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I felt like I had run a marathon. It was as if I hadn't slept in days. Yet all I had done was a speaking scene. But it was more than just any scene, it was when Emilia's character had banished mine. I shouldn't take it so personally but when in a role that was hard to remember. I felt Jorah's feelings just like they were my own. His pain had become my own in those moments.
At least I didn't have to tackle my co-star's task. She disagreed with Daenerys' actions. I could see in her eyes how much the scene had pained her. It hadn't just been her getting into character. Not at all.
"Emilia," I said as both of us took a break.
She looked at me and I could see her regaining her composure. It was so easy for me to play a man enchanted by her beauty. A man who would move heaven and Earth for her. I stood beside her and we leaned against the same wall. For a few minutes we did nothing but stand silently.
"That was a hard scene." I sad, breaking the silence.
"Iain, I am so sorry for what she did." Emilia replied. "Jorah did everything for her. He could have gone back home but he didn't. But she banished him anyways."
"You are Daenerys as much as I am Jorah. You read lines from a script and no one with any sense will blame you for her actions."
It was insane the amount of people who couldn't tell the difference between an actor and their character. Who would send hate or say mocking statements to actors because their characters had done something. Which was one reason I didn't care about getting a 'social media account'.
"Besides, I don't think many people like Jorah." I continued as I tried to cheer her up. "They'll probably be happy that you sent him away."
"They're stupid." Emilia retorted.
We both laughed at that. Her smile. Her voice. Her lips. Everything drew me to her. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. I had had many women in the past, but none had meant much to me. They had come into my life just as easily as they left. But Emilia could be different if...if I wasn't imagining things.
"Do you like what she did?" She asked.
"No, no I don't." I replied. "Daenerys was afraid. It probably happened in the books and so they were forced to make the scene."
"Like they haven't changed things in the past."
Game of Thrones was an adaptation and so there were differences. Characters had most likely been changed. Plots had most likely been given to different characters. Some events had most likely been dropped. So David and Daniel could have changed Jorah's fate. By doing so there wouldn't be tears about to form from Emilia's eyes.
"Maybe there will be a bright future for Jorah and Daenerys." I said. "Romances always have the couple breaking up and then getting back together."
"Like they would ever allow our characters to get together." Emilia said and a fate blush appeared on her cheeks.
"The show hasn't always gone the way I expected it to."
A poor excuse of a statement. Part of the show's charm hinged on it not going as you expected it to. The hero of Ned Stark died in the first seasons. Heroes made mistakes and not even villains were without sympathy. Deviating from the script to allow Jorah and Daenerys to remain together wasn't what fans expected. The scene was heartbreaking and a long time in the coming. This was the kind of surprise fans would want. That they would feel empty without. Gaining the nickname "Lord Friendzone" seemed to imply many did not want Jorah to get with Daenerys. All I could hope for was that Martin had made sure David and Daniel would write Jorah and Daenerys in a romantic relationship.
"Jorah will be away for Daenerys." Emilia said sadly. "At least for awhile."
"You'll be free of me." I teased.
"I don't want to. You're the one that has helped me for so long. It will be odd shooting for the day without you with me."
It would be painful for me to leave her. And yet it would also be freeing. I wouldn't be tormented by the way she looked at me. For a little while I could fool myself that these feelings would fade. That some day in the future I would never have a longing for her. But that was an idle wish.
"Daenerys is stupid." Emilia complained. "She can't see what is right in front of her. If I were her I wouldn't make the same mistake."
"What mistake?" I asked and realized we weren't talking about the show anymore.
"Jorah has been loyal to her this entire time. He's also...loyal to her."
"And she's very loyal to him."
The feelings were on the tips of our tongues, but neither of us would admit to them. At least not with words. Words, to us, weren't the most important things. We could have entire conversations while only saying a few words. In Emilia's eyes I could see desire and shyness. If someone was going to make the first move, it would have to be me. And I didn't know if I were up to the task.
"So would you have made a move on Jorah?" I asked and my voice wavered.
"I...I guess not." Emilia said as though she were ashamed.
"Why not if he is so loyal?"
"Shy. His loyalty is...is overpowering to me. If you were Jorah, would you have made a move on Daenerys?"
"I don't know if her loyalty would be right to pursue. She is so young and the last thing she needs is an old man in her bed."
"What if that's what she wants?"
Her voice begged for me to follow my desires. To lean in and claim what was offered up to me. The thought of asking her had occurred more times than I could count. In each instance I had pushed them away in case I had been misreading the signs. Men would many times see kind actions of beautiful women as invitations. I didn't want to make a mistake with Emilia.
Every time I had a rush of feelings like I did now, I would suppress it. I would never approach Emilia with my needs and instead remind myself of the truth. Of what most people would say was right and wrong. The woman before me was a mere twenty-eight years old. She was too young for me. In comparison to her young years I was an ancient man of fifty-three years old. When I had been her age, she hadn't even been conceived. My childhood was like an old black and white film to her.
But now with her looking at me with such longing, I didn't care about our ages. I had often wondered what ******* her would feel like. How it would be waking up every day seeing her next to me. How our children would grow up as we grew old. Those last two thoughts had never invaded my mind before. Was this love I was feeling?
This moment of calm could soon go away if someone walked past us. If I was again forced to play the role of mature adult. Holding me back from kissing her on the lips was fear. Fear if this intense emotion went away or if she decided one kiss was enough. For me it wouldn't be enough until I penetrated her and our bodies became entwined. The fear made me want to wait until an interruption happened and then blame it for my inaction. Would she believe that? Was this my one last chance to be with her as I so longed to be?
Before I could consciously make a decision my lips were on hers and my hands on the small of her back. At first my kisses were shy but became more aggressive when she returned my wants. I pulled her closer to me as the air became more heated and the distance too great.
The moment our lips parted I looked at her eyes. Her eyes that wanted me to do so much more than a simple kiss. I was about to kiss her again when footsteps alerted me to another's presence. While I looked away ashamed, from out of the corner of my eyes I saw Emilia's feelings hadn't diminished.
The rest of the day my mind was full of that kiss. How Emilia's body yearned for mine so fiercely and how I was helpless to my own desires. Somehow I was able to make it through the rest of the day without mistakes. It was a miracle others didn't notice the new looks I was exchanging with Emilia. How something in our friendship had deepened. I was glad no one noticed as it meant the outside world wouldn't look at me. Fans, crazy fans, could ruin an actor's career all because of rumors.
Much sooner than I expected I was in my trailer. Every day when I went here it was always peaceful. A means to relax for yet another day of filming. A time of peace and quiet that I cherished. But now...now it felt as if someone was missing. As I shut the door I realized I missed Emilia. That kiss had sparked more emotions than I had at first realized. But my feelings couldn't be fulfilled unless I walked over to her now and risked others seeing. I wanted my love, if that is what she wanted to be, to remain secret until I was sure. No need for the woman to be bombarded with questions she wasn't ready to answer. Or was I being more concerned about myself again?
I had a small dinner and then started playing my guitar. I didn't focus on the song but the motions. It was a way to distract myself from Emilia. But distracting yourself with music doesn't work. The intense emotions I felt for my co-star spurred me on to play like never before. My voice was louder and more nuanced than ever. My distraction quickly became a way to reassure myself of what I wanted. That even if we ****** only once that it would be enough. That one moment in time would suffice for a lifetime. I began to play as a means to vainly control events to bring her here.
"Iain?" Emilia said as there was a knock at my trailer's door.
I put my guitar against the wall and opened the door for her. She was beautiful in the fading light. Instead of her wig, her natural brown hair blew in the evening breeze. As my eyes went down her body I saw a bottle of wine in her hands. We both knew that if I let her in that it wouldn't just be a conversation we would be having.
"Come on in." I said and closed the door behind her.
"You should've gone out to the pub with the rest." Emilia said as she put the bottle of wine on the table.
"Why didn't you?"
I looked around vainly for something other than coffee cups. After admitting defeat I poured both of us glasses. I laughed with Emilia as it looked more than odd.
"I thought the kiss from earlier was just the beginning of something." Emilia replied.
"I hope you're right." I agreed.
We sat down on the couch and slowly drank our wine. Conversation wasn't important and was just delaying what would eventually happen. Lovemaking was a dance and an art. You didn't just start fucking, you allowed the atmosphere to collect so thickly that your libido cried out for release.
"Oops." Emilia said as some of her wine fell onto her shirt.
That started events that ended with our bodies entwined. After making love I sat breathless on my couch.
"We should have done that sooner." I said tiredly.
"I was unsure if..." Emilia replied shyly. "You're fit but-"
"I'm an old man."
She kissed me gently as an apology. We looked at each other as we comprehended letting our wild side out again. But we both agreed I needed my rest.
"You need to go." I said gently. "Others might have already heard our cries and there is no need for rumors to start."
"Are you really afraid of that?" Emilia asked as we both got dressed.
"Once others find out then we won't have any privacy. I want this and I understand the consequences of others finding out. I am just unsure if you understand what it's like to be scrutinized by the public."
"I've had other relationships, Iain."
"But you've never been in the spotlight like you are now. Every part of our relationship, no matter how long or short it ends up being, will lead to rumors both good and ill."
"But we'll be open in the future?"
"Yes, we will."
Either because we decided to let others know about our relationship or because the truth got out. Hopefully she would be by my side for a very long time in either case. I opened the door and I kissed her on the forehead. She then walked away and I felt sad she couldn't spend the night in my bed. That I couldn't see her wake up in the morning.
I closed the doors and hoped that others did find out. I hoped that rumors started to spread so my fear wouldn't be able to hold me back anymore. I wondered if Emilia planned for this relationship to go on for awhile or if she would break up with me once fans started to go crazy. I wasn't the popular Kit and so many would be mad about her choice in men.
But I wouldn't dwell on those dark thoughts tonight. Tonight I would dwell on the sweetness of my lovemaking with her.
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