Killing used to make me feel unclean. I thought the act of taking a life was something only a god should do. The fact that it made me feel so powerful sickened me because I used to think killing shouldn't make someone feel good. But now I knew better.
I watched as Hannibal made dinner. It wasn't a normal dinner, though, it was a celebration. I had killed Beverly and, in doing so, had begun a new part of my life. My life would now become richer as I had broken out of my cage.
Though this dinner was a special one, I couldn't help but cringe at the thought of what I would be eating. What was even more surprising was the fact that Abigail didn't have any problems with eating it.
"Are you sure this is the right thing to do?" I asked Hannibal.
"You're still having doubts?" He replied without a hint of annoyance in his voice. I had learned, shortly after I had killed Beverly, about how he mostly stuck to killing the rude. So I knew that all the moments I had been rude he had restrained himself because he loved me. And I also knew that he was restraining himself right now.
"I don't mind killing, but eating a person just seems wrong to me."
"If Beverly was not worthy to keep her own life, why should she get any say as to how her body is used now?"
I thought about Hannibal's words. He didn't kill without reason and hated killing to keep himself safe. I now understood killing was not always wrong and you shouldn't feel bad because you took a life. I had been naive to fear killing before.
But it being okay to eat another human being and becoming a cannibal? That was too much for me to understand. Was it because I was weak or that I was right?
"Beverly didn't deserve her life and I took it." I replied, trying to form my thoughts into words. "Her threat is gone and eating her would be going a step further than we need to go. Eating her won't stop a threat that has already been stopped."
"While eating won't give you the same sense of release, Will, it does have another use that killing doesn't."
I looked at him and asked. "What is that?"
Hannibal found a point where he could pause in his art. He met my gaze and I knew that I had failed him in my lack of understanding. But as he wasn't making any indication he was going to kill me, I realized that he was willing to take the time to help me understand.
"Killing gives you a sense of release that you can't get anywhere else." Hannibal explained. "But eating another human makes you realize that people are just animals. They can be as easily manipulated as a pig. Being a cannibal gives you strength."
"Is there another reason?"
Hannibal paused as if lost in a memory. I realized that he wasn't as strong as I thought. While he could stand up against things others would crumble from, he was still human. He still felt. For some reason that both humanized him and made me afraid.
I was about to ask him what the memory was when he came back to reality and returned to cooking. Thinking that the conversation had come to an end, I started to walk out of the kitchen. Abigail must be getting lonely sitting all alone at the table.
"The other reason is that we're making sure the meat isn't wasted." Hannibal said and so I took up my former position in the kitchen. "Beverly's body would just be hidden in the ground and the only use it would have had would be to be found by the police or FBI."
"Which wouldn't be good." I replied. "But you don't cook every piece of a human's body."
"Every person has certain parts that are actually good to cook. Though the cheek is the exception as every one's cheeks make a good meal." Hannibal said. "So to eat an entire human body would also be wasteful as you would be making time for parts that are better left uneaten."
"So we're eating Beverly just to have a meal?"
"We're eating her as to not waste her most precious parts."
As the smell of Beverly's flesh drifted into my nose I started to get hungry but tried to push the feeling away. Hannibal was trying to make me eat another human and, at the same time, make me think that it was a good idea. Not just a good idea but a noble one. He was beginning to look like a monster.
But then I started really looking at my own thought process. Why was it disgusting to me? If someone killed a deer it wouldn't be wrong. If someone killed a deer it was to provide food and hunting it was a reward in itself. So why would eating a human be all that bad?
I had hunted Beverly and the hunt had been its own reward. Eating her, like one would eat a deer, would just be a celebration of the hunt. Hannibal was right, she hadn't deserved her life so why should I empathize with her now?
When Hannibal finished making the meal I helped bring out the food to the table. We brushed lightly against each other at one point before sitting down. Hannibal, Abigail, and myself were happy as we ate together.
I took my first bite of Beverly and smiled as the taste and smell combined itself into one exotic feeling. Hannibal looked me in the eyes and we both smiled. I had pleased him by being a good student. After I ate the meat of Beverly Katz, there'd be a different kind from the man I loved.
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