To Die For You If Need Be Chapter 22: When Wolves Cry

This is a Game of Thrones fic. All rights belong to the copyright holders.

This chapter has been edited due to content. If you want to see the unedited version GO HERE.

Daenerys Targaryen

Ghost curled up in front of our bed as the wind howled outside. Winter's clutches were close to enveloping all of Westeros. No, winter was still far enough away but in moments like these it felt so much closer. After arriving back at Dragonstone I had married Jon Snow. With our marriage, Jorah felt so much farther away than he was.

"What does it say?" Jon asked as he rubbed his eyes.

My second king had woken up when a messenger had arrived with news from Theon Greyjoy. Unlike me, he was still in our bed. Our bed. There was something wrong about calling it that. He didn't love me and I didn't love him. Ours was a political marriage that was loveless, but full of respect and kinship.

But that was the type of marriage a queen sought. He was a good man and he brought with him the loyalty of the North. Yet there was something more to how I felt about him. I just couldn't tell what those feelings meant. After I sat on the Iron Throne I would figure my feelings out.

"It's an update on Theon Greyjoy's mission to free Yara." I replied and leaned back in my seat, the flickering candlelight making it near impossible to read.

"Is he close?" Jon asked and yawned.

"From the letter it seems he is. Or at least that's what he's telling us. He could be weeks away from freeing his sister or have died in the attempt."

"You could ride Drogon and see with your own eyes if he takes too long."

"I thank you for the sympathy but this is something he has to do on his own. It might be that he's trying to prove himself to himself."

In truth I didn't care and wanted to fly Drogon to Theon's aid. But even if he would accept my help, it didn't make strategic sense to do so. The man had risked much by sending a raven to me. The bird's flight might have been enough to alert someone as clever as Euron. A dragon was sure to alert anyone close of my presence. One of my ancestors could've flown their dragons secretly but I wasn't them. I was merely the last Targaryen that held up their names for as long as I could.

"You're my queen because you have a kind heart deep inside." Jon said and I felt a twinge of sadness. "If you say we shouldn't go to his aid, I believe you."

"You're not the only one who has mentioned my kind heart." I said. "Jorah also told me that. If the gods are kind, he will tell me so again."

"He will tell you again, I promise."

"You can't be so certain."

"I want to meet the man that won your heart. You don't seem like the kind who would let just any man have her heart."

At times it felt like my kind heart was slowly dying. Some days it was hard to not lose it. Wouldn't it be better to live a life without pain no matter how many died? Khal Drogo loved a conqueror, not one who slaughtered those uninvolved. Jorah Mormont loved a strong woman, not one who turned entire continents into ash. For the men I loved I would not lose myself.

"Not after Drogo." I said.

"You didn't have much choice about him." Jon said.

"I didn't choose to marry him but I chose to love him."

I went under the covers and left the letter on the table. My eyes closed and images of Yara's corpse appeared. It seemed like a hopeless task to free Yara. Especially since it was Theon who had put the heavy task on his shoulders. He had never appeared like a fighter to me. Maybe he had been before Ramsay, but not now.

"Do you think that Theon could defeat Euron?" I asked. "You grew up with him."

"The man I grew up with is dead." Jon replied sadly. "I don't know how this new one will fair in a fight. Theon was arrogant but knew how to use a sword. He was too cocky that he couldn't ever be called a great fighter. But this new man is scared and isn't arrogant at all. It could be that all his fighting abilities are enhanced. But it could also mean everything that made him a good fighter is gone. His guilt will only get him so far."

"If he dies then it will be up to me to free her."

"Euron might be a terrifying force, but nothing can match your dragons."

"Unless he has something that can kill them."

"Just because all of Westeros tells stories about his deeds doesn't mean they're all true. He's powerful, but he is still a man."

Men could do horrible things on their own. My father had decided to burn King's Landing to the ground probably because he thought he'd become a dragon that way. Aegon the Conqueror's achievements were legendary as was the body count to make Westeros his own.

It stood to reason, then, that Euron could do something so horrific that it became legend. At least until the Night King took this land for his own. If Theon lost, the thought of Euron suffering a painful death brought me more joy than it should have.

"You're right, my dragons can destroy kingdoms if they wanted." I said. "They would have no problem killing one man and his ilk."

"Ghost would lend his support." Jon said as Ghost's ears flicked briefly. "He's no dragon but direwolves are fondly remembered for a reason."

"If we don't receive another raven from Theon, we'll know he's dead and it is our job to avenge him."

It would feel good to do something instead of just waiting. Waiting was hard but necessary to successfully sitting on the Iron Throne. I had spent too many long years getting to this point to fail now.

I looked over at Jon and wondered if I could ever love him. It didn't matter to our marriage if I ever loved him. It only mattered that our alliance was permanent and I sat on the Iron Throne. He respected me and I him. Not everything could be about love and that was fine by me. Sometimes it felt like I was disrespecting Drogo's memory by having any feelings for another man. Even if, like with Daairo, I merely ****** him. Yet even then I could feel the presence of my late husband.

Then there was the fact that Jorah's fate was still unknown. It felt as if sleeping with Jon would mean I had given up on the Mormont. I had sentenced him to death and must take full responsibility for that. It was painful but right to do so.

Jon looked up at the ceiling and I tried to see through his eyes. He was still recovering from a lost love of his own. It could be that he hadn't healed enough to take someone else. Our marriage wasn't about finding soulmates which could be why he agreed. He could have easily just bent the knee if he had wanted.

Or was he, like me, considering the possibility of finding love in each other? Did he consider it wrong or was he afraid for another reason? Why did I now want to find comfort in his arms? Why did I want to lay my head on his chest to be comforted by his heartbeat?

I shook my head to try and clear my mind. Our feelings for each other didn't matter, all that mattered was...I didn't know. I didn't know what really mattered in this moment. My loyalty to Jorah? My loyalty to Drogo? My marriage to Jon? Rescuing Yara? Helping Theon? Giving up on the Iron Throne and returning to Essos?

"Theon will die." Jon said softly under his breath. "I keep wanting to believe there is a way for him to live but...but he won't. Even if he kept the same fighting abilities from before, those won't be enough. Euron is a monster and Theon is only a man."

"Even monsters can die." I reassured him.

"Do you want to know the worst part? The worst part is that I find myself caring more for Yara's survival than his."

He looked at me with guilt thick in his eyes. It was a horrible thing to say, especially for someone like him. He was one of the most noble men in Westeros and yet he admitted not caring if a man died. A man who had been raised alongside him. A man who had rescued his only living relative. I wanted to embrace Jon to show him I cared, but that felt like going too far. He couldn't want physical affection from me.

"You are becoming a king, Jon." I reassured him. "Sometimes that means making hard decisions."

"I know what making hard decisions is like, Daenerys." Jon snapped. "But this is different. This isn't choosing what to do about Theon, it's thinking his life has no worth."

"You do care about his life. You just know Yara is more important from a political standpoint. Theon follows her orders and is respected less than her."

"I don't want to be that heartless."

"Neither do I. But that doesn't mean I have to be heartless in all things."

I took one of his hands in mine. He squeezed back and then an uneasy smile was on his face. All the fear and doubt wasn't gone, but enough was. Now he could begin to heal and think on what to do next. He could face the day since I was there.

Jon removed his hand from mine and I smiled. It was no wonder that people followed this bastard as he was different from the rest. He was more noble than me whose blood ran thick with the dragon.

"If Theon fails, then Yara will die." I mused. "Unless I decide to spare some resources for him."

"Something he won't want you to do." Jon replied. "He's making up for his mistakes from the past."

"And repaying his debt to Yara. She came to rescue him but he wouldn't leave Ramsay. He was too broken by the time she came to get him."

"I didn't know what."

"Yara told me one day. She was frustrated by him but I could still see the love she had for him. Has for him."

I remembered that day in Meereen. It had confused me why Yara still allowed Theon by her side. He seemed like an unnecessary risk. I guess that's what having a real family is like. You form tight bonds with people just because they share the same blood as you.

"Were you close to Theon?" I asked.

"I was only close with Arya." Jon replied. "Theon was...too different from me. I guess we were rivals. It made sense at the time but now that I know he can be noble, I wish things were different. He's trying to right a wrong and will die in the attempt."

"Maybe becoming Reek tempered all the other parts of him. Maybe only now can he be a friend to you."

"I would prefer him to be cruel rather than the broken man he is now. At least before there was life in his eyes."

"That life is why you had to fight to reclaim Winterfell for House Stark. If he hadn't betrayed your family, Sansa wouldn't have been raped night after night."

Jon nodded. I could understand the complicated feelings that were rushing through his head. Dickon Tarly was still in Dragonstone and I worried that he would never agree to side with me. The effort I had taken to save his life would be meaningless. But did I really prefer a slave to a free person as a follower? The former option made things easier but also felt like it ripped my soul apart.

"Do you have any more stories about Jorah Mormont?" Jon asked.

"Why are those the only stories you want to hear?" I replied and laughed. "I've ridden dragons and came out of the flames unburnt."

"I've only been told one side of Jorah and I feel...I don't know. Like it's special to hear how you love him."

"He's a very unique man. I can understand why you would've been told what you did. Jorah fled Westeros to save both himself and his wife. She later abandoned him. She had been a wife that he had risked everything for."

"What he's done since then is remarkable. And all that would have been lost if he had been killed."

If Jorah had been killed where would I be now? It was him who had protected me once Drogo died. It was him who had gone against the king's orders so that I lived. Jorah had saved my life time and time again. There was so much I owed the man.

"I remember his look of longing whenever his eyes met mine." I said. "It wasn't a jealous look like in other men. He wanted me but would always allow me to make the decision of who shared my bed."

"He was honorable." Jon replied. "He knew when not to make a move and accepted your choices."

"He wasn't a perfect man. To love him is to understand that. He's not perfect but he is willing to become a better man. I would rather love a broken man that can put himself together again over one who has never been tested. Being a good man means making hard choices again and again."

Jorah wasn't perfect but was a good man. I needed to be in his arms now so my heart would quit racing. Dragonstone was a much colder place without him here. I wanted news on how his greyscale had been cured. But that would mean learning of his death.

No one could survive greyscale. Could they?

"Those looks..." I mused as I desperately tried to push away tears. "There was more than one occasion I wanted to give in to my feelings. I wanted to open up to him like I had with Drogo. I wanted to give him everything my body could offer."

"But you didn't." Jon said. "Why?"

"I was a queen and he a knight. And a disgraced knight at that. If I were to earn respect and loyalty, Jorah wasn't someone I could afford."

"That wasn't the reason."

Cyber Monday deals - Up to 60% off on Echo devices

"No. No it wasn't. I wish it was as it makes me feel less guilty. Drogo was the first man that I ever loved and I killed him. I killed the man I loved! After that...after that I never wanted to hurt again. I never wanted to feel such torment ever again. Yet whenever Jorah looked at me that resolve wavered. It felt like my heart didn't mind being given to him as I trusted him so completely."

Then he had broken that trust. My heart shattered and I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if he loved me. I didn't know if I loved him. After I exiled him that first time, though, I realized how completely my heart was his.

"Jorah was always there for me. I touched his face and...I needed to kiss him. I needed to let down my guard to see how completely he could love me. He's not a young man but he's not crippled either. He tires less easily than a younger man. Daario was only a pale imitation of what I deserved."

Daario had been fun. He had been exciting. He had brought comfort when I needed it. But he was always a temporary thing. He was a pleasant distraction from my broken heart. Once I was on my way to Dragonstone, any pain I might have felt from his absence was gone.

"Jorah is more than powerful." I said with a grin. "He has more than enough experience to please a woman like myself. I have had my fun, now I want a real man."

I suddenly realized what I had been talking about and to who. Jon didn't seem to mind. Hell, he wasn't even blushing. Could that be why he wanted to hear stories about Jorah? The bastard was in love with him like me. No, not like me. He had never met my love. Once Jon and Jorah met then the pair could explore any feelings that were there.

"Good night, Jon." I said and turned my body away from his.

Not out of anger, but out of embarrassment. It was surprising how easily I opened up to my second husband. I didn't mind opening up to him, but there were things I wanted to be hidden for now. Such as my sexual fantasies about Jorah.

"Good night, Daenerys." Jon said.