This chapter has been edited due to content. I made minor edits in this chapter. If you want to see the unedited version GO HERE.
The air around Winterfell had become colder. Maybe the dead were fast approaching or it could be that this was normal. Ever since talking with Sam I had become more than nervous about his answer. He could very well come to the conclusion that I was Azor Ahai and my vision had been right. To distract myself I watched Rhaegal and Drogon.
I remembered the night Daenerys had insisted on going on Khal Drogo's pyre. Her anguish was palpable and I feared the worst for her. She had many years to live before she rested. No matter what I said to her, her decision was final. She wanted to die and gave me a kiss that felt like fire. In that moment I had felt that we were saying good-bye for the last time. That morning I had raced to check on her ashes with a vain hope that she was alive. No man could escape the fire but Daenerys had. She was much more than any man or woman alive.
Rhaegal, Viserion, and Drogon had quickly shown themselves. Not only had Khaleesi survived, but she had done a miracle. Dragons had not been seen for many years until she had come out of the pyre unburnt. Above Winterfell her two surviving dragons chased each other. They would fly high, twist, and turn while letting out roars that shook the ground. The Northerners had grown used to ignoring them while more important work needed to be done.
Without Daenerys Drogon could no longer be ridden. I was sure that with his Targaryen blood, Jon would be able to ride Rhaegal. It would be a sight to see him claiming part of his heritage by riding a dragon. He would gain new support once he became a dragon rider. It was easy enough to ignore a man but you couldn't ignore a dragon. Cersei Lannister had made a show of indifference of dismissing Khaleesi. It was most likely her hatred that had given her such strength.
Even if I was Azor Ahai I doubted I'd have the strength needed to ride Drogon. Flying high above the ground frightened me. I had ridden different mounts in my time and nothing equaled a dragon. If Drogon for one second ignored me I could fall off and die. He could blame me for his mother's death and not care for my life. It could be the brief bit of comfort him and Rhaegal demanded of me would never happen again.
I was outside the gates of Winterfell as I wanted to be alone. There were still guards near enough that if the dead were to attack I would be protected. I turned when I heard footsteps. No one should be coming this way and so I should have solitude.
"Jorah." Jon said nervously.
He knew that he shouldn't be here now. I had gone to the morning's meeting and then left. I hadn't talked to Sam or Sansa. Tyrion had been confused about why I had refused his company but he hadn't inquired on my state of mind. He would know that Jon's proposal had hit me hard and I might need more than a few days to think things over. It seemed that all of Winterfell was waiting for my reply. If I agreed then it would mark a historic moment in Westerosi history.
"Jon." I replied without emotion.
I didn't want him to know my state of mind. I didn't want him to know how nervous I was. He didn't need to know what I thought of him. His face was one of the most beautiful I had ever set eyes on. Jon had faced horrors and came out of them unstained. He had been betrayed by those in the Night's Watch and had taken back Winterfell. He had faced Theon without killing the man. The Greyjoy had tried to claim Winterfell as his own and eventually had it taken by the Boltons. Ramsay had raped Sansa and the thought must drive Jon mad. At least as mad as the Stark was ever able to get.
"I do miss Daenerys." Jon said. "I'm sad that she didn't return my affections. I can understand why, though. I am nothing compared to you."
"You are wrong." I replied. "We each offer our own strengths. It took her awhile to return my affections. Even then, she was dead. I can't have a normal romance with her. You, at least, got to enjoy her pleasures. You were able to connect with her on a level I never will be able to."
"Lovemaking isn't the strongest of connections. Besides, after bedding me she decided she didn't love me."
"I don't think you're that bad."
I saw a grin on his face and I felt embarrassed. I had said too much. He shouldn't know I wanted him so he could prepare for me to say no. I should say no as Daenerys and I were together. At least on a certain plane of existence we were. If I was with him I would be unfaithful to her. Or was that my fear trying to convince me to say no?
"Have you ever been with a man?" Jon asked me.
"Not in a committed relationship." I replied.
He nodded as he understood. I had been with a few whores but it was a shame I liked to hide. It wouldn't do to shame my father by loving another man. Only being with men for a night was easy as no man had caught my heart. Hardly any man was even sexually desirable to me.
"You shouldn't be comparing me to you." I said as I tried to stay on the original topic. "There are things for Daenerys to admire in both of us. Both of us have qualities that are worthy of love. You are unstained after everything you have gone through."
"And you endure after everything that has happened to you." Jon said.
"Sometimes I have had to endure things because I am not the purest of men."
"Maybe that is why Daenerys couldn't stay in love with me. She found her strength in the Dothraki and those nomads aren't like people in Westeros. She is just as beautiful and deadly as any dragon."
"Daenerys is like one of the Old Gods. She had enough power to change me. From the moment I looked at her I was no longer my own man. I was not Robert's to use as he saw fit. I was hers. If not for her I would still be the pitiful man I was in the past."
It still shamed me that I hadn't told Khaleesi of why I really sought her out. If I hadn't been such a coward I wouldn't have come down with grey scale. We could've formed a relationship together. But what if it was the grey scale that had opened her eyes? Eyes that must have been closed from what she thought was proper.
"How long did it take you to fall in love with her?" Jon asked.
"The moment I saw her." I said with a smile. "One glance and I was hers."
"And me?"
"Who says I have feelings for you?"
The way I turned my face away revealed my true feelings. The moment our eyes met again he had a grin on his face. Why was I continuing to hide my feelings from him? He knew what I felt and was willing to reciprocate. Even though everyone had agreed me bedding the Stark was acceptable, part of me would not let go of the fear. For my entire life I had been taught to abhor sexual thoughts of other men. Yet now I was told no one would care?
For so long I had hid my desires from my family and friends. There were a few relationships I could've started if only I had been brave enough. But my inability to bring that type of dishonor on my house made my bravery fade away. Or maybe I was being brave in another sense?
"We have to be honest with ourselves sometime, Jorah." Jon said. "I figure that you were raised to abhor the thought of being with another man. There are terrible things in this world, I have seen only a few of them, and love isn't evil. Even if it means loving another man."
"You are right." I replied. "We have to be honest. I only looked at you as I would any other man. It wasn't until we went to capture a wight that I started to feel differently."
The strength, courage, and leadership I had seen from him then had been astounding. All the features that had been interesting to me before had become something more. They had called out to be touched and caressed. The way Jon carried himself in the darkest of times made me truly care for the man.
I wasn't about to tell him the depths of my emotions. Not now. I had finally decided what I felt about him. I loved him. Not as deeply as Daenerys, but I still cared for him. I still wanted to accept his proposal and yet something held me back. It wasn't the anger I had felt before. It was something else.
"And when did you fall in love with me?" I asked.
"I don't know." Jon replied shyly. "All I remember is thinking of you as a lover."
"Why didn't you act on those emotions?"
"I had Daenerys and I cared for her. I wasn't going to abandon her because I started having feelings for you."
I nodded in understanding. It was a noble thing not to go from lover to lover. No matter how strong your emotions pulled at you. It was the sort of nobility I had come to expect from Jon. The nobility everyone had come to expect from him. It was the reason he had risen from bastard to ruler of the Seven Kingdoms. A position that would be agreed upon by all once Cersei Lannister was dead.
"Sam told me about your vision." Jon said.
"He told you?" I asked.
"He's my best friend. He was the one I connected with the most in the Night's Watch. He couldn't hide the truth from me."
I wanted to be angry at Sam but I couldn't. He was good friends with Jon. I should've expected that the two would talk to each other. As my vision declaring me Azor Ahai was one of the most exciting things Sam had encountered as of late, he would want to tell Jon.
"You must think it insane that I'm Azor Ahai." I told Jon. "I'm a disgraced knight that brought shame to my house. There is nothing in me that indicates I am a legendary hero reborn."
"And you think it makes more sense for me to be a hero?" Jon asked with a chuckle. "I do what I do because I have to. I don't do it because I was destined."
"I think that's your bastard upbringing talking. Your upbringing most likely taught you humility that I could never have."
Though being a bastard didn't always teach a person humility. Ramsay had rebelled against his status. He had murdered his own father because he wanted power. He had murdered his brother so that his status could not be challenged. He raped Sansa for his perverse pleasure and so he would have an heir. Ramsay Bolton had a very different personality from Jon Stark.
"You have just as much of a chance of being a hero as myself, Jorah." Jon continued. "You are seeking to become a better person with no thought of redemption. You are doing good for the simple purpose of wanting to do right."
"You might be correct." I replied with a small smile. "Though I highly doubt you would sell people into slavery or spy on those you claimed to serve."
"When I was first with the Wildlings I wasn't honest with them. I hid that I was still loyal to the Night's Watch. Even from Ygritte, the woman I loved, I hid the fact that I would betray them."
I wanted to reply that he was doing it for the greater good. He was still serving Westeros by his deceit. I had sold people into slavery for no reason but to please my second wife. I had spied on Daenerys and Viserys for no reason but because I was homesick. Jon at least was thinking of something greater in his deceit. But I said nothing partially because I was in shock. I also said nothing because I wanted to allow him to win this argument. I wanted there to be peace between us.
"Do you think you'll see Daenerys again?" Jon asked.
"I dearly hope so." I replied with a smile. "In my vision I was able to bond with her more than I did in life. I want to talk with her again."
"And make love to her?"
Both of us smiled at his joke. The winter air suddenly felt like summer in Essos. There was heat between us and every emotion I had been hiding came to the forefront. Before I could control my body, I had taken Jon's face in my hands. For only a brief moment we looked at each other. Then my lips were on his and his hands grabbed my shoulders.
The thought of Jon's lips had been but a dream before. I had imagined what they would feel like and how they would taste. The reality was much more than any dream. As our kisses deepened my fingers went through his hair. The curls went around my fingers and then let go as my fingers continued their journey. Jon's grip on my shoulders became painful but I didn't mind. I had been wanting this moment for awhile and now I was strong enough to rebel against my fear.
I wanted to **** Jon here and now but I restrained myself. Out here it would be too cold after a certain point. At the heat of the passion we both felt there was no cold, but soon enough we would start to feel the winter air again. We didn't need to be naked when that happened.
Daenerys appeared in my mind. She was dead but we were still lovers. We had ignited a fire that we hadn't while she was alive. I was hers and I was disgracing her now. Suddenly Jon's lips and grip disgusted me. I had abandoned my queen. I had disgraced myself yet again.
I pushed the Stark away and he looked at me. He was still caught up in the heat and was unprepared for the smack I put on his cheek. His legs buckled and he fell down into the snow. Jon recovered and looked at me with a confused look in his eyes. I didn't explain myself to him and merely glared at him before storming off.
I walked fast to try and get the thought of how Jon's kiss felt out of my mind. I couldn't give in to those feelings as long as I was with Khaleesi. And there was nothing, not even death, that would stop me from loving her. I should go back to Jon and explain things but I couldn't. If I was alone with him again it wouldn't just be kissing that we did.
* * *
I sat in a chair and faced the fireplace. The crackling was soothing to my weary mind. Instead of focusing on my feelings for Jon and my betrayal to Daenerys, I looked at the fire. The heat it was providing was barely enough to keep the winter air at bay. Just as a patch of my skin would warm up, the wind would come in and push the heat away. It was a vicious cycle but one I did not mind. It was a kind of discomfort I could stand. A type of pain I could understand.
I would need to explain myself to Jon tomorrow. Luckily he already knew how my emotions twisted and turned inside of me. He had forgiven me but I knew that cycle could not last. Even if the Stark was more than willing to continually forgive me. He did not deserve that kind of love in his life. He had risked and done much for those of Westeros. He deserved a man that loved him without thought.
Maybe Daenerys would never return to me and so I would have to move on. If it was only that one time I could make love to her, that was more than I deserved. More than I had earned throughout my wretched life. How long should I wait before giving my decision to Jon? Should I tell him it as soon as the sun rose?
"Daenerys," I said and looked into the flames. "Forgive me for abandoning you. If there is any way that I could talk to you again and explain myself, I'd prefer that form of communications. I want you to understand, and for me to know you understand, that I will never dishonor you that way again. If you never visit me again I will take your silence as a sign I need to move on."
The flames did not reply to me. They were silent except for the crackles they sometimes yelled out. I stared at them hoping I could decipher the messages those like the Red Priestesses understood. Khaleesi's reply could be painted in them. She was able to walk through them unharmed so maybe she could communicate through them after death.
"Jon." I said softly.
The memory of his kisses tore at my mind. I wanted to feel him again no matter how much I tried to deny that fact.
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