Ever since John Connor had announced the
fact that he had decided to stay with Katherine and not be with me, things had
become harder for me. When I had a moment to think I would think of all that
could’ve been and how it couldn’t be now.
But whenever I focused on Resistance
business I forgot about my feelings for John, if only for a little bit. I’d
focus on not getting myself or my fellow Resistance fighters killed. I
practiced and exercised more than I needed to. However, I never pushed myself
past my limits. I didn’t want to be in a battle and be too worn down to
continue.
John still gave me private lessons and
those had become less awkward as time went on. But our glances at each other
never went away. I doubted my feelings for him could ever go away. However, I
didn’t interfere with his marriage and he would try to set me up with someone
from time to time. I would never go out with someone other than John, though,
so his attempts were useless.
I had mixed feelings about going on the
simple mission with Katherine, Barnes, and Star.
Katherine was John’s wife and was still
uneasy about John’s feelings towards me, but I still felt I had to protect her.
If she died then John would never forgive me.
Barnes and I had become closer. By closer
I mean that he kept his hate of me to a bare minimum when I was around him.
Star was the only one I didn’t have any
bad feelings towards. Kyle Reese and I had been on a mission or two together so
I had learned to trust his judgment. When I had first met him he had said he
loved Star. I trusted his opinion and was going to make sure Star came out of
her first mission safe.
I finished getting ready and headed to
the chopper. I waved at some of my comrades and they nodded back. I was glad
that they had opened up to me more. At least I didn’t get the feeling that they
would try and kill me the first chance they got.
Upon arriving to the chopper I saw my
team members. Barnes was standing close to Katherine and having a conversation
with her. This didn’t surprise me at all since he was one of John’s most loyal
soldiers. Plus he had another reason.
I controlled the grimace that tried to
come to my face as I looked at Katherine’s round belly. It was a painful
reminder of how intimate John was with her. Barnes nodded at me and Katherine
continued to ignore me.
It was then I looked at Star who was
nervous. It had always been hard to read her, almost like she was a machine
herself, but I could tell she was uneasy.
“Hey.” I said to her as I walked towards
her.
“Hi.” She replied and looked me directly
in the eyes for a second before she got too afraid and looked away.
“You fought against the machines since
you were young.” I told her. “You and Kyle managed to stay alive until you ran
into John.”
“I know I’ll survive.”
“Then why take so long to go on a mission
of your own?”
“I’ve been on guard duty. I’ve been to
every training session. Hell, I’ve helped train new recruits from time to
time.”
“But you’ve never been on a mission of
your own.”
Star looked at something that was on the
opposite side of the hanger from me. Like Barnes she had dark skin, but unlike
Barnes her hairstyle was different. It was poofy. Since I didn’t have memories
from before Judgment Day, I didn’t know what to call the hairstyle. But it was
nice.
“What’s the reason?” I asked. “I know
it’s not because you’re scared of dying.”
“I don’t want to be in charge.” Star
whispered and looked around to see if anyone else was listening. “If I do good
I’ll be told to handle people’s lives.”
“It’s not a good feeling.” I said, even
though I had only been in charge of a mission only once before this. And that
was only because my commander had died on the mission. “But if you don’t want responsibility,
it means you’re less likely to do something stupid.”
“So I guess that means giving you power
is bad.” Barnes said as he walked up behind me.
“Hey, at least I’m not you. Means I can’t
do too bad.”
Star hid a smile and I looked at my
group.
“Get in the chopper, we need to head out
quickly.” I told them.
“It’s only a scouting mission, we don’t
need to hurry.” Barnes replied.
“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean there can’t
be danger.”
With that Barnes and Star went in the
chopper and Katherine joined me in the cockpit.
I checked that the chopper was going to
work throughout the scouting mission and avoided Katherine’s gaze when I could.
It was like she was trying to kill me with a look.
“You know I had to convince John to allow
you on this mission.” I told her, trying to bring her to my side.
“John didn’t mention that to me.”
Katherine countered.
“Because I managed to convince him before
he said something to you. I told him it was only a scouting mission and that
the twins won’t be in danger.”
“How did you know I was going to have
twins?”
“John told me. He was really excited
about the news.”
“What else does he tell you?”
“Stuff I pretend to be interested in.”
“But I’m not going to give birth for a
week or two, John shouldn’t be worried.”
“Tell John that.” I said as I took off.
* * *
I felt the tension in the cockpit ease. I
knew Katherine didn’t like me, but she had to know that John trusted me. He
trusted me but wasn’t going to leave her for me.
The silence in the chopper was deafening. I didn’t much care
for Katherine, but I had no idea beforehand of the hate she harbored for me. I
could understand, although very vaguely, of why she wouldn’t like me. I was the
person that John was attracted to and had talked of leaving her for.
To distract myself from the silence I looked at the radar
and the scenery. Though the scenery really just consisted of decaying buildings
and some movements on the ground. But I couldn’t tell if the movements were
from Resistance fighters, nomads, or Skynet. It wasn’t my place to determine
that and Katherine didn’t speak.
Her silence might be her way of discrediting me later. While
that wasn’t comforting on its own, it was comforting to know that it must not
be that bad for her to hide it from me. Katherine might loathe me, but she
would never put her hatred of me above the protection of the Resistance. In
that way John had chosen a good wife.
I had let the silence go on for so long since I had failed
to get a conversation started with her earlier. If she wasn’t going to make the
effort to reply, I wasn’t going to make the effort to talk.
“So how do you keep your hair like that?” I heard Barnes ask
by way of the headsets.
“I don’t think Kyle would like you asking questions about
his girlfriend’s hair.” I joked as I needed to say something. The silence was
getting really bad.
“Is that really how you think pick-up lines work?”
“Hey, it’s not my fault if I’m a little uneducated in
certain areas.”
“Just certain areas?” Barnes replied and I could see a smile
briefly on Katherine’s face.
“What, you acting like you’re better than me?”
“I’m human.”
“Well, you’re not a very good example.” Star said dryly.
I grinned as she had just ended a silence that could’ve gone
on a long time.
“Barnes is an excellent example. John trusts him.” Katherine
said, defending the man.
“So you’ve decided to talk?” I asked Katherine.
She became silent. Smooth, Jash, very smooth.
“Well, you got one defender.” I said after the silence went
on for a few minutes.
“That’s more than you have.” Barnes tried to counter.
“I’ve got the leader of the Resistance on my side. Other
people have seemed to act kinder to me as of late.”
“But you’re never going to fu-“
“You keeping track of those movements?” Katherine asked and
I could tell that her reason for interrupting wasn’t to check on anything.
Not even Barnes could bring up my obsession with John while
she was around.
“My job is to look at the radar and your job is to look at
the ground.” I replied dryly. “Tracking movements on the ground isn’t important
in this point in time. We’re still a little bit away from the area we’re
supposed to scout. But tracking movements on the ground for now could give us
some hints for future missions.”
“You like commanding me, don’t you.” Katherine said.
“No, I’m just doing my job. Besides, dealing with you means
dealing with John later. It isn’t always the best thing when you have something
negative to say about me.”
Katherine formed a small smile on her lips and I sighed. She
liked causing me pain and I’d like to cause her some pain at this moment. But
she could get away with any jabs at me while I couldn’t. Sort of sucked to be
me at the moment.
“What are the movements on the ground like?” Star asked.
“Nothing threatening.” Katherine replied. “No movements that
would signal that they’ll be involved with our scouting mission later on.”
“That’s good.” I said and then noticed something strange on
the radar.
Skynet wasn’t human and could move ahead of what us humans
were capable of. Luckily that had proved not to be such a big advantage in the
war so humans could still have victories. One thing Skynet had done was tamper
with how radar saw their different Terminators. Depending how important a
Terminator was, such as one going to infiltrate a Resistance base would have
higher priority over one fighting in the battlefield, they could get it so that
radar would pick them up as something else.
Luckily the Resistance had a decent percentage of spotting
when this trick was being used. From the radar reading it seemed like Skynet
was trying this trick again.
“Katherine, John mention to you any other Resistance
choppers being in the area?” I asked.
“No,” Katherine said. “Wouldn’t he have mentioned something
to you?”
“We have a friendship, not a relationship. Besides,
sometimes a leader has to hide facts to get a victory.” I paused a moment.
“Star and Barnes, get prepared for some action. Shit is about to hit the fan.”
I watched where the ‘Resistance’ choppers were and turned just
as the first shot was fired.
“Get ready to shoot back!” I shouted and tried to get in a
good position for Katherine.
But she was pregnant and getting a good shot was hard. I
wasn’t going to be the one to have John lose his children. However, I still had
to make sure we all didn’t die.
I spent a few minutes just dodging and cursing the fact that
this was just supposed to be a simple mission. Katherine wasn’t supposed to be
in danger and if something happened John would kill me.
Thoughts of John killing me were cut short as Katherine was
finally able to get a shot out, but that victory was cut short when Skynet’s
HKs finally landed some hits on the chopper. Due to me having to dodge,
Katherine wasn’t able to land another hit.
Then I dodged some more, Skynet shot the chopper down, and darkness.
I opened my eyes slowly and the sight of burning wreckage
greeted me.
“Katherine!” I shouted as I looked at her.
I quickly pulled her away from the wreckage and tried not to
look at the metal that was now showing through my burnt skin.
“Star! Barnes!” I yelled, but there was no reply.
The burning smell was about as bad as
seeing the metal parts of me. I knew I was metal and that my humanity had been
tainted, but seeing proof of that was a thing unto itself. Because when I had
proof like this that I wasn’t human, but a hybrid, then I wondered who I had
been before. Was I someone that had sided with Skynet or had I been against it?
I put thoughts of the metal showing
underneath my burnt skin to the back of my mind. Right now I had to look at the
burning chopper wreckage to see if Star and Barnes were there.
“Star! Barnes!” I shouted and looked for
any movements or the slightest sounds of a cry for help.
But I heard and saw nothing.
“John...” Katherine said and I quickly
turned to her.
She wasn’t in good shape and didn’t have
the benefit of being a hybrid to help her. I knelt by her and felt her stomach.
If she survived but her twins died, then John would be distracted from the war.
He wouldn’t be in good shape if just Katherine died so I didn’t want to imagine
his reaction to his unborn children dying.
“Katherine?” I asked and tried to lift
her up.
I stopped after she groaned. Shit. How
was I supposed to get her somewhere safe? Skynet would probably be coming by
soon. Maybe I was trying to carry her the wrong way.
“You need to walk. Can you do that?” I
asked.
“John?” Katherine asked and looked at me.
“I feel like I fell or-“
“You crashed, Katherine.” I told her.
“Skynet will be coming soon and I need to get you to safety.”
“Weren’t there others?”
“Barnes and Star scouted an area ahead
and found somewhere safe. They are
waiting for us there.” I lied and figured the truth could come later. Right now
I needed her to move as quickly as she could.
As I managed to slowly help her up she
said, “John, if I die-“
“You aren’t goin-“ I started to say.
“You never wanted to accept that I could
die. I think that’s why you didn’t want to send me on missions. But if I do die
I just want you to stay away from Jash. You’re a human, John, and you deserve
the love only a human can bring. Promise me.”
“I promise.” I replied since there was no
other option. If Katherine was going to confuse me for John, I didn’t have the
time to correct her.
“And if you’re going to die, want to do
it at another location?” I asked after she didn’t move for a minute.
Katherine’s reply was to smile weakly and
I helped her walk. I didn’t know where to go since I hadn’t gotten a good
layout of the land while I was crashing. I didn’t know if I was even going in
the right direction, but I had no choice. I had to continue going forward.
It was hard work getting anywhere with
Katherine in her current condition. Besides it being a pain in the ass to move
her, she kept confusing me for John. While I didn’t mind the tidbits of gossip
I was able to get from her, some of what she said was a little more personal.
Sexual stuff was included in what she was saying. Sometimes she thought that
they were just starting their relationship and so didn’t know John’s turn-ons
and turn-offs.
While this could’ve been amusing, the fact
was that for three hours I had to go with imagining John and Katherine together
in detail.
As the fourth hour approached, I saw a
broken down building. It seemed to be crumbling but was otherwise stable. Maybe
other people had been here recently and so there would be supplies. Water and
food to last us a few days was all that we needed. I could always give
Katherine my clothes if need be.
“Katherine, we don’t have to go much
further.” I told her and her only response was to nod.
I felt her stepping a little more quickly
as she realized the walking would end shortly.
As we entered the building, I looked around
to make sure that there weren’t any surprises waiting for us. Of course if
there was a Terminator my small handgun wouldn’t do much to it. I would have to
battle the metal hand to hand and hope that hybrids were well built to fight
against other Terminators.
After two minutes nothing came out to get
us so I set Katherine by some stairs. I let her down slowly and allowed her to
choose how fast we went. After she was sitting relatively comfortably by the
stairs, I started looking around in detail.
There was some food and water that would
hold us over for the next few days. I then looked for things I could use to
make a makeshift bed for Katherine, as this building hadn’t been one for
sleeping in before Judgment Day.
As I made Katherine comfortable on the
makeshift bed, I started to fully realize a problem. I had known about the
problem before, but now things were calm and I could reflect on it.
I couldn’t tell if Katherine’s twins were
now dead or if they were going to be born like they should. I stayed up all
night with those thoughts going through my head.
The night had seemed longer than normal.
Maybe because it was the first time I was basically on my own. Or maybe it was
the fact that I was having to defend Katherine from any Terminators that
stopped by. I had looked for better weapons in the building and hadn’t found
anything useful.
All that was useful were a few items that
I used to set up an elementary alarm system. Of course the Terminators could
easily avoid it if they wanted to, but at least it was there. Maybe it was my
human side that wanted a sense of false reassurance.
Did that make me weak?
When the sun rose I didn’t feel any
safer. Hell, I felt even more like I was in a cage with Skynet able to walk in
any time that they wanted to. I held my handgun and watched over Katherine’s
sleeping form. The rise and fall of her chest which hopefully meant the twins
would be born.
As Katherine awoke I took care of her
needs even as she kept continuing to confuse me for John Connor.
“I’m not John Connor.” I finally told
her. “I’m Jash. You know, the person you hate and never want John to be with.”
“Stop trying to avoid yourself, John.”
Katherine said and reached for my hand. “I believe in you.”
I realized why John would admire this
woman. Even while she was in so much pain she still found it in her to
encourage me. Well…to encourage John. But right now we were really the same
person. I took her hand in mine and squeezed it.
“Yeah, I just don’t believe in myself.
The war is hard which is why you can’t die.” I told her and she tried to
squeeze back.
I then let go of her and started to feel
her stomach. I didn’t know what to look for. It wasn’t like Skynet was
interested in raising or killing pregnant women. Unless you counted killing
them like other people. I wanted to scream in frustration. I should be able to
do this for John, but I couldn’t.
I couldn’t tell if Katherine was still
pregnant. I should be able to. Why didn’t I try learning more about how humans
worked as much as I learned about how machines worked?
Looking down I remembered. Oh, yeah,
because then I would have to deal even more with Katherine. And dealing with
Katherine was hard.
But, as I looked at her, I realized that
dealing with her was worth all the pain and heartache. I had never really cared
when someone died. However, if she died then I would have to deal with John and
I didn’t want that. So did my caring for Katherine’s life have more to do with
John than me actually giving a shit about his wife?
Probably.
“I’m going, aren’t I?” Katherine asked
weakly.
“No, no.” I said and stepped away from
her. “You’ll live to torment me but I’m not certain about the twins.”
“I feel like I’m going. I’ve thought of
what death feels like. This is it.”
“You are not dying. Not today. Not here.”
“You’ll find someone to love you, John,
you’ll find someone to put your trust in. You’ll find another me.”
“Unlikely, you’re…you.”
“You have a lot of strength and if you
don’t find someone you can always carry on. I know it’ll be hard for you, but
you’ll be able to do it.”
“You’re not dying. Just stop talking like
you’re going to go any moment now.”
“Do you know why I decided to be with
you?”
“No.” I said, generally curious.
“Because I couldn’t stand to see you alone.”
Katherine explained. “I saw you on Judgment Day and didn’t think you could
handle things on your own. I thought that you needed to have someone to lean
on. Please prove me wrong. Prove me wrong.”
“I will.” I said and her breathing slowed
down.
Katherine really did love John Connor. It
was in no way because she felt she would have more power or anything of the
like. I didn’t expect that. I expected her to be a mean bitch. But she wasn’t.
I was lost. Everything I had thought
about her was wrong. How could I think such cruel things of her? She was a
human being. She deserved kindness and respect. Not only because she was John’s
wife, but because she was a person.
I sat down and felt weak. I had hated her
for so long that I didn’t know why I was feeling like I was losing someone I
cared about. I should be able to just carry on fine. I should be worried about
John’s reaction, of course, but I shouldn’t be frightened of her dying body so
close to me.
Slowly I stood up and made sure I was
still capable of standing. Nothing would be right once John heard the news that
his wife was dead. He would never fully recover. Would he heed Katherine’s
dying words? Would he take the chance to be with me?
I admit that I felt a little bit happy
with the thought that John Connor and myself would finally be able to be
together. I could do nothing more for Katherine, so I wouldn’t be the one to
blame once she died. John and I could finally live a life together.
Katherine started screaming loudly and I
looked over. Whatever was happening, she was not dying at this moment. It
didn’t sound like a death cry and she wouldn’t yell out now that she was so
close to death. She continued screaming and I finally knelt down beside her.
She grabbed my shoulder and I realized
what was happening: Katherine Brewster wasn’t dying, she was giving birth.
I was aware of how to take lives out of
existence, but bringing new life into the world wasn’t something I was familiar
with. I was used to dying people screaming, but I wasn’t used to helping them
give birth. I’m not a medic, though I am passable. I usually depended on
another comrade to help the injured and dying.
Hell, Katherine was the medic everyone
liked to get when they could.
I, on the other hand, was just a killer.
“Katherine!” I shouted. “Breathe in and
out!”
I should’ve replied calmer, but I was
frightened. Katherine would be alive and John would continue to be with her.
How could I tell him I had hoped that she had died?
No matter now, I had to focus on helping
her deliver.
Katherine was struggling and I had to try
and keep her still. She had injuries from the chopper crash and I didn’t want
to imagine the pain she was going through now. I thought of tying her up to
keep her still but I finally decided to ditch the idea. I didn’t want to stop
circulation and I wouldn’t be able to do it quickly enough anyways.
The last thing I wanted was for John’s
offsprings to plop onto the floor like discarded items.
“I...I...I can’t!” Katherine said, but
part of her wouldn’t quit wanting to give birth.
“Give birth first and then die.” I hissed,
but she wouldn’t stop yelling.
Dammit, this was not going to work.
Katherine would die and the twins would die and then I would have to watch John
try to not fall apart. This was not going to be a good day at all. Even if the
twins were born without being injured themselves, the fact was that I would be
in the middle of nowhere with a dying woman and two newborn children.
I didn’t know how I managed, but I helped
Katherine birth the twins. My hands were ready for both when they came out.
Neither of them were terrified of my metal poking out. I knew that they were
way too young to feel fear from seeing it, but there was always a chance that a
fear of metal was an instinct. I guess that wasn’t true.
“Can I see them?” Katherine asked me, her
voice sounding weak.
“Sure.” I replied and handed each of them
to her carefully.
“What do you want to name them, John?”
“Shouldn’t the mother decide?” I asked
her and I saw that she had fallen asleep before I could finish the question.
I looked at the twins and shook my head.
They looked like weird little aliens from Mars and yet it was my duty to take
care of them for now.
I sighed and took them both in my arms as
I looked for some place to wash them. There was a sink and some of the water I
had left would allow me to bathe them for the first time. I was alert at all
times as I washed them so as not to hurt them.
This was hard to do as they struggled and
I was afraid I would inadvertently kill them which would piss John off.
Thinking of John made me able to do a better job than I would have without him
in my mind.
After I finished bathing them, I took
random bits of clothing to cover them up. When we got back to base they could
get real clothing and real help.
As I put the twins next to Katherine I
realized I couldn’t wait. I needed to find a radio so that Katherine could be
taken care of.
For over an hour I made sure that
Katherine would be fine if left alone for a few hours at least. I had to go
around the area to find a radio. I had no other choice if we wanted to survive.
As I looked at them for what could be the
last time, I smiled at the twins and Katherine’s sleeping form before walking
away.
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