I had been accepted into the Resistance but that didn't mean much when my fellow comrades didn't trust me. Every day, sometimes every hour, it seemed there was a new rumor about me. The rumors usually focused on how I was secretly still working with Skynet. I assumed once John got things under control I'd be free to do what Resistance Fighters usually did.
For now I was doing simple jobs like kitchen duty.
"Sorry," I replied and stopped chopping up the vegetables.
"Do you know how rare these things are?" The cook asked me. Her voice seeming to tremble even before it left her throat.
"Really rare." I told her and tried to limit the sarcasm I put into those words.
"Yes, rare." She agreed. "Three days ago some soldiers came back with these and I'll be damned if you make it so that they're served wrong."
I held back a comment about how you couldn't really mess up chopping things. Well...I did for a few seconds.
"I'm chopping up vegetables, I think Skynet covered the chopping part in my programming." I replied.
"Maybe the human part of you didn't allow that part of the programming take hold." The cook said and I was silent. "Jash, you're a hybrid. I have heard talks about how you things are made."
"I'm sure when I was human I was very smart." I finally countered.
The cook just laughed.
"I'm sure and then you allowed yourself to be captured by Skynet." The cook said as she showed me how she wanted the vegetables to be chopped up.
"Well, maybe I gave my body to science because I thought Cyberdyne was a trustworthy company." I said and now she was silent as I started chopping as she had shown me.
While I didn't fully understand the cook, I knew enough to allow her what she wanted in the vegetable manner. Vegetables were extremely rare as Judgment Day had destroyed the ability of people to have a lot of successful harvests.
So finding a place you could farm at and get out even one successful harvest was a big deal.
"I didn't mean to-" The cook started.
"No, you didn't, cook." I said. "All of you just see the metal side of me, the side that Skynet used to control for a short time."
"I'm sor-" She tried again and didn't remark on the fact that I didn't call her by her name.
"No, you're not. You think you're sorry but you're just feeling momentary guilt that will go away when I leave."
The rest of the cooking was done in silence and even when she gave me instructions she didn't speak. Maybe she was feeling guilty. Maybe her view on me had changed after the many meals we had prepared together.
But that was too much to hope for. She would most likely tell the others that the metal she had worked with had frightened her and that maybe it was still working for Skynet. Then the others would congratulate her like she had taken on Skynet all by herself.
The smells had become thick when the cook gingerly tapped me on my shoulder. Her head and hand movements indicated that I was to go now. I didn't know why, but took the opportunity to leave anyway after cleaning up.
Leaving the kitchen I ran into two Resistance fighters that were recounting their latest battle. Like the majority of fighters, they weren't happy about fighting. They understood that in war you lost friends and that not everyone survived.
Some of them had even encountered that lesson first hand.
The Resistance fighters looked at me and I looked away. I didn't have a friend here. No one treated me like an actual person that had been hurt by Skynet. Only John Connor understood me. It was only by his word that I had lived this long.
But I feared that a Resistance fighter would get it into his or her head that it was safer if I was dead.
The only thing that was protecting me was John Connor and the fear the others had of me.
If only I could talk to John and have him help me with my confusion.
Was it good that I now lived or was it better if I had died?
X X X
G and R Base, the base that was considered John Connor's home base and the one I'd been at since being saved by John, was dull again. Every day it was dull when I wasn't about to go on a mission or talking to anyone.
I did talk to people, but they weren't really friends. And they weren't talks most of the time, just people judging me. However, humans are social creatures and I took whatever social interactions I could. Even if they weren't what I considered friendly.
I had worked with someone else but now I was fixing the jeep on my own. It was odd for me to repair a machine, even if it wasn't a Terminator. The fact that every motion that I made to it and everywhere I looked on the jeep I imagined what was under my skin.
The fact that coltan was supporting me instead of bones made me wake up in sweats in the middle of the night. I sometimes was eating and had to force myself not to vomit at the thought. The only thought that made me not kill myself was to know that I had been human at one point.
Whatever else Skynet had done to me: Skynet could never change the fact that I was once human.
As I finished with my repair work I heard footsteps. I hadn't gotten to recognizing footsteps, except to tell if they were hurrying on a mission or seeing if someone had survived a mission, and when I stood up no one was there.
Whoever it was had paused for a minute and then continued on his or her way, though. So had that person wanted to talk to me or just look at the Friendly Resistance Terminator?
I headed over to what was commonly refereed to as 'the showers' but the showers didn't usually run. For the most part there were containers of some overused water that people used to keep moderately clean.
When I opened the door I turned and saw John Connor taking off his clothes. My gaze lingered longer than it should and I watched every movement. I put these memories into a safe place in my head to think back on.
John noticed me and I said, "Sorry, I'll leave if you want me to."
"Why? You're just as important to the Resistance as me." John said and gave me a smile.
"Yeah, no. Don't think I could lead men like you could." I said and had to stop myself from saying the reason I wanted to leave was because of my thoughts of him.
How much I wanted to feel his touch and breath on me was overwhelming.
"Don't doubt yourself." He replied.
"It's not that, I don't think I could lead." I told him and started taking off my own clothing since the likelihood of John allowing me to leave without him having hurt feelings seemed unlikely. "I can fight, I don't doubt that. I know I can fight just as good as any other Resistance fighter."
"Even better." He said as he looked at me a little too intently but restrained himself. "You have benefits the others don't have."
"You mean being programmed by Skynet?" I said a little less harshly since I was speaking to John.
"Partly." John conceded and we walked over to a stall once we were both undressed.
I saw no water buckets and smiled.
"Yes," He said looking at my face. "Running water today."
"So that's why you're down here." I said and laughed as his smile didn't hide anything.
I started to walk to another stall when John shook his head.
He wanted me!
I quickly went into the stall he was in and then he turned on the water.
Before I knew what was happening his lips were on mine. Our lips greeted each other like lovers that had been parted for a very long time. His hands went down my back and it felt like it was enjoying every inch of me like a fine meal. My hands went into his hair and I tried to hold myself steady.
In what could've been an instant or hours I fell against the wall and he steadied me. And then steadied himself as he en-
"-it's just not true." John said as he showered and I woke up from my daydream.
I couldn't tell what he had been talking about and realized I was cleaning myself up slowly while cold water ran out of the shower. Lingering on certain place.
I was still in his stall but he had been talking about something I hadn't really been listening to.
However, I was determined to not let that show, "Everyone believes the wrong thing from time to time."
"But I'm their leader." John pleaded. "They think I know what I'm doing and don't usually question me. Hell, Kate sometimes thinks I'm more sure of myself than I am."
"And do you lie to her about your confidence?"
"She's my wife and second in command. She has enough to worry about."
"Maybe you should tell her. That's the point of a wife, right? To be a shoulder to cry on?"
John laughed sadly and replied. "I...love her, but loving someone means not stressing them out without reason. Besides, at least the Resistance fighters still think I know more than I do."
"Some of them, yeah." I said and pointed to myself while shaking my head to indicate I wasn't one of them.
As John smiled a real smile I thought about the positives of my situation. While John and I weren't lovers, at least we could still be very close friends. And, at the end of the day, wasn't seeing John happy all I needed?
X X X
John Connor had been spending hours on how he ran the Resistance. I listened to every syllable that came out of his mouth and took in how lovely his voice sounded to my ears. It took all my control to fully concentrate on what was being said. It surprised me that it was only me he was talking to about this. Where was Kate and why did I suddenly care?
The room that we were now in was a sort of storage area for spare parts. The parts were categorized by what they could be used for so that repairs could get done faster. And when your enemy was Skynet, you sure as hell had to work as fast as you could.
I was sitting on the dirty floor and John was leaning against a wall while talking.
John was now talking about how he looked out for Greys.
"They are really the worst thing about this war." John said, his voice heavy with grief. "Humans should be united against an enemy that threatens us all, but some are siding with an enemy that will kill them when its goal of conquest is completed."
"They are probably just scared or maybe they've been tricked into helping Skynet." I replied as I remembered how Skynet had fooled me.
I didn't want to know the exact numbers of Resistance fighters that I had killed because I could hardly sleep at night already.
John shook his head and said, "What some of them have tried to do...they know exactly what they are doing. We checked before we executed them."
"Do you like having that responsibility?" I asked.
"No, that's why I have others vote on the matter. I don't mind killing Terminators, I've been doing that since I was young, but I don't like to end the life of a human. It's something only Skynet should be doing. We should all be loyal to each other."
"If you don't mind killing Terminators, why did you save me?"
"Before Judgment Day a Terminator came back in time to save me. Well, two did but they looked the same."
"What did you call them?"
John looked off into the distance and a small smile formed on his face. "I called them Uncle Bob and I watched them both die. Once because he had to make sure there was no chance that Skynet was going to be a possibility and the next time he appeared he died saving me."
I put a hand on his shoulder at the end of the story. The fact that John referred to the Uncle Bobs as 'he' surprised me. It showed that John did think of Terminators as humans. Even ones that had never been born.
"Anyways, that's enough for today." John replied and put his hand on mine.
I didn't know how to ask him what I wanted as I felt his hand on mine. I had been dreaming about him and didn't want him to know I thought of him that way nearly constnatly when I slept. While I was awake I could admire his leadership and morality, but when I dreamed my need for his touch overtook me.
John finally turned his head to look at me. "Is there something you want to ask me?"
I looked and noticed he had let go of my hand and I removed my hand from his shoulder.
"What do you plan to do after?" I asked.
"After the war?" John said and laughed. "I don't know if I'll make it that far."
"Nothing can kill you." I said and laughed at the thought of anything taking John down. "But I was referring to what you're going to do now that the lesson for today is over."
The seconds while I waited for his answer felt like eternity.
"If you need me to help you with anything else today I will." I said trying to make him answer.
"I don't need your help for the rest of today," John replied. "But you'll be on guard duty tonight and you should rest before you go."
"Who will I be on guard duty with?" I asked and wished that I was going on guard duty alone.
But the Resistance, the real Resistance, didn't like having only one person on guard duty at G and R Base.
"Barnes." John replied simply and I let out a sigh.
I had nothing bad to say about Barnes' allegiance to both John and the Resistance, but he didn't like Terminators at all. That meant that he hated me.
This would be a very long night.
X X X
The night was just beginning and it felt like the sun should already be rising on the horizon. I hated the man beside me. His dark skin seemed to help him blend into the night and he tried to keep his eyes averted from the sight of me.
"Don't people usually talk on guard duty?" I asked as the silence got to me. If I was going to spend a long night with Barnes, I needed some sound.
"Some people do." Barnes said and sounded as lifeless as the metal he said he hated.
"And you don't talk to people while on guard duty?"
"You're not a person. You're just some metal with the face of a person."
I was more than insulted with that comment. I wasn't metal with the face of a person, I was a person with my humanity replaced with metal. I was an abomination, but I was still human.
"No," I told him. "I was operated on by Skynet and made to be...what I am today."
"At least you're metal that knows your place." Barnes said, with a disturbing smile on his face. "You should just kill yourself and be done with it. Or I'll help you if your programming doesn't allow it."
"The parts of my Skynet programming that allowed it to control me was erased when I came here. So I could kill myself if I wanted to." I told Barnes and had to resist leaving him paralyzed for that comment. "And my place is with the Resistance."
"And in bed with John Connor?" He replied and I turned to him surprised. "I've guessed it, especially with how Kate has been acting lately."
"I haven't had sex with him." I said with something unsaid that my comrade picked up on.
"You don't have a chance with him." Barnes said with a smug smile on his face.
I hated that smile because it reinforced what I already knew. No matter how much I loved John, he would never allow me to get too close. Not close enough to be his wife and not even close enough to have an affair with him. All I'd be able to do is look at him and see what could have been.
"You don't know that." I replied, pushing my doubts to the deepest part of my mind.
"Metal and humans shouldn't mix. It's unnatural." Barnes stated. "You're the enemy and to think differently is to start down the road of becoming a Grey."
"But I feel like a human." I hissed. "I need to sleep and I need to eat. Hell, I can feel every emotion that you can. You're not more than me, you're just the same."
"All your emotions were created, they aren't real."
"How can they be fake if I feel them? If I can react to them?"
"All your reactions are programmed and you react accordingly."
I knew what he said could be true. Who I was before could've been radically different than how I am now. I could've used to be someone who would've sided with Skynet in an instant.
I could've been someone that wanted to destroy all of humanity and so gave my body to Skynet for that reason. No one would ever know.
"You know I was human before. How do you think it feels to be living as the enemy? As an abomination?" I said and that seemed to make Barnes silent.
He was a big supporter of John Connor and hated anything related to Skynet with a passion. He was a great man to have at your side and someone you wanted to never fight. That's how strong his passion was.
I knew, or at least hoped, that he was silent because he was imagining waking up to metal underneath his skin. The thought that all that he had been before had been tainted by the thing that he hated most. That he could never go back to what he had been before.
I also knew that if he thought this he would never admit it. He was that kind of man.
I noticed him looking out in the distance and turned my attention outward. Skynet had made me to be a fighter but hadn't added too much to my human sight. It probably thought I could get enough information from my hearing.
"Do you see anything?" Barnes asked me.
"A mass of something." I replied.
Barnes said nothing but an angry retort seemed to be on the edge of his lips.
As I waited for Barnes' angry retort I tried to make out what the mass in the distance was. If the mass could be said to be angry that's the emotion I would use to describe it. But was it some humans that had decided not to take a side in the war or some present from Skynet?
My hands tightened around my gun as I felt excitement course through my veins. I could now prove to Barnes that I was a good fighter. I could prove to Barnes that whatever he felt about metal, I was one of the good ones. That John Connor had a reason to trust me.
"Terminators." Barnes said and I had my answer to two important questions.
One being if what I had said to him had gotten through. Metal was a derogatory term that the Resistance and other humans used to refer to Terminators. So him not using the term implied that he was showing respect to me.
At least for the moment.
The second being what the mass was. Good, I could prove myself to him through fighting.
Why did I want to gain his respect, anyways? That thought bugged me as the Terminators got closer to the base.
But then I had an answer.
Barnes was close to John Connor and if he respected me things could go smoother with John in the future.
"What do you want me to do?" I asked, figuring that acting like I truly respected Barnes would make this small fight easier for the both of us.
"Sound the alarms." Barnes said and I had to control the expression of shock that was begging to come onto my face. "Don't make it too loud, there doesn't seem to be that many Terminators. I should be able to take care of them."
I guess whatever Barnes had taken from our conversation didn't extend to wanting to be at my side during a fight.
"I'm a hybrid." I told him angrily. "If there's someone that could fight Terminators, it's another Terminator."
"And how do I know you won't betray me?" Barnes fired back.
I realized that now wasn't the time to have a full blown argument about where my loyalties lay. If we argued about it for even a second too long the base could take more of a beating than it should.
What if John Connor blamed me and any possible future we had together was lost because I couldn't back down from any kind of fight?
I turned away and started the first part of the alarm system. It was 'silent' as bells and whistles didn't sound loudly across the base. The people most necessary to the base's defense would become aware of what was happening and with a small fight that usually worked out.
And if things got more intense than expected there would be another line of defense.
As quickly as I had sounded the alarm I raced back to Barnes' side.
"I'm not letting a good soldier like you die because of your ego." I said as he spared a simple glance for me.
There was silence as the small group of Terminators got close enough to start firing. They must not have known that John Connor was here at the moment or else there would've been a lot more firepower in this group.
I knew that Barnes wanted to argue about how disregarding his orders was the wrong thing to do. Even though it was, I knew John Connor would be on my side. But first I needed to make sure I'd be worthy of John's praise.
I watched Barnes and was slightly nervous as this would be my first time fighting with him. When fighting as a pair you had to move as one. Even though I was open to feeling like one with him now, I knew it would be hard for him to get into the mindset.
As the first few Terminators came into range and all of us started firing, Barnes and I shot down our targets though we both didn't have a good feel of each other.
But as the fight continued we both grew closer to each other. Battle seems to do that with people. Battle seems to draw people closer together even though when the fighting ends they'll be far apart.
I feigned falling down so that the Terminators firing at me would grow more confident. At least the kind of confidence a Terminator can feel. When they relaxed their guard I fired at one as Barnes took care of the other two.
I laughed as the signals I had given to Barnes had been half-assed, but he had understood what I had meant.
I quickly stopped laughing as we finished up the final two.
As Barnes shot at the last one, the one I had shot down fired a final shot at him. I shot my Terminator a few more times to make sure it was down before checking Barnes who had collapsed.
A bullet had gone through part of Barnes' leg. It would take a little while to heal, but he'd be up and fighting in no time.
"Barnes?" I asked as I saw him look nervously at me.
"Thanks." Barnes said and I knew that was as good of a 'good job, thanks for protecting my sorry human ass' as I was going to get.
X X X
"You disobeyed Barnes?" John asked with a hint of amusement. I think it amused him when I took things into my own hands.
"I just figured that he would've gotten his ass kicked if I hadn't rescued him." I replied.
I knew that John would discuss the previous night with me. I had been waiting for it, actually. I had been waiting to see him again and to hear his voice. Living in Hell meant that there weren't many things to look forward to. One of the things in this Hellish life I had to look forward to was John.
"He's not as headstrong as the others." John said, still trying to appear like the leader.
"Well he trusts you," I said with a small smile on my lips. "That's got to mean he has some brain damage."
The leader facade swept away from his face as a grin replaced it. Seeing him smile was worth all the pain. Making him smile made me feel that my time being brainwashed by Skynet was being erased.
"You trust me." John said back to me.
"I never claimed that I was the smartest person here." I said and tried to put on a serious expression. I failed at this and burst out laughing.
"You do have to follow orders, though, the other men won't respect you if you don't." John said, suddenly serious. "And if you keep willfully disregarding rules I don't think I can help you."
"What if I don't need your help?"
"Doesn't matter, you want it."
John was right, of course. Even if one day I could physically escape him, my heart would always belong to him. I would never be able to escape him and I didn't mind. I didn't mind that fact at all.
"So what should I do next time?" I asked him. "Let him or someone else get themselves killed? Just watch them die and feel good because I followed orders?"
"If you want to be a soldier you have to follow orders."
"I'll follow your orders." I replied and saw his sad smile.
I knew that he doubted himself and didn't like when others put their full faith in him. He didn't like it when everyone around him seemed to die for him. But who couldn't help but follow him?
John's face just screamed at you to be loyal to him. It told you that whatever else happened, he was the one thing in life that would never change. He would always fight to defend you and the rest of humanity.
And his body was strong. It would be good to endure a long fight without tiring. It would also be good to push me up against one of these walls that were surrounding us. We could have a glorious moment of heaven and then hold each other as we settled down from the ordeal.
I was about to shake my head when I realized it was beyond useless to try and resist. I wanted him and I could tell that he wanted me. We both loved each other and if I had to be the one to make the first move, so be it.
"John, you're stronger than you know." I told him and moved slowly towards him.
Not because I was afraid of frightening him, but because I was nervous for making such a bold move.
"Everyone says that, I don't believe it." John replied.
I put a hand on John's face and felt what I had been longing to feel for a long time. He titled his head ever so slightly to better fit into the palm of my hand. He wanted to feel comforted and I wanted to help him feel comfort.
"I would never lie to you, John. If I thought you were being an idiot I would tell you without a second thought."
"I know, that's why I like you."
"Not that I would want to call you an idiot."
"I know that too."
I continued to build up my courage as I leaned with my lips towards his. The breath from his mouth was driving me mad, so I went slower to try and keep myself calm. I wanted this and with his breathing I could tell that he wanted this too. I knew then that both of us wanted our lips to lock quickly so that he could take me here and now.
I knew in that moment that I didn't care what happened as long as John entered me in every sense of the word.
But before our wishes could be fulfilled, John put a finger on my lips to stop me and said, "No. I need to think."
"I understand." I told him and I did.
But I was tired of holding back and I knew that he had to be too. However, he was married and so he was facing confusion that I couldn't even begin to understand at the moment.
I loved him, I truly did, and so I would wait. I owed him that.
X X X
It had been a few days since I had nearly kissed John. My dreams since then had John touching my lips with his fingers. Unlike reality, however, these dreams always ended with him kissing me. Sometimes they even went further than a kiss.
I had seen John around base and it seemed as though he was avoiding me. I didn't seek him out as I figured that he was deep in thought about what to do. If he was going to choose Katherine or me. Having never been in a relationship before, or at least not remembering being in one, I didn't know how long it would take for him to decide.
After coming back from a training exercise I headed over to the showers. There hadn't been a battle in awhile, but John made sure that we were still in shape. John wouldn't always oversee these exercises himself, but he made sure they went on. While the exercises did give me a distraction, I needed an actual battle with real bloodshed to calm me.
Taking my clothes off, I was very glad that I would get cleaned up some. I hoped that there was running water today but I doubted it. Every now and again the showers would actually work, but it was a rare event.
Once my clothes were off, I headed over for the stalls. I heard someone and sighed as I realized today wouldn't be a good shower day. It would be another day of cleaning with a dirty rag and decently aged water.
Walking around the small room my eyes quickly found the other person. It was John Connor.
"Hi, John." I said and he looked at me.
"You can join me." John said and I walked over to the stall he was in. "I need to talk to you."
I wasn't getting too excited about what John would say. He wasn't looking at me like a lover, but like someone that is about to tell me someone I care about has died. Hopefully I was misreading him.
"So what's the world shattering news from the great John Connor?" I joked as I started to wash.
I didn't want to admit that any term to describe nervous would not even hint at what I was feeling now. I loved John and I wished for that same love in return.
"I met Kate at a very low point in my life." John started to explain. "Before Judgment Day I was trying to hide from the reality that I knew would happen. On Judgment Day she was beside me and hasn't left me since."
I tried to appear like I didn't care. That him choosing Katherine over me was expected and normal. I tried to appear like I was glad to not have ruined a marriage.
But I wasn't happy.
"I hope you have a long life together." I said as I turned away from him.
"Jash," He said and grabbed my arm so I would face him. "I know you're upset and I don't blame you. But Kate has helped me through times that I couldn't have gotten by without her. I love you, Jash, but I can't be with you."
"Why not?" I pleaded. "If you love me then why can't you be with me? You're the le-"
"Just because I'm a leader doesn't mean I can do whatever want. I love you and Kate both. But I won't dissolve my marriage because of something I want to happen. I want a future with you but I couldn't live with myself if I divorced Kate."
"She must be special to you."
A tear went down John's cheek as he replied, "She is."
"And you wish she wasn't."
John just nodded.
A tear fell down my cheek and suddenly John and I were embracing. I was crying on his shoulder and he was crying on mine.
"I understand." I said through my sobs. "I wish I didn't."
"I'll always care for you, but I can't be with you."
After that brief bit of dialogue we continued to cry.
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