This chapter has been edited due to content. I made minor edits in the chapter. If you want to see the unedited version GO HERE.
I had loved Khaleesi for a long time. I had given everything I could to her. During all that time there was no care in my mind if she ever returned my affections. My first and foremost thoughts had been to serve her. That's all that had mattered to me for a long time. But that sense of duty didn't extend to sailing on the same ship she was. It was a weak part of me but I had earned that right. She would be making love to Jon Snow and I didn't want to be nearby.
It wasn't that I was jealous of the boy, but hurt that she hadn't chosen me. However, if she chose Jon as her king I would give him the upmost respect while my thoughts plagued me in secret. Of all the people I'd met, he was the most suitable for her. He was strong, noble, and kind.
"Jorah the Andal," A Dothraki said. "The dwarf wishes to speak to you."
We had landed hours ago and had long left White Harbor behind. I had decided to be off by myself as Daenerys was well protected. Besides that she was talking to Jon and I would not intrude. I stood up and followed the Dothraki to Tyrion.
Tyrion was drinking, as usual. Though he had had to slow down some due to lack of wine and those protecting it. If the Lannister had his way it would've all been gone before we reached Winterfell. Or, at least, more than half of it would no longer exist. He looked at me as I stood beside him, both of us looking off in the distance to where Daenerys was.
"At least she has chosen a suitable king." Tyrion said. "He has a title and no stain on his name."
"Unlike me?" I asked.
"Unlike me. I think we could've gotten a long if I had been taller."
"Your height wouldn't change her affections towards you. It's your mouth that's the problem."
Tyrion had told me about his conversation with Daenerys. How she had claimed Jon had been too short. That had been a lie as she had been fighting her feelings at that moment. She would've said anything to justify not bedding Jon. I should be happy that she had allowed her heart to heal. Yet...yet I couldn't be happy. Not as much as I should.
"Did you have her exile me because you cared for me or you wanted her?" I teased him. "You managed to get rid of me and Daario."
"You managed to get rid of you." Tyrion said with a grin on his face. "You and that greyscale of yours."
The greyscale I had contracted while bringing Tyrion to Daenerys. For awhile I thought that my last action would be to try and gain my queen's forgiveness. I fought in the pits for and helped rescue her from the Dothraki. Soon after rescuing her she had given me a greater gift than I ever dreamed of getting: the chance to die in her service.
But I didn't die and, instead, returned to her side. A side that now had the man with a boyish face. So young and tender yet he had conquered what the gods threw at him. It was only after going beyond the Wall that I had any true appreciation for him. There in the cold he had been a leader and I knew why people followed him.
"At least I didn't stay in the same boat as Daenerys." I replied. "I may not be as intelligent as you, but I didn't make that mistake."
Tyrion had no reply but to glare at me. The glare didn't last long as it broke when he laughed. It had taken me some time, but I had managed to be able to match Tyrion. He had taken it upon himself to be my friend on Dragonstone. Now, I guess, that friendship would continue. Once the war was over we would both be living in the Red Keep. If it still existed by the war's end.
"The truly idiotic thing was standing by Daenerys' quarters." Tyrion replied once the laughter had died down. "Sailing in the same ship was one thing, but hearing the moans. I honestly don't know if I was horrified or entertained. Possibly both."
"I can't tell when you're joking at times." I said dryly. "This is one of those instances where I'd rather remain ignorant."
"Where is your sense of adventure? Where is the man that dared go beyond the Wall?"
"I'm not the one that came up with the idea."
"That doesn't change your actions."
A smile briefly broke out but was gone by the time Tyrion would notice. I had gone to impress Daenerys and Jon had joined. It had been stupid but without going I wouldn't have been so sure of Jon as a leader. A connection of loyalty had formed out there in the bitter cold where the dead walked freely. It wouldn't due to argue those merits of going beyond the Wall, though.
"That I did." I replied. "But what man doesn't do stupid things for a woman?"
"Well, this isn't the same as selling people into slavery." Tyrion said dryly. "So this would be an improvement. Did you grow closer to Jon during that time?"
"He proved himself to be a capable leader. Besides myself, he is the only man I trust with Daenerys' heart."
"You know, sometimes I wonder-"
Drogon and Rhaegal interrupted him. They roared loudly as they dived down and then pulled up before they rammed into the ground. The maneuver had horses going into a panic and Dothraki doing their best to calm their steeds. Some of the soldiers had tensed up to the point of pulling out their swords. With a shot from Davos, everyone started calming down.
"They don't like being without their mother in this strange place." I mused.
"I don't think such giant creatures can feel fear." Tyrion argued.
"Maybe not before but now Viserion is dead. They know they can die. It wouldn't surprise me if they're intelligent enough to know they'll have to kill their brother."
Would Drogon and Rhaegal kill Viserion or would they no longer recognize them as their brother? When we got to Winterfell I would suggest to Daenerys to comfort them. She, above anyone else, respected them as if they were people. I respected the dragons but no one loved them as much as their mother. It might be that she was mourning Viserion so much she didn't want to speak to me about it. She might not have wanted to see her pain echoed in my face.
"Know what surprises me?" Tyrion asked and then replied before I had a chance to answer. "Daenerys looks at you as if she wants you. She looks at you like no one else."
"We both must have been imagining things." I replied and tried to hide the pain in my voice. "She chose Jon over me."
"But it's still strange. Maybe she will grow bored of him one day and you'll have what you desire."
"Grow bored of him? He can guide her on a better path than I ever could."
"That might not be what she really wants. People hardly ever do go for what's good for them."
No, people usually didn't. I had gone down a dark path for my second wife. I had sacrificed everything for her safety and happiness. In the end I had been exiled from my House and Westeros. Love could make people do desperate things. I put my hand on my sword as I heard weapons clanging against one another. On a second glance I could see it was a few Northerners sparring together.
The sun that lit up the day didn't seem bright enough to me. This was the King's Road where Daenerys was in danger. She should've gone on Drogon and be kept safe from all the harm here. She should risk her life for war not for any unsavory folk that would walk past. But Khaleesi had made her decision and I would say nothing against it. She might even think my suggestions on Dragonstone were borne out of jealousy. She would be half right in that case.
"I think I can find a nice bottle of wine to cheer you up." Tyrion said and started to walk.
"I do not need wine to dull my senses." I retorted as I followed him.
"You put your hand on your sword because you heard sparring. I think you may need something to help you calm down."
"I'll be calm once we are in Winterfell."
"You really think so? Jon and Daenerys will be fucking like children. I hardly think you'll be calm."
We reached Tyrion's tent and I resisted making another comment. He was right, though not exactly in the way he intended. I would always be on edge as long as Daenerys lived. It was my duty to make sure she was safe. If there was any chance of danger I would be on edge. Especially now when there were more opportunities than normal for her to die. More chances for me to see her breathe her last breath. Maybe with wine I could focus my anxieties and not let my own fear have her killed.
Tyrion handed me a bottle of wine and I turned it around in my hand. I needed to be calm but drinking might also make me less efficient. The reason I started drinking wasn't because I wanted to drink wine but to shut the dwarf up for just a little bit. It was cold but still warmer than outside. Winter hadn't fully come to Westeros and yet there was a chill that became colder every day.
"You want to talk about something?" I asked once I noticed Tyrion oddly staring at me.
"Actually there is." Tyrion said with a grin on his face. "I want to talk about Jon Snow."
"We've already talked about that. I don't think there is anything more to discuss on the matter."
"Oh, but I do."
"You're an annoyance, not a friend."
Tyrion was right that there was something I hadn't told him. I knew if I told him he would misconstrue simple admiration and concern as something more. Knowing the dwarf, he might misconstrue simply to be a pest. When I had gone beyond the Wall with Jon I felt a growing admiration for him. The way his eyes would search over the landscape, the different expressions that occupied his face, and his gait that kept steady through it all. I remembered him being brought back to the ship and seeing the scars that littered his chest. I remembered looking at him intently so I could go over every scar. To go over every hardship he had been through.
If I had admitted this to Tyrion, he would spread rumors and become even more of a nuisance. For someone so small he could cause a lot of chaos. At the end of the day, though, he was a good strategist and friend. Even if that friendship came with a price. Once he reunited with Bronn, at least for a time, I could have time where he wasn't constantly coming to me. Or maybe him and Bronn would decide to harass me together.
"You know I won't let this go." Tyrion said.
"I need some thoughts that are my own." I argued as I continued to drink.
"That won't do you any good. I decided to give you company purely because you were too alone. If one is alone too often one tends to mope. Daenerys doesn't need you like that."
"You're doing this for Daenerys' wellbeing? I thought you were doing it so we could mourn not being with her together."
Tyrion shrugged and I felt myself calming down. I handed Tyrion the wine and sat down. At Winterfell I was sure he would get me good and drunk to pry into my remaining secrets. Or just moan about Daenerys. I kept my mourning silent, except to him, while he mourned to me every night nearly.
"Am I interrupting?" A familiar woman's voice asked.
I turned to see Khaleesi at the entrance of Tyrion's tent. As always she looked like one of the old gods. She was beautiful and deadly with a heart that was kinder than she'd admit. My eyes stayed on her face but my mind wandered around her body. My mind painted a dream of her returning my affections and making love to me.
"No, you are not." I said curtly.
"Ser Jorah and I can continue our conversation later." Tyrion replied.
"Good, I wish to speak to my friend alone." Daenerys said and I followed her.
The way she said friend implied more than someone overhearing would think. The word was the only way to express our connection with one another. A connection that had only become stronger over time. It didn't imply that she thought less of me than Jon. Friend was the only way to explain how we could give each other short glances that spanned long conversations with one another.
"I know this must be hard for you." Daenerys said. "You've handled everything better than I ever could."
"I have experience on my side." I told her. "Once you're as old as me you will be just as experienced. Maybe even more so."
We had stopped far enough away not to be heard and close enough to a few Dothraki to be protected. Plus I was with her and all knew I would die for her. I would give my life for her. My eyes kept scanning the surrounding to make sure no one snuck up on us. Daenerys looked in the opposite direction as me so we could alert the other if something happened.
"When I'm as old as you I don't think I'd be able to find many suitors." Daenerys said.
"You will look as regal then as you do now." I reassured her. "And you'll have Jon. He won't leave you wanting I am sure."
"Jon might not want to be on the Iron Throne. He is a good and noble man but...I don't know if leaving the North would suit him."
"If he loves you, he will stand any pain to be by you."
"If?"
She looked at me with a small grin. I liked her being happy more than anything else in the world. Even if her happiness took her far away from me. She looked at me and I saw something in her eyes. It was a worried and hopeful look. She wanted to ask me something but was scared. With a glance at her I reassured her that whatever she wanted I would listen without judgment.
"On the boat I was thinking..." Daenerys said and then chuckled. "Others may not agree with my decision but I don't care what they will think."
Before I could reply there was yelling that signaled an attack. I had been right, Daenerys riding Drogon had been the safer of the option. My worry went away as I realized not even half of the soldiers were going to attack. There must not be many opponents this time around. The attackers would either be killed or driven off.
"Tell me when I get back, Daenerys." I told her.
She nodded and I ran off to where the soldiers were going. I could've stayed by her side but I needed to let out my worries. The wine had only done so much. I pulled out my sword as I finally could see one of the attackers. He wasn't running away but was also being less foolhardy than the others in his group. I saw the detour he was attempting to take and moved to intercept him.
As I ran towards him I saw a few arrows flying by. The others were making a last ditch attempt to win. Finally I was within range to attack and so I did. Even though he was small he did have skill with his sword. The moment our swords clashed against each other I felt freed.
"Arg!" He yelled out when I drew first blood.
To his credit the pain drove him to fight harder. He had skill but not enough. I could tell when he was trying to feint left and easily blocked him. In a few moves I had the choice of either disarming him or killing him. He had dared try to harm Khaleesi. It had been a foolish attempt but the intent had been there.
I stabbed him through his heart. My blade easily went in as he wasn't wearing amror. The death of the man brought me some relief, though not as much as I needed. Once my breathing had slowed down I looked at the short lived battle. The atmosphere had become much calmer. The only signs that something had happened were a few scouts going out.
This had hardly been a battle but more troubles would await Khaleesi on her way to Winterfell. Riding Drogon would've been safer. Arrows only went so high and as long as she stayed out of range she would be safe. But even if I did convince her to change her mind, it was too late to do things differently now.
Daenerys had wanted to speak to me but I needed a few more moments to myself. A few more moments to gather my thoughts so I could advise her. Most likely she would ask me about marrying Jon Snow. She had probably meant the Northerners would disagree with her. The North was hardly friendly towards House Targaryen and so she might meet resistance. My duty was to ignore my own personal feelings and help guide her through her wedding.
It would be Jon who would share her bed and I who would ignore my heart.
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