This chapter has been edited due to content. If you want to see the unedited version GO HERE.
I don't know how I got to the hospital. All I remembered was darkness and then waking up in a bed right beside Emilia. At first all I could do was slightly turn my head to see her. Doing so had been painful and caused me to stay still a majority of the time. From what the nurses told me, she was in a much worse condition than me. While the attacker had fought me just enough to remove me as a threat, he went after my girlfriend with full force until he was stopped.
The next week was spent in the same dreary routine made worse by the fact I could hardly move. Nurses would come and check me every hour. I was given medications that I hoped wouldn't kill me. Meals and baths felt demeaning as I couldn't do anything myself. What made everything so much worse was that Emilia never woke up completely and just looked around the room in a drugged state before passing out again.
Whenever I could manage I'd try singing her a song or repeating the events of the day. I tried to make the nurses washing me into an epic tale full of danger and suspense. With every word I waited for Emilia to wake up and start mocking me. To tell me I had jumped a little too high or tried to get out of the nurse's reach a little too roughly. She might even tease me how a nurse washing me would never play into one of my fantasies ever again.
To hear her voice would make this pain so much less. It would give me a reason to hope again and feel any joy in life. But, for now, I could only wait for her to open her eyes once again. The nurses reassured me that she would live but I was unsure. How could someone in a condition such as hers live? How could she continue to act after she was stabbed so many times? Could it be that she had survived so much to die at the hands of a rabid fan?
I should have done so much more. If I had fought harder then she wouldn't be in the bed beside me. If I hadn't let the alcohol affect me so much then she would be in a chair beside my bed to make sure I was okay. We would be joking about how her attacker was beaten to a pulp by the pub's patrons and taken to this hospital under strict police surveillance.
My mind was snapped back to reality when one of the police officers walked by my door with a fresh cup of coffee and a sleepy look in his eyes. I was glad he passed my room by as I didn't want to talk with anyone. The hospital hadn't had any other room to put Emilia's attacker in when we had all arrived. Or else, they assured me, he would have been put in another part of the hospital far away from me.
The security around the attacker was good enough that I didn't worry about the man rushing into this room and finishing what he started. Could I stop him this time? Could I protect Emilia this time? Or would I fail like before? I couldn't stand letting her get hurt again while I was around. I couldn't stand the thought that she could die while away from my arms. I was older than her, it should be me who died first. I didn't want to spend another day without her.
I didn't respond when a nurse came in to wash me. Everyone was used to me being silent as they knew the trauma was great. I hadn't allowed the television to be turned on as I didn't want to know how the rest of the world was reacting. I was afraid that Emilia's fans would use the incident to prove how worthless I was. And I did feel worthless as I hadn't been able to protect the woman I loved. The woman I desperately wanted to marry.
I closed my eyes tightly to try to imagine I wasn't here. Needing to be washed by a stranger made me feel like a child and not a full grown man. I should be able to wash myself. I shouldn't have to feel so helpless. To the nurse's credit she was doing her best to hold a one sided conversation.
"I could wash you in the shower next time if you're up for it, Mr. Glen." The nurse said as she finished.
For a moment I considered not replying to her at all. Let her keep washing me as I sat in the bed. But maybe if she washed me in the shower it would make me feel more like myself. If I progressed to being able to stand in the shower then it would mean I'd be home sooner. But what was my house if Emilia wasn't there?
"That sounds good." I replied with barely any inflection.
"The doctor will be in shortly." The nurse said and left quickly after that.
I could tell that my silence made her uneasy. It made me uneasy and I wished I could talk more freely. But with the health of Emilia in question, I was constantly tense. What kind of man would I be if I felt comfortable now? What kind of man would I be if I could joke around with the people here? Was I being too hard on myself? Was my constant worrying making me recover slower?
"Emilia?" I whispered softly. "Wake up. I can't live without you."
I couldn't live without her. The moment she breathed her last breath I would join her in whatever afterlife awaited us. If only darkness awaited us then I would join her in sweet oblivion. But I wanted us to last for many years before that happened. I wanted time to marry her and have kids. I wanted time to experience how rich and fulfilling married life actually was.
"Iain Glen?" The doctor asked as he knocked on the door frame.
"Yes." I replied and sat up as well as I could.
Before the doctor continued speaking he made the top part of the bed lean forward a little. This made it so I could sit up like I was on a couch at home. The television blaring some program as Emilia sat next to me and we gradually forgot what was on. All that mattered was her and me. Her and me.
"The nurse tells me that you'll be taking a shower tomorrow." The doctor said once I was comfortable.
"Yes," I replied and tried to act natural. "But I'll still need her help."
"It's progress, though. The sooner we're sure you can take care of yourself, the sooner you can be back home."
"And how long will it be until Emilia is ready to go home?"
"Ms. Clarke? She will be conscious soon. If you're worried she'll go into a coma, you don't need to worry about that. If she was going to go into a coma she would've already been in one."
"What about lessening the drugs?"
"I really wish we could. But if we did there would be damage that she shouldn't need to suffer. She's already been through enough."
"You're right."
"And you have also been through more than anyone should. The fact that you were brave enough to fight even though you could die speaks volumes to your character. Not everyone would do that. Most would have run if given the chance. I don't even know if I would've stayed to protect my wife."
"I didn't feel brave. I still don't."
I guess my voice was harsher than I meant it to be as the doctor reacted like I had slapped him. Before I thought to say sorry he had wished me a good day and left the room. My eyes focused on the television and I knew there was no avoiding catching up with the news. At some point I would have to open up back to the world again and it was better for me to see things first to prepare Emilia for them.
Still it took me a good thirty minutes before I could force myself to turn to a news station. After awhile I didn't think I'd be unfortunate to find a news report about the attacker. As per usual there were silly stories along with more serious reports. There were stories to make people more afraid while funny clips to make people laugh.
Just as I was about to turn the television off, there was a news report about what had transpired in the pub.
"A week ago the Game of Thrones actress Emilia Clarke was brutally attacked in a local pub." The news reporter began. "She was defended by her boyfriend and fellow Game of Thrones co-star Iain Glen."
As the reporter spoke an image of Emilia in the hospital appeared behind her. It took everything to keep my eyes focused on the screen. And, in truth, it was much easier to endure her this way than the version that was beside me. The real thing that I could touch if I stretched my arm to its full length.
"Eyewitnesses claim that Glen confronted the attacker." The reporter continued. "After the attacker seriously harmed Glen, he went after Clarke until the pub patrons stopped him."
When the reporter talked about me an image of me in the hospital appeared behind her. I grimaced at the sight. How could I be alive? Some of the scars would go away with time but others would last. An everlasting sign of how much i cared for Emilia. Against what any rational person would have done, I had decided to lay down my life for the only woman I had ever loved.
"On various social media platforms people have expressed admiration for Iain Glen." The reporter finished. "As you may remember, many were against Emilia Clarke deciding to date Glen. But with this show of bravery people have turned to heavily supporting Clarke's choice to date the older man. Though many do support the two actors staying together, there are a few outliers that remain opposed to Clarke and Glen remaining together. Emilia Clarke is still in critical condition."
The next news story was about animal shelter conditions so I turned off the television. I had seen what I needed to. People were really wanting me to stay with Emilia? People had changed their minds because I had been stabbed close to death? Was I really all that brave for what I had done?
Even though a lot of people now thought I belonged with Emilia, they shouldn't have changed their minds. The only reason Emilia had been rescued by me was because I had put her into a dangerous situation. It was my fault any of us was harmed at all. If I hadn't decided on that pub then we wouldn't have been in the way of the attacker.
Maybe we could've been at a cafe when he attacked. Instead of drinking more than I usually did, I would've been sipping on tea. If I had merely been sober the man wouldn't have had any chance against me. I was taller and fitter than him. It should've been more than easy to knock him out.
"I'm an idiot." I chuckled under my breath.
Of course I could imagine how things could have been different. Of course I could imagine thousands of scenarios where things had gone differently and I had saved both of us. But the truth of the matter was that no matter my many fantasies, I would still be in the hospital beside the love of my life. There was also the truth that there was no way I could know for certain if I had acted differently that we wouldn't still be in the hospital.
* * *
The following days went by slowly as Emilia continued to be silent. The silence was painful as it made everything so much worse. At least if she were talking to me then I'd know she'd recover. The doctors had reassured me that no damage should be great enough to affect her acting. But until I saw her performing I wouldn't believe them.
"Game of Thrones Season 6's filming has been delayed." The reporter continued.
I had decided to switch between the news and the few good channels the hospital provided. While there was noise I didn't tend to listen to it. All the television did was make me feel like I wasn't stuck in a bed and unable to help the only woman I had ever loved.
"I love you..." Emilia mumbled and my head quickly turned to look at her.
"Emilia." I whispered and reached out my hand to hers.
But she did not take it. The only response she had was to look up at the ceiling as if there was some grand secret there. I wouldn't be deterred as she hadn't spoken so clearly since before the pub. She had to be waking up now so, after straining my arm, I managed to touch her fingers. My hand squeezed hers gently and yet she still wasn't responding.
Letting out a sigh I put my hand back on my lap. She hadn't woken up, I had merely given my hopes up yet again. Or had I? If she had begun to speak clearer it could mean she'd wake up soon. It'd only be a day or two more until we could talk. Until I could propose to her. No, I wanted to plan my moment better. A woman like her deserved a more romantic proposal than one done in hospital beds. Plus I didn't have a ring to give her and what was a proposal without a ring?
Would she even take my hand in marriage once she woke up or would she want someone who could actually protect her? Doubts about marrying her had held me back from taking the next step in our relationship. I couldn't let doubt control me as much anymore. I couldn't let her die without knowing how much I loved her. She would have a ring on her hand when I finally asked her.
Emilia would wake up. I looked over at her and saw her eyes trying to focus on the television. As the news was beginning to repeat itself I flipped through different channels until I ended on an unfunny sitcom. It was one she had never liked before and yet weak laughs were coming from her mouth. She would wake up soon.
For around five days I assumed a new routine. I would talk to her whenever she spoke clearly and then reach for her hand. Every time she spoke I found my hope ignited once again. Every time she said a word my world became just a little bit brighter. The nurses commented on my new demeanor whenever they came into the room. My daily shower usually ended up with both of us laughing.
I was watching Labyrinth purely for David Bowie. If there had been a channel that was playing hours of his music I would've switched to that. But as that wasn't an option, I watched the movie with him in it as I eagerly awaited Emilia to say something.
"Iain?" Emilia asked and turned her head to look at me.
"Emilia?" I replied and reached out to touch her hand.
A tear went down my cheek as she reached out to me. Our fingertips touched and we pulled our hands back as one. It was as if we were one soul in two bodies. With a little bit of a struggle I got out of my bed. If not for the physical therapy I wouldn't have been able to stand clumsily at her side.
"I was afraid you died." Emilia said and held my hand.
"I was afraid that I was watching you slowly die here." I replied as my voice started to crack.
"I was able to hear and see things, but nothing seemed real at all. I nearly thought I had died."
"Heaven wouldn't look like this."
As I felt myself start to wobble I sat on the edge of my bed. My body cried out but I ignored it. The only thing that mattered to me now was that Emilia was alive and she'd soon be back to her normal self. She'd be back to film Game of Thrones and show the world the actress she would always be.
"What is it?" Emilia asked with concern.
"I'm not worthy of you, Emilia." I replied with a sad smile. "I should have fought harder and then you wouldn't be here now. You would be happy and not confined to this room."
"You were drunk, Iain."
"It doesn't matter. I still allowed you to be stabbed close to death."
"I know the difference between a movie and reality. You're not actually the characters you play. I'm sure Jorah could fight well when drunk but you're not him. In fight scenes there is extensive planning so you don't get injured. Nothing in that pub was planned."
I didn't want to believe her. Some part of me wanted to keep the pain and regret even while Emilia was forgiving me of everything. In fact she didn't think I had done anything wrong. She felt that I had reacted as well as any person would have.
"So you still want to be my girlfriend?" I asked and forced myself to look into her eyes.
The next few seconds took lifetimes. I died and was born many times before one second turned into two seconds. My heart started beating faster than it ever had before. How could I deal with the anxiety of a proposal if asking her this question made me so tense? Should I have just gotten the proposal out of the way now?
"Of course, I'm not letting you go so easily." Emilia replied with a smile.
If I could I would've rushed over to her and embraced her. But both of us were in no condition for that. So, instead of touching each other, we smiled. Then I laid on my bed and we watched Labyrinth.
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