I was hardly concentrating on my surroundings. My thoughts kept going back to Alana Bloom being dead. The woman that had helped to hold me close to reality was gone. What would happen now? Would I be able to continue to help Jack or would I become less than useless? Would people die because of me?
"Will." Hannibal said and I came back to the present. His eyes were the same as his voice. Able to show so much while expressing so little. It was comforting to me.
"I'm able to do my job. There's no reason to be here." I replied curtly.
"There is every reason to be here." Hannibal said, not reacting to my momentary rudeness. "You were close to Alana."
I wanted to lash out at Hannibal for bringing that up. How dare he bring up Alana. He had no right to bring up a relationship that had been shot down as soon as it had started. I tried to control a perverse chuckle but Hannibal's confused look was enough to tell me it had escaped. Of course any look Hannibal had was controlled and sometimes hard to decipher.
"We weren't as close as you think." I finally said.
"How close did you feel you were?" He countered.
"Very close." I said and grimaced. There was no way to escape telling Hannibal the truth and no reason to hide what I felt.
"There is a reason you are here." The doctor waited a moment. Whether he was thinking of what to say or only testing my nerves, I couldn't tell. "You felt close to Alana and now you have lost her."
A pained smile kept trying to escape onto my face. It tried a few times but always was forced to recede back into nothingness.
"Yes." I said, not wanting to go any further with my explanation. I knew I'd see her face when I slept. I'd always regret not having that chance to have coffee with her. I'd always regret not getting to kiss her more. I'd always regret not having her take me on my bed or anywhere else she'd want to.
"You killed Gideon, Will. Even when you didn't know reality, you were still able to protect Alana." Hannibal said and there was briefly a strange expression on his face. I couldn't begin to try and describe it. Nor could I tell if it was ever actually there.
I had killed. That was a fact. I hoped that I had only killed Gideon. That I wasn't the reason that Alana was dead.
If I had just killed Gideon that was an acceptable sin. I didn't like killing, at any time or for any reason, but killing him was justifiable. It wasn't good justification, as I had still killed someone, but he had killed Alana and she deserved to be avenged. Gideon had signed his death warrant the moment he decided to go after her.
He was the reason I wouldn't have coffee, a relationship, and sex with Alana. I had made the decision if he would live or die and I had carried Gideon's punishment to the fullest extent I could. I had been powerful. In that brief moment I had been extremely powerful. It had felt good.
"I didn't save Alana. It doesn't matter if I killed Gideon or not." I said, realizing the dark paths my mind had been going down.
"The fact that you were able to act without knowing what was really happening is to be commended." Hannibal tried to reassure me.
But he couldn't reassure me. I had been thinking, mere seconds ago, that killing Gideon had been some sort of righteous act. I shouldn't be glad that I had saved Alana when she was already dead.
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