I had taken up jogging as it helped me control my emotions. It helped me calm down when I was stressed and it made all sense of loneliness go away. And I needed to pretend that I wasn't lonely and that I wasn't guilty of not helping to stop the Yeerks invading Earth.
But what could I really do? I still had Hereth illint after weeks of useless waiting. I couldn't morph and therefore couldn't fight. The Yeerk that had controlled me wasn't a high ranking one so I couldn't offer the Animorphs good intel.
I was jogging through the woods this morning before the sun had fully risen since not a lot of people chose to be out now. The fear of the killer of the week was high on people's minds. I kept track of the latest updates, but I would take death over this endless pain.
I thought of Cassie's caring words, Rachel's ego that was somehow reassuring, Marco's care that was somewhat hidden behind endless jokes, Jake's leadership that made me wonder who else could possibly lead the group like him, Tobias' curse of being in a hawk body and yet he still was a strong supporter of fighting against the Yeerks, and Ax...Ax was hard to describe. I didn't know which trait I would pick for him. Maybe the fact that he, among all the Animorphs, had been trained to fight before the group had formed.
I missed them but I couldn't go back. I'd be a danger to them. But wasn't I a danger to them without protection for myself? What if the Controller had been successful and captured me for infestation.
Wouldn't a group that knew how to handle my problem be better to stick with than no help at all? It wasn't like I could help myself.
I had avoided thinking about why I had abandoned the group. But now was past time to examine the reason. Was it because I was afraid? Had the Controller been right in saying I was just the 'usual trash' that was infested through the Sharing? Could that really be true?
As I continued to jog I thought about being afraid. Being away from the group was partly done out of fear, I admit. I feared for their safety from me. But was that really fair? What could my morphs really do if they decided to either flee or attack them?
I could spend most of my time in Tobias' meadow or at Ax's scoop and not be in any danger of exposing the group.
Logic was failing me when using the excuse of protecting the group being my reason for running away.
Then it came to me: I had run away because I was ashamed.
I was ashamed because I was now useless. I couldn't fight the Yeerks. Hell, some mornings I found myself morphing getting a glass of milk. I was disfigured, in a way. It would've been better if I had died with the Yeerk that had infested me.
Being rescued had just prolonged my suffering. I was now just as useless as I had been with a Yeerk inside my head.
Did I have a reason to fight like the others did? No. I had escaped and that was good enough for me. If Earth was fully invaded by the Yeerks I would be used to what happened next.
Either I would be infested or killed. Both options worked for me.
I knew why I hadn't told Ax the truth of where I was now: it was because I didn't want him to pity me. And I had seen him pity me last time we had talked. I didn't need that again until this was over. If it ever ended.
Seeing a bench I sat down to catch my breath. Jogging wasn't distracting me, it was making all my emotions so much worse. If I could have some beer maybe that would calm me down, but drinking alcohol would mean I couldn't fully keep my emotions in check. The last thing I needed was to be captured because I got too drunk in a bar and started morphing.
I tried to find my calm, but it was hard. I was never much into meditation before I had been captured. However, I was finding it easier than I thought to control my own emotions.
As the minutes passed by I found myself growing calmer and calmer. It was almost like I felt nothing and yet that was okay. It wasn't a depressing kind of nothing, but one where everything felt right.
I opened my eyes as I heard another jogger. Jumping off the bench I hid behind a bush and watched as the jogger went by. He didn't see me and I remained still for a few minutes calming myself again.
Even if he was a Controller he wouldn't have seen me and I wouldn't be infested. Everything was going to be okay.
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All of Inbetween: The Incredible Burp
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