I could hardly breathe. I could hardly think. Nothing seemed real right now. Everything felt like a nightmare. Because if I was just in a horrible dream it meant that I hadn't killed anyone. It would mean that I was still the same man who risked sanity for the sake of other's living. That this man who killed randomly wasn't me. That we didn't share the same body and mind.
I felt something warm pushing itself into my hands. I looked with an uninterested gaze at the cup of tea that Hannibal was giving to me. I didn't want to accept it. I didn't want to put anything into my body at this moment in time. But my friend wasn't going to take no for an answer it seemed.
I took the cup and looked around at his kitchen.
"Is this going to kill me?" I asked and looked inside the cup, deep into the tea, and all the way down to the bottom of the cup.
"No, it will relax you." Hannibal replied. "You need to be able to think clearly now."
"Why?" I asked and let out a small chuckle.
"You are in shock right now. I only want the best for you, Will."
"Yeah, thank you for taking care of the body." I said and started to sip at the tea. It tasted strange and I tried to identify what was in it.
"The FBI needs you, they won't find much use from you behind bars." He said and then looked at my face. I liked his gaze. "I gave the tea to Abigail before. It contains mushrooms."
Mushrooms? Calming tea? Was the great doctor drugging me? A smile formed on my face. It wouldn't be the first time I had gotten high, but this was the first time I'd get high to escape from myself.
"Where did you put the body?" I asked, suddenly more curious than I had been before Hannibal had suggested the idea.
"It would be best that you didn't know, at least in your current state."
"What do you mean by 'my current state'?"
Hannibal stood beside me and his presence felt comforting to me. He was my guardian and I was in a state of distress. My mind was trying not to think of what my body had done. I drank the tea.
"You killed a man without realizing it." Hannibal stated and I remembered the corpse clearly. How the man's skin had changed due to being set on fire. How his throat had looked inviting since it had been slashed open. I remembered the stranger's corpse clearly and I didn't know how to feel. "I'm worried that you'll get yourself into more problems than you intended."
"We didn't have this conversation when I killed Gideon." I retorted and I saw my friend think for a moment. Whether he didn't know what to say or he needed some time to phrase it properly, I didn't know.
"I thought, when you killed Gideon, that part of you was protecting Alana without realizing it." Hannibal said.
"And now you think part of me is a remorseless killer?"
"No, Will, I think there is part of you that you need to learn to control. I can help you with that."
"Help me?" I asked and put the empty cup of tea on the counter behind me. I had killed people and Hannibal was talking about controlling me? I didn't think I could be controlled. Maybe if I had put more importance in my sanity earlier I could have. But not now. It felt like a monster was getting out of its cage.
"There must be some ways that your dreams are alerting you to what you're actually doing."
I thought about my most recent dream and I didn't want to examine it any further than I had. Well, I hadn't really examined the nightmare in the three hours since I had woken from it. But I didn't want to. I felt that if I examined it I would finally see myself as I was tonight. That wasn't something I needed now.
"I touched a form in my dream." I said, trying to keep the bile from rising in my throat. "I touched it and it became covered with fire. I slashed its throat. Then I woke up beside what I saw in my dream."
"How did you recognize the corpse once you woke up? You never said you recognized it in the dream."
"I couldn't tell who it was in the dream but...somehow I recognized it when I woke up."
"Because part of you remembered killing the man." When Hannibal said that it seemed like he had just calmed himself down about my situation. I didn't realize he was tense but the tea was affecting my judgment. Plus, he was always good about hiding his feelings.
"You're pleased with that?" I asked, a real smile coming to my face.
"I'm glad that you can recognize what you're doing, in some way, which means that you won't always kill without reason."
"Don't lie to me!" I paused. "I am a monster and if I am not locked up soon I don't know when I'll strike next. Or who my next victim will be."
Hannibal walked in front of me and put both hands on my shoulders. I looked at his hands as I felt their warm comfort. My eyes then looked into his. Those eyes were all consuming and showed no fear. Showed no doubt. Showed me the soul of the man who cared about me.
I felt something inside of me reveal itself to my mind. I felt comfort in Hannibal not because he was continuing to help me, but because I loved him. I loved him because he had been there for me when Jack sent me into madness. And Hannibal was here, now, when I had murdered someone. Hannibal was here, now, when I was losing my grip on reality.
"I can help you, Will." Hannibal said and in that moment I made a choice. I don't know if I would've done it if not for the mushroom tea.
I brought my face close to Hannibal's and then put my lips gently on his own. I couldn't tell what his reaction to it was, but it wasn't violent. A few seconds went by as I was regretting my decision, but he returned the kiss with passion.
I loved him and I knew he would help me.
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