that she would have to save herself from. Anything I said would only make her feel guilty for a crime she had not committed. That she could never commit.
"It wasn't until I held your dying body that I realized the full weight of my mistakes." Khaleesi said. "I imagined us raising children on Bear Island. I didn't care about the Iron Throne in that moment. The only thing I cared about was you. In that moment I would've traded everything I had for a lifetime with you. I would have given the gods Drogon and Rhaegal and the Iron Throne as long as you were alive with me. I should not have hesitated for so long and embraced your love sooner. I should have been open about my affair with you."
[I saw that decision in your eyes.] I replied. [I saw that you wanted to be with me and I was leaving you. I left you just as we could finally be together.]
"There is a difference between this life and death. I would rather you be by my side and me in pain than having you dead. I love you so much, Jorah, that I can't express how much. All I have now is words and they will never be enough to explain how completely I love you."
I growled and Khaleesi didn't even flinch. She knew I would never harm her and would take her best interests to heart. She petted me as my growl died down. A growl born from not being able to act on the arousal that I now felt.
[I know you love me, Khaleesi, but I also know the needs your body has.] I said, carefully making sure not too much of my emotions came out. [If you decide to take someone else in your bed I will understand. You deserve to be loved by a man who can give you more than me.]
"Jorah, I have made my choice." Daenerys said and turned so we were lying chest to chest. "I will not betray you again. Another man could **** me, but they couldn't show the love you have through all the years."
I could hear the honesty in her voice more clearly than I ever had. The look in her eyes only showed me her deep devotion. Her scent was sad but there was not a hint of a lie. By some twist of fate she had fallen in love with me and would never leave my side ever again. This fact should have made me happy, but it only made my mood worsen. If not for her devotion to me she would have a fulfilling life. Now it was as if she were married to an impotent man.
For her sake I would find a way to get a body again. But that would mean someone would have to sacrifice their freedom. That alone made me rethink my quickly formed plan of simply using another's body as my own. Besides the matter of honor there was the fact that no one could warg a human. Once creatures reached a certain intelligence, wargs couldn't go into them. No one had managed to warg a dragon before which made people think dragons could understand more than we suspected. Or it could merely be they were infused with magic and no one had managed to find a way through their barriers.
"Could we find you a new body?" Khaleesi asked. "I am sure we can find one that is similar enough to yours. It won't be perfect but at least it will be something."
[If I now have warg abilities, I am limited by them.] I answered. [No one has been able to warg into a human.]
"And if you're more powerful than a usual warg?"
[I would still be violating someone's freedom. It would be the same as putting them into chains.]
"What if we found someone to agree?"
Choosing a person would be a delicate matter. We would have to make sure they were aware of what they would be giving up. They couldn't be convinced that Daenerys or I was a god. But if we found someone then I could make love to her once again.
It was just a dream in the end. It was a lie that we would both believe to make the long days and nights easier to bear. As my way of speaking now included my emotions, I couldn't lie to her. I couldn't temper the truth in white lies so she would feel better. The next words I spoke would break her.
[It can't happen.] I said. [I can't warg into a human.]
"Try." Khaleesi begged.
I knew what she meant. She was granting me permission to take her freedom away for a moment. I looked intensely at her and wondered how I was supposed to transfer my soul into her body. It was as if I were trying to walk with legs when they had been cut off years ago. Yet run was what I had to do.
After attempting to leave Ghost's body I found myself being able to do so. At least to a limited extent. The space outside of Ghost was dark and cold. It was colder than the far North and darker than night. It must have been because I had been dying that this uneasiness hadn't been felt.
If I was a true warg would this be more comfortable? Did wargs jump from body to body with no sense of the expanse they were traversing? I could ask Bran if I wanted to know. There was a chance that if he had greensight, he could also warg. Even if he couldn't warg himself he could look through history to find my answer.
I could now feel Daenerys' mind. She was a place of warmth that promised to be a reprieve from the cold outside. I struggled and crashed into her mind. I tried a few more times before realizing the venture was useless. Ghost and other animals would be my new bodies. I would never again be in a human body.
[It won't work.] I said and Khaleesi pressed her face deep into my fur.
"You can't be like this!" She cried loudly. "You can't have lost so much for me. You can't be damned by my love for you."
[I am by your side and that is all I need.]
But Daenerys could hear the lie. The disgust I felt at not being able to be myself ever again. I liked Ghost's body, but I preferred my own. I would always prefer my own. If only I could be strong for my Khaleesi and allow her to lean on my perceived strength. But that was no longer possible. No longer could I speak one way and allow her to not see the cracks beneath the facade.
[We had fun at the feast.] I said and was able to project happier emotions than before.
"You drank so much." Khaleesi replied with a smile. "Tormund and Tyrion placed bets on if you could drink all the wine in Winterfell. You came close."
[I forget which one of them won.]
It had been odd going to the feast as a direwolf. Yet it was also exciting at the same time. So many sounds and smells to experience. There had been moments when I had let Ghost's instincts fully take over. A few times I had eaten food that had fallen on the floor. It could have been I was growing used to my new body or it was the wine. I believed it was the latter as that made me feel I wasn't losing myself.
"We will find a way to make you you again." Khaleesi told me.
[You have to prepare for that never to happen.] I reminded her. [Sometimes you have to accept your fate as there are things you can't change. I don't like what has happened to me, but I will accept it. I will learn to live in this body.]
Acceptance and sadness were in my love's eyes. She knew there was no hope for her to be in a normal relationship with me and she would stay by my side. A part of her died in that moment and I said nothing else that night.
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