Chapter 13
Tobias says that talking to Rachel helped a little bit and he had been able to sleep in Jake's attic afterwards.
Tobias waits for the others to get done with school and realizes being trapped as a hawk isn't all bad. Of course he brings up no homework. What teen wouldn't bring that up? And instead of homework he can fly! That is a very good trade off.
Tobias goes to ride the thermals by the beach. Flying around the cliffs. He spots some prey but he ignores it since he's human. Human even though he's in the body of a hawk.
Turns out Jake had called a meeting at his house since his brother Tom, a human Controller, would be off at a meeting of The Sharing. Tobias quickly reminds the readers that The Sharing is a front for the Yeerks. They use it to get new human hosts while pretending it's like the boy scouts. Except The Sharing is probably more supportive of the LGBTQ+ community.
Tobias says he checks time nowadays by doing things like checking people's watches from the air. He also says that it's strange what you miss when you're not human anymore. Like showers, really sleeping, and knowing the time.
I like how in the beginning of the chapter it shows the full scope of what Tobias is going through. How he says why he likes being trapped in the body of a hawk and yet misses being human.
Once it get into the afternoon Tobias goes over to the school and watches the others come out. He remarks that it was Marco's idea for them all to leave separately. Marco is constantly shown to be the joker/asshole that is actually very smart. Makes the character a little complex, in my opinion.
Tobias remarks about the different distances the Animorphs live from their school. He also uses the comment to bring up the fact that flying makes travel a lot quicker. And that's one of the perks about being stuck in morph.
Tobias concentrates on the other Animorphs to take his mind off of how his hawk mind focuses on the prey that's all around. This shows that he's in denial about himself. Almost like someone dealing with their sexuality and how admitting to yourself that you aren't straight can be painful as hell. Especially in certain environments. I didn't say so before, but in the last chapter when Rachel was talking about how a person isn't what they are on the outside...almost seemed like the little speech could be applied to transgendered people.
I know it was her trying to comfort Tobias by saying he's a human, but still...
Tobias sees Tom leave the house and uses the time to talk about both attempting to rescue Jake's brother and getting trapped in morph.
A little bit later Tobias watches as the others start heading over to Jake's house for the meeting. He says that Rachel is the easiest to spot and she's practicing gymnastics as she's walking over to her cousin's house.
When everyone is gathered in Jake's house, Tobias flies in and he says he doesn't want to look like he was hanging around with nothing to do. As I pointed out before, Tobias' submissive side hasn't gone away but has been changed. The only one he seems to even be honest with, at least concerning his own personal problems, is Rachel. To everyone else he wants to pretend like he's perfectly okay with his situation.
Marco says that they have been waiting for Tobias for hours while they've only been waiting for two minutes. Tobias doesn't bother replying with the truth, but tells Marco that he's a busy bird.
Cassie says they need to make this meeting quick as everyone in the group, except Tobias, has to do a paper for a teacher. She also says she promised to help her dad with releasing a great horned owl. Marco jokes with Tobias about the owl being a friend of his.
The others think Marco shouldn't say that since it's a little bit cruel. Tobias doesn't mind as it makes him feel normal since Marco jokes with everyone. I am seeing a connection between why I like Tobias' feelings towards Marco and why I ship Bruce Banner/Tony Star (aka Science Bros or Science Husbands) in The Avengers. Bruce/Tobias is only treated like a regular human being by Tony/Marco. At least that's the case in this book, I'll be following this connection throughout the rest of my re-read.
Tobias replies that red-tailed hawks and owls hang out at different points in the day. He fanboys about owls and talks about how awesome they are. Jake says that they should hurry up as Cassie has to get back home. Rachel says that she also has to go soon as her gymnastics class is putting on an exhibition in the mall. Marco says he'll be there and Rachel says that he's not going. Nor is any other Animorph going.
While Rachel is the fiercest fighter, she doesn't like putting on a show in front of people.
Jake tires to have the group focus by repeating what they had learned about the Yeerk ship. He asks the others how they are going to use the information. Rachel, of course, says they should find a way to destroy the ship. Marco doesn't like the idea and asks if they can go back to talking about birds. Rachel pays no mind to the boy and points out if they destroy the Yeerk ship that the Yeerks will run out of air and water.
Cassie points out the downside of the Yeerks having more ships like the one they saw in the mountains. Marco starts to bring up a plan that would only need the Yeerk ship that they saw. He stops once he realizes he'd be involved in enacting the plan. With a little nudge from Jake, Marco says that they could go into the ship and turn its cloaking device off as it flies over the city.
The group is silent as they imagine that happening. About people seeing their first glimpse at a craft from another world. The group speaks up saying that everyone would notice and there could be no coverup. Jake says that they could finally give the information to the authorities and not have to fight. Rachel says they could tell the authorities about the Sharing and turn in Chapman.
Marco, being the sad voice of reason, brings up the point that Visser Three won't sit back. They've seen how violent he can get and there isn't one safe person from his rage. Jake is, of course, disappointed at the reality check.
Tobias counters Marco by saying that the Yeerks don't have enough power to fight Earth openly. When Marco asks why, Tobias replies that strong people fight openly, weak people don't. This seems to reflect Tobias being bullied when he was a human. He knows how bullies fight and now he's applying that logic to the Yeerks.
Marco just agrees with Tobias instead of making a snarky comeback.
Rachel says this could be their big chance to reveal the Yeerks to other people. Marco timidly asks how they plan to get into the Yeerk ship. Jake says they'll do so by morphing into fish and Marco is far from happy about the idea.
Chapter 14
Rachel and Cassie start to leave. Cassie wishing her friend good luck and Marco saying he'll be there soon. Rachel, of course, glaring at him for his comment. Once Rachel is gone he winks at Jake and Tobias as he says that she really likes him. Uh, no, you don't mess with bird-boy's girlfriend. He can either claw your eyes out or spend all day shitting on you. He has the time to do the latter.
Jake doesn't buy into what Marco says and tells Tobias that they can't do the mission until the weekend. Tobias asks why and Jake replies that it's all about timing. It takes awhile just to get to the place and they'll probably have to camp out by the area.
Marco remarks that he wants to stay away from the other wolf pack they ran into before. Tobias shares your sentiments as pulling off that move twice is suicidal.
Tobias suggests going on a Saturday. Jake then starts to ask if Tobias can get information on the area. Tobias interrupts to finish what Jake was saying. He then makes a joke, at his own expense, about having a lot of time. Both Marco and Jake laugh. Marco is probably surprised that Tobias can make a joke about being stuck in morph while Jake appears to wonder if Tobias is okay.
This is in character for both of them. Marco is more free with his jokes while Jake is the leader and wants to make sure all of the Animorphs are doing okay.
Tobias privately thought-speaks to Jake to reassure him that he is fine. Just a little spooked by them almost being stuck as half-wolves half-human creatures. Tobias can tell, by Jake's reaction, that he was very much spooked by the incident too.
Marco asks what they should do now as he's going between the options of going to Rachel's gymnastics's exhibition or playing DOOM. I am not a big gamer, but DOOM is a childhood classic for me. The graphics alone make me all happy inside.
Jake warns Marco not to go to the mall and watch Rachel as his cousin would kill him via elephant morph. Marco jokes that before they were Animorphs all he had to worry about was getting called bad names by a girl. Now Marco is a decent character, but he doesn't seem to always have a good grasp on what is good manners/polite. I'm pretty sure you could run into girls that could beat you senseless if they didn't like you, or get someone else to do the job for them (be it another girl or guy).
Tobias decides to fly off as he can't play video games. He has great eyesight and reaction time, but he can't play video games. I so need to write a short fic where he is a video game master. Maybe also drunk but...I might want to make those into two separate fics.
Tobias flies over Chapman's house and recounts what they found out about him in the last book. That he gave up his freedom to keep his daughter safe. Total badass.
As Tobias thinks about Melissa, his mind drifts to all the places he can't go. He then sort of snaps out of it when he realizes he can go to any amusement park at any time. He couldn't ride any of the rides, but the thought of just flying in makes him happy. He also brings up a few other places as well.
I like this little sequence of thoughts as it shows Tobias trying to stay positive. That he can get very down about his situation, but it's not like he wants to feel depressed. He looks at the positives of a situation even if those positives sound insane to any rational person.
Tobias then heads towards the mountains as he has to scope out the area. He continues to think that his new life isn't so bad since he can fly. He imagines a kid looking up at him and wishing that they could fly too. I admit I've always wanted to turn into a bird and fly away. I'm jealous of Tobias in that regard, if you want to call any of my feelings towards him jealousy.
Tobias remarks that he's feeling hungry and should've asked Jake for something eat before he left. I see no problems arising because of this.
Before Tobias even knows what's going on, his hawk mind sees a rat and he dives towards it. His hawk mind completely takes over and he kills it. Tobias enjoys killing the rat but then his human side takes control before he fully consumes the rat.
To say the scene is intense is an understatement. You really feel Tobias' conflict between his hawk and human mind here.
The chapter ends with Tobias being so disgusted with himself that he tries to run away...like a human. But, he remembers, he doesn't have feet anymore and instead he has talons. Talons to kill rats with.
Tobias tries to say he didn't want to kill the rat, but part of him says that he did.
Excuse me as I cry for the next few years.
Chapter 15
Tobias tries to fly away from the memory of killing and eating the rat. He hates the hawk part of himself and wants to get away. But he knows you can't run away from a memory. Poor baby!
He tries to remind himself that he's Tobias and he's human. The sort of mantra that Rachel told him earlier.
Tobias wants to go to Rachel and he doesn't know why. He thinks it's because he wants someone to be sure of who he is. Tobias says that he considers Rachel a friend. I ship the two of them and this is early on in their relationship so him not considering her his girlfriend is normal.(
Tobias figures that Rachel will be at the mall and so heads there. He decides to dive down towards the doors of the mall. He describes diving towards the door as "like I'd shot toward the rat". No surprise, especially from that phrasing, he talks about this being his way to commit suicide. That if he smashes into the door he'll wake up from his new reality.
I have considered suicide before, it's the reason I was diagnosed with clinical depression, and so any mention of suicide gets to me. Suicide being used well in fiction really hits home with me.
Tobias doesn't waver in his suicide attempt, but then someone opens the first door for him. The second door is open also. He doesn't get to awaken himself. I think awakening, for him, would be either death or just waking up in bed. In either case he doesn't have to worry about the Yeerks or being trapped in a body of a red-tailed hawk.
Tobias is inside the mall and it seems, by his descriptions, that he is a little confused. He's going super fast inside the mall and he hears people screaming at him.
He wants to hit something so that he can wake up. My god! This is a book for children and this chapter is nothing but a suicide attempt so far!
He also repeats his mantra of him being human.
As Tobias goes through the mall he knows this is a place he belonged to as a human. This is where he still wants to belong.
Finally he reaches the middle of the mall and sees Rachel. He shoots past her as she screams his name. He realizes he is going fast enough so slam into the place a new shop is going to be. Rachel realizes his plan and yells no!
Tobias, at the last second, diverts himself from smashing into the wall and goes towards the glass ceiling. He smashes and falls down where Rachel catches him. Not to say symbolism but Rachel is Tobias' support, especially in this book. She's the one that he turns to. And now she's catching him and I'm not supposed to yell symbolism?
Rachel tells him that he needs to get out of the mall. As malls aren't places red-tailed hawks usually go. Tobias cries that he's lost since he killed. He thinks that since he killed once that he will never be human again. That he's lost.
Rachel says that he isn't lost since he still has the rest of the Animorphs. He still has friends he can count on. Her reply is so heartwarming and tear jerking that I'll post it here:
"No. As long as you have me and the others, you aren’t lost, Tobias."
People then start to try to get Tobias away from Rachel. To onlookers it seemed as though Tobias was a crazed bird that wasn't a boy trapped in hawk form. At one point someone throws a shopping bag at him.
Tobias looks at the skylight and realizes that the human part of him is dead. The hawk part of him wants to fly to the sky and Tobias allows that part of him to take over. Since, to him, the human part called Tobias is already dead.
The hawk part of him doesn't know that the glass will stop and kill them, but the human named Tobias isn't there to correct him. And the small part of the human named Tobias, that remained, wanted to crash into the skylight and die.
Luckily Marco is there and breaks the skylight before Tobias can kill himself by crashing into the glass. Tobias then flies through the skylight and abandons his own mind.
Oh my god, this chapter is just a giant suicide attempt. And, some might argue, the suicide attempt did succeed. Just not in the way Tobias wanted.
Chapter 16
The chapter opens with Tobias saying that the next few days were a haze for him. He lived life like a hawk which meant he didn't communicate with his fellow Animorphs. I knew this part of the book was coming up but it's still hard to re-read it.
Tobias makes his territory in the meadow he made his first kill in. You might say it's because that's where the hawk is used to because of that one event, but it's like Tobias is feeling nostalgic. In other words: he chose the spot because it's the last place he was ever truly human. At least to his mind at the moment.
Tobias spends his days hunting for the most part. He considers days easier than nights since during the day he could keep busy. At night-Holy fucking god! So far in this chapter it's been the hawk part of Tobias' mind narrating!
Calming down...Hawk Tobias doesn't like the night because that's when Human Tobias will invade his mind. Human Tobias will show pictures of life as a human. Hawk Tobias says that Human Tobias is very lonely but wants to escape into the persona of Hawk Tobias and forget that Human Tobias is human. But every night Human Tobias will still rise up.
Hawk Tobias remembers the female red-tailed hawk and decides to fly to her territory by the mountain lake.
Hawk Tobias watches as the female hawk tries to hunt a small raccoon but then doesn't since its mother comes to protect it. Hawk Tobias watches as the female hawk then perches on a branch. He is nervous as female hawks are usually larger than males.
Is it just me or is Hawk Tobias reacting like a nervous human on a date? Like he's nervous on asking the female hawk to the prom or something.
Hawk Tobias and the female watch a hunt. He remarks that it's interesting watching a hunt even by another species. He says it heightens his own ability to hunt. I must warn you that this part gets a little creepy.
The prey runs on two legs and falls down. It has trouble breathing and Hawk Tobias remarks that prey often squeals. Holy fuck, Hawk Tobias! That's a human being that's being hunted!
When Hawk Tobias sees the Hork-Bajir chasing the human he remembers Marco and suddenly realizes that the prey is a human. The transition Hawk Tobias makes to Tobias is done very well.
Tobias wants to help the human but the hawk part of his mind doesn't understand why. The human is prey and prey is hunted by predators. That's the way of the hawk's world.
Suddenly Tobias snaps back and repeats the fact that a human is being hunted by a Hork-Bajir. He decides to help the human. He says that before he was thinking a hawk going after a raccoon was insane and now he is going after something much more dangerous.
Tobias goes for the eyes as they are a weak spot for the species. He manages to get the Hork-Bajir's eyes but it isn't said if the human survives or not.
Everything of Tobias' life comes back to him. He recalls the other Animorphs, Yeerks, and Andalites. He sees that the female hawk is like him and this strange human is not. The strange human is not an Animorph and yet the broken boy can't help but rescue him.
Yes! Tobias is back! Yes!
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Animorphs Re-Read Table of Contents
